


El Tango De Roxanne

by justanartist



Category: Glee
Genre: Drama, M/M, Prostitution, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-22 02:36:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 82,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1573010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanartist/pseuds/justanartist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Moulin Rouge Au:</p><p>Year 1900 in Montmartre and the nightclub 'El Tango De Roxanne' has 3 rules: No freedom, no jealousy, no love if you break them she might kill you; and Blaine was about to break them all for the blue diamond, Kurt. (This fic has a happy ending ;))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Violinist

Chapter 1. Violinist

My father was a kind, open minded and smart man and he loved to talk about my mother. My mother who left me when I was eight years old. She left without a word, a letter, without anything that comes close to a goodbye. We woke up on a cold October day and she was gone. I didn't understand why or where she left and my father neither. We just waited, days, weeks, months and then years but she never came back. I gave up on her while my father waited. He waited until his dying day and loved her until his last breath. She was his world, his everything and he tried to convince me what a wonderful woman she was. Basically, he explained to me how wonderful love was and my mother was just his example, his love experience. Well, I told myself that because it wasn't like I hated my mother. I just didn't care about her. I was eight, she left me, her son and my father turned into a broken man. Although he smiled, laughed, dreamed and cared about me like a father should – the older I became the more I understood how broken he was.

I remembered the day she left us like it happened yesterday. The day before everything was just fine. We went out for a walk, laughing, smiling and I played some music on my violin. My mother always said how incredible talented I was and how much she enjoyed my music. She was lovely, she cared about us and I saw how much they loved each other. But an eight year old boy didn't understand that this was love. At the evening we cooked together, my father talked about his students and their final exams, while my mother wiped the sauces off my face and my shirt. Her fingers were always warm, careful and her laugh sounded so beautiful when she watched me and my eating behavior. She said I was like a little puppy always hungry, eating like someone might take my food away from me. After dinner we went to the living room and while my father was reading for me my mother just held me until I fell asleep. It was perfect for me.

The next morning I woke up and like each morning I sneaked into my parents bedroom and it was empty. My mothers closet was open, clothes were laying on the ground, the bed was undone and I was confused. Quickly I went down, calling for my mother, my father but no one answered until I found my dad sitting in the kitchen with a mug of coffee. He looked at me, smiling sadly and said my mother went and he didn't know where. I asked why she left but he had no answer for this. So we waited but she never came back. The first weeks weren't easy for my dad. I tried to make him smile, smile like he used to smile but his warm smile never came back and after two years I said to him that we didn't need her. But it my words hurt him and he was scared that I've got the wrong idea about loving someone. About to love someone and be loved in return. That's when he started to tell me about her, about love and we somehow moved on.

My father worked as a teacher and I took violin lessons and some years later I became one of the best violinist in our little town. It was 1900 the time of the musicians, painters, writers and I was one of them. I played on the streets, in theaters whenever they needed for a play and my life went very well. But there was always something missing even if our life was good.

It wasn't because I missed my mother .

Like I said, I didn't really care about her but about something else.

Love. Whenever my father talked about love, how beautiful it was I wondered if it would ever hit me. I asked myself twenty two years when it would hit me. When would I feel those butterflies? When would I lose the ground under my feed and just fly without carrying where I would fly. I would forget my name, forget to breath, to eat and only dream about this one person, just feel my fast beating heart and be afraid it would explode because everything would be too much.

I wanted to understand what my father was talking about but my own needs were unimportant as my father became ill. Two days before he died he told me how he wrote letters to my mother but never knew where he should send them because we didn't know where she was. He knew he was about to die and asked me to fulfill his last wish.

_Find your mother , find Rose and give her the letters. I want her to know what happened in the past fourteen years. About you, about our life. I only had ten years to tell her how much I loved her. Ten years is nothing, Blaine. Ten years are like an hour, a nice dream. But you know... there is never enough time to show how much you love someone._

I wanted to tell him that maybe she already had a new family, that maybe she forgot us, maybe she was already dead but I said nothing because it would have been wrong. But I gave him my word and after he died, after his burial our house was quiet. Too quiet I couldn't bare it. Everything was cold, dark and I was happy that he gave me something to move on, move out of this house.

I took some clothes, our money and found the letters hidden in his closet in a little wooden box. Exactly fourteen letters, exactly the number of years she wasn't with us. I knew that he wrote a letter to her at the end of each year but the last one he must had finished earlier because he knew he would die. At that mother moment, for the first time in my life I felt something like hate for my mother. He loved her so much, he only cared about me and her and she? She didn't know? She didn't care? I understood nothing but I kept my promise, left and started to ask around if someone remembered my mother and where she could be.

There were enough people around our village who remembered my mother and told me that she talked about becoming an actress, going to America and start a new life. So that was my mother; I asked myself. A grown up woman, a mother, leaving her family behind, being selfish? Maybe I was wrong, maybe what I thought was unfair because I knew how it felt like to have a dream and hoping this dream would come true one day. But still, she was a mother, a wife and she had her responsibilities And the hate, the anger I felt for her found his roots because of the death of my father.

January 1900 I found out where that she was living near Paris, in Montmartre a small village on a hill. All the people I met through my journey to Montmartre told me I should avoid this place because it was the village of sin. But as soon as I took my first steps into this village I found the proof that they were all wrong. This place was the center of all the different artists. Artists like me and somewhere there was my mother.

* * *

I was overwhelmed because of the all the different people I saw, the freedom, the art, the music. I thought I knew enough about it because I was playing on the streets, met other musicians on the streets in London, I played for so many plays in the theaters but here everything was a bit more. More colors, more beautiful noise, more faces, more alive. Sure it was different from what I knew and I understood what people were saying when they called Montmartre the village of sin but for me it was a source for my own inspiration.

My plan was to find my mother, give her the letters, like I promised and move on. This was my plan but it changed. I walked along the main road through the village and found a group of violinist' standing in front of a huge broad with different advertisements. I stepped closer and pushed myself through the group because I was smaller than the others. I wasn't that small at all but still. My eyes captured the huge red poster with golden letters:

_The_

_El Tango de Roxanne_

_is looking for a new violinist_

_audition starts at_

_15th January 9p.m._

I raised an eyebrow, heard the many excited voices and didn't understand why they were so excited. I had no idea what the 'El Tango de Roxanne' was. I had no idea why almost everyone seems to talk about that. So I asked.

"What is the 'El Tango de Roxanne'" and everyone around me stopped breathing. A hand grabbed my shoulder and I put my hand on my hat so it wouldn't fall down. A man around twenty five years old stared at me with wide brown eyes and shook his head.

"Boy, are you serious?"

Another hand grabbed my shoulder and I was looking into blue eyes.

"You are kidding right?"

More voices, more questions and my head was spinning. What the hell was wrong with them?

"I am from London!" I'd almost shouted and someone took my hand and dragged me out of the group. All I did was, to make sure not to fall over my own feet, while the man who took my hand said.

"Gentleman, silent! Go and practice instead of confusing a young soul." And they did, they left and then there was only me and the man who I could finally look at. He wasn't that old, he was (maybe) three years older than me but his voice was deep and that made him sound like an older man.

"Crazy musicians," the man with the brown hair huffed and grinned at me.

"Uhm... thank you?"

"Francis," he gave me his hand and I dropped my suitcase and took it: "Blaine."

His smile grew wider and he looked around, while his hands slide back into the pockets of his coat.

"So you are from London and a violinist." It was more a statement as a question.

"Yes. Actually I've been looking for my mother."

"Your mother?"

I nodded slowly while the people around us cared about their own business.

"Her name is Rose Anderson. I guess since she is an English woman people might know her here."

"I doubt someone knows Rose Anderson."

There was something in his eyes, something in his voice that didn't fit. It sounded like he knew her, or at least someone who had her name. Someone that once had her name but it... I swallowed as the thought hit me. I hoped she wasn't dead but it kind of... it kind of sounded like this.

"You... knew her?"

Francis looked around, then at me and bowed down close to my ear and whispered: "Not here."

We left the streets, the people, all the ears that shouldn't hear what Francis wanted to tell me and the thought he could be a bad guy, a thief or whoever didn't cross my mind for one second. Sure I had a lot of money in my suitcase, my expensive violin and the letters for my mother but as long as I said nothing about my money I thought I was safe.

We went to an old house, up the stairs around the outside wall and climbed through a window into a little room. There wasn't much but a bed, a desk, a closet and many books piled before the empty wall. Francis closed the curtains, shoved a chair to my direction and opened the door to the corridor.

"Claire! CLAIRE!"

"What the fuck is it now, Franc?"

I just sat there, starring at Francis and heard the angry woman shouting back from somewhere in the same floor. I heard angry, heave steps, like a child that was tramping on the ground and then I saw her. Claire, a women around 40 years old, thin, with dark red hair, brown eyes and a bit too much make up on her face. Her dress was light purple, hear breast almost fell out and some people would call it erotic what she was wearing. I just stared at her because I never saw a dress like that.

"Come inside."

He dragged her inside the room, closed the door and she put her hands on her hips and grumbled something.

"I hope it is important."

"Believe me it is."

He pointed to me and the woman went quiet, starring at me like I was something she never saw before until her face turned into an annoyed expression while I felt uncomfortable.

"He is looking for Rose Anderson."

And then her face fell and she stopped breathing for some seconds.

Some minutes left. Francis closed the window, Claire sat down on the edge of the bed and Francis leaned against his desk, both starring at me. I didn't know what to say or do so I just stayed quiet and waited until Claire finally spoke.

"He looks like her. At least he has the same dark curls."

"So you know my mother."

"Well I knew her. Francis is too young to know her."

"You told me enough about her."

I understood nothing. Absolutely nothing. They were talking about her like she was already dead and if it was the case then I could move on and do what I wanted to do. Finding a job and live the freedom of an artist. Because here it seemed to be easier than in London.

"Is she dead?" I finally asked because my young soul was starving for more. More music, more new people. Just more what this little village was hiding. And then they both laughed and shook their heads.

"Your mother is alive and well known here. But no one knows her under the name Rose."

So okay, my mother was alive but she didn't call herself Rose anymore. Good, I got that.

"Then what is her name now?"

"He is clueless. Poor boy."

"Could you both be so nice and tell me what's going on?"

I was nervous, unsure if I really wanted to know what was all this stuff about my mother. They looked both like they didn't want to tell me anything but they had to.

"Your mother's name is Roxanne. Roxanne like the nightclub 'El Tango de Roxanne'"

"Wait... a nightclub? You mean like..." Like where women sell their body for money? Like where the men are going to have a good time? Like... what?

"Like I said. I knew Rose but she changed. She changed a lot and not necessary in a good way."

"But she wanted to go to America. She wanted to become an actress."

"Oh she did. She wanted to. But why do you think they call Montmartre the Village of sin? She found a sin and got addicted and successful."

Claire exchanged a look with Francis who sighed and crossed his arms before his chest while I still understood nothing.

"Rose came here ten years ago and worked as a courtesan for five years. We were really good friends and she told me about you and your dad and how sorry she was to leave you two alone. But she knew she made a mistake and couldn't go back. So she just stayed here and started a new life. She was our star in the nightclub and as the owner died she took the nightclub and named it 'El Tango de Roxanne'. People all over Europe came here to see the magical show, to find some good time with our girls and boys. It was a very good time, really. But then she changed into a cold, focused on earning money and more money woman."

Okay, I got that my mother turned into some cold thing but I didn't get what it had to do with me. A nightclub could be a hard business I was sure about that although I've never been inside a nightclub but still... I looked at them quizzically.

"She is cruel and dangerous. You saw the advertisement, right? Guess what happened to our violinist."

"He quit?"

Francis shook his head and his face was hard: "He got killed."

I jerked back into my chair, my eyes wide and the picture I had about this place was slowly covered by some shadows. I thought this place represented freedom, the life I wanted to live, the music, art just everything that for me was paradise. It never crossed my mind that something like that could happen here. But what did I know? I was only 22 years old and honestly I knew nothing about life or other places than the little village near London I used to live. But not that just my paradise I thought I found slowly turned into something different I wondered...

"But... why are you telling me this? I only came here to give her something and then I wanted to begin with my own life. Sure she might be my mother," I never thought Claire or Francis would lie to me because of some crazy reason: "but I don't care about her. She left me and that's it."

"We are telling you this to ask you for help."

"For help? Me?"

Claire crossed her legs and I got pretty good view under her dress and swallowed. Oh God, did all women were dressed like her in the nightclub?

"Your mom killed that guy. Or at least she let somebody kill him. He, Jean and Francis were together and working in the de Roxanne, because they broke the rules."

I tilt my head and watched Francis face, his eyes hurt, angry and his lips pressed into a thin line like he tried not to cry. He looked... heartbroken. He looked like someone took something important from him and then, slowly I understood what Claire was saying.

"You mean like... a couple," and Claire nodded while Francis took a deep breath and glared at me like I was the one who could fix everything.

"She is cruel and dangerous when you play against her rules. It's been a year since like this and it is impossible to leave the nightclub if you are once a part of it. Of course she doesn't tell you that and no one really knows about it. It's all behind the curtain and she has her ears almost everywhere."

I looked around, nervously, scared and they both giggled.

"You are safe here, don't worry, boy."

I rubbed my forehead, my eyebrows moved closer and I tried to figure out what it had to do with me. I got that that my mother wasn't my mother anymore although it was hard to imagine.

"And why do you need my help?"

"She has one weak point. You and your dad. And maybe if you could talk to her, if she could only see you maybe it would bring the woman back I once knew. She was a wonderful, nice young woman who wanted to make her dream come true. Until she got addicted to success and money."

"So what, you want to kill her?" Even if I hated her, even if I not wanted her in my life, the idea of killing my own mother terrified me. The idea of killing any other human being terrified me. All I wanted to be was a musician, a violinist and live for a while before I, maybe one day would have my own family.

"God, boy, of course not. I mean sure I will never forgive her what she did to Jean but in the end we both knew what we were doing. We knew the rules, we knew her, but we did what we did and it was our fault. And Jean loved the nightclub, the people there. We are a family. We just need some change because some of us want to leave in their own free will. But it's impossible."

I thought about the audition and about the possibility to live here and play for the famous nightclub. However the price wasn't worth it I told myself. No matter how much money I would get, no matter how famous I could become I didn't want to sell my freedom to my mother and be bond to her. Never.

"I'm sorry but I can't. I understand that you have a hard time, that it isn't fair what she is doing and that it's cruel and inexcusable. But she is no longer a part of my life. I only want to fulfill the promise I gave my father."

All this stuff about taking the freedom away from other people, killing people, being addicted to success and money sounded like a bad nightmare to me. Was that what a nightclub was about? Sad people wearing fancy clothes, erotic clothes and showing skin? Selling their bodies, their different kind of love to get some money, while my mother would get the biggest part of the money?

"Did you ever went to a nightclub?" Claire asked me and I shook my head.

"You probably have the wrong idea of a nightclub after what we've told you," Francis laughed and came closer placing his hand on my shoulder.

"Let's make a deal. Tonight we are going to the de Roxanne and you can make you own opinion. If you still think you can't help us we'll leave you alone."

I agreed because first, I was curious, second, I would knew where I could find my mother.

* * *

I left my belongings in Francis' room and at night we were off to the nightclub. I found out that he was the one who took protected the dancers, singers, the people that were selling their bodies to give men and women a good time, entertain them with their abilities in dancing, singing, showing what they got. It made sense to me why a man like he was, tall, healthy and very well trained body worked for the nightclub. He told me that from time to time some men wanted far to more than what they agreed to and not each courtesan was strong enough to protect themselves. I also found out that it wasn't only men longing for a women's body. Also men longing for a man. Or women for women. Something that you never saw in public but knew about it. And my mother knew how much money she got because she had this offer. I didn't care about that and I never in my life thought about something like that. My focus was on my own business.

We were wearing black suits, white shirt and bowtie and a black stovepipe hat like all men around us did.

"Tonight is one of those special nights. First you'll see the usual show. After that the special show starts, the one you only know or hear about if you know the right people."

I knew what he was talking about and again I understood why they called this place the village of sin. We went inside, left the rainy weather behind us and walked upstairs so I could have a perfect view on everything. Deep inside I felt how nervous I was and also a bit scared because I would see – after 14 years – my mother. While we sat in one of the many lounge corners I played with my fingers under the table, eyes focused down to the floor below us. I never saw a theater like this before. It was more like a huge hall, with two floors, two stages, the huge curtains, all dark red, golden lights everywhere, on the ground, walls, ceiling. It looked incredible. The men moved together, a big crowd of black dressed man standing in front of the main stage, all talking and filling the huge room with noise. And then some minutes later the lights went out and the curtain opened. All lights were focused on the woman wearing a sparkling blood red tight dress, golden eyes and dark curly hair. Her skin was pale, her lips red and slowly a smile appeared on her face and I felt how everybody around me held their breath. I recognizes her, I knew who she was.

Roxanne, my mother.

Behind her were women, all dressed in skirts and corsets like Claire and as the music began and my mother started to walk off the stage the women were following her. They sang, danced next to her. There were skirts flying up and down, showing legs covered in black, red, white stockings. The men stood on the right and left side, moving to the music, cheering, and clearly enjoying what the women were showing. My mother walked back to the stage, the women turning to her direction and then she clapped her hands and huge floor was covered with dancing men and women.

I saw colors, a field constantly moving in a well known choreography. They knew the show, they knew what to do and after an hour the women left, some men following and I took the hat off my head and breathed in deeply.

I needed some minutes to let all that what I saw sink and Francis was right. The image I had about a nightclub was totally wrong. Sure they were all kind of naughty, kind of focused on this one thing but at the same time they were all having fun, a good time and whatever happened behind the rooms, behind the curtains was a secret for everyone that never been in there.

Beside the show, the music I was only focused on my mother. She always walked along the stage, blew some kisses to the crowd, sang along and it wasn't hard for her to get all the attention. But it was clear that she ruled this nightclub, it was clear that she controlled this place. The woman I once knew wasn't there anymore. Sure she looked like my mother but she was older, she was stronger and, like Claire told me, cold.

"You okay boy?"

"Yeah, I am fine."

All that I saw just convinced me even more that I didn't want to be here. Because of her. I really liked what I saw, I loved the performance, the music, the costumes and everything. But as soon as I saw her face, how much she changed I wanted to go away.

More and more people left and new people came inside. This time however were not only men filling the hall also women. They stood before the stage, talking laughing and my mother smiled at them, like a cat aware of what was happening, what the people here wanted. For me her smile was just cold.

"I know why you are here," she said and waved with her forefinger, while everybody laughed: "Tonight you'll get a different show. A show more sensual, slower and more intoxicating. Our blue and red diamond will shine brighter like never before and maybe, one of you lucky, lost souls will have the honor to spent the night with them."

She clapped her hands and the curtained opened once again and the lights went out. I leaned forward, I was curious and I wanted to see what was so different compared to the show I some moments ago. A red light shined on the right side of the stage and I saw a black haired young women with tan skin. She wore a red and black corset, a short red skirt and on her arms, around her neck and in her hair she wore black, glistening pearls. She looked beautiful but also very dangerous, especially when she opened her dark eyes. Behind her were more women all wearing white skirts and corsets.

"Who is she?"

"Santana, the red diamond."

And then there was the blue light, shining on the left side and what I saw made me forget where I was, what I wanted to do. Never in my life I saw something beautiful like him before. Brown to perfection styled hair, pale smooth skin, like porcelain. Lips thin and pink, face like an angel and a body fragile and strong at the same time. He was wearing a tight white pants, a white tight armless shirt and baby blue pearls around his neck and arms. He opened his eyes and I lost myself in it. Although I was in the first floor, many meters away from him I saw the deep blue, green eyes. I saw the sky in them, the light, the paradise I tried to find. I saw the endless beauty and my mouth went dry. How could someone, so beautiful, so pure be here? How could someone sell his body?

"Who... who's he?" My voice was rough, almost a whisper.

"Kurt, the blue diamond."

The music began, a violin followed by a flute and both started to move to each other like the dancers behind them. They looked at each other, not smiling, walking around each other and then as the music went faster, more instruments were playing they danced together and Francis grabbed my shoulder and took me back to sit down. I wanted to protest, I wanted to watch the movement of his body, the smooth, sure and elegant moves and I wondered how could a simple human move his body like he did.

"They are our secret stars. Our diamonds. Roxanne treats them very well and makes sure that no one touches them without her permission. Only the one who pays the most get's some time with Kurt or Santana alone."

I saw them leaving the stage, walking through the crowd, moving like they owned this place and placing their fingers on the shoulders, jaws or chest, sliding them and smiling. And then they sang, danced around them, with them, with each other and all I saw was Kurt, shining, blue eyes, his breathtaking movements, his smile which was for sure not his true smile.

"Incredible, hm?"

"They really are diamonds," I nodded and as I calmed down slowly I felt what my heart was doing. It was pounding hard and fast against my chest. Almost aching but in a good way.


	2. Audition

Chapter 2. Audition

After the show we went back to Claire who was waiting for us, together with two other people. Philipp the dancer, tall, thin, dark eyes and bland head and Julia, long straight blond hair, green eyes and very small. She was responsible for the costumes. They both were around 40 years old and knew my mother as good as Claire did. But my mind was still in the de Roxanne, still imaging the beautiful boy I saw. Still showing me those blue green eyes, like the ocean. Deep, unknown but so, so beautiful.

"The boy is totally out of this world," Claire laughed as I took my jacket off.

"What?"

"See? The magic of the nightclub already caught you."

I just nodded and tried to forget about Kurt, for now and greeted Philipp and Julia. We sat together on a blanket, in the small room where I first met Claire. Around us were candles burning, on the books, the desk, and in the middle of us between the plates filled with fruits, bread, cheese and bacon.

"Eat, Blaine, you must be hungry," Francis shook me by my shoulder and laughed. Again I nodded, almost forgot the ability to speak and picked a red apple out of the wooden bowl.

"He is totally absent. No wonder, I remember the first time I went to the nightclub and saw Roxanne," Philipp said and chewed on the cheese he pulled into is mouth.

I wasn't absent because of my mother, frankly she found no space in my mind. There were only those blue eyes, the pale skin, the body moving so elegant, like nothing could bring him down, like he was some magical creature or an angel. Something like that but definitely not human. No human could have so much grace and at the same time be a total sin.

"Are you okay?" Julia asked and finally I found the words to speak.

"Yes, yeah. It was just... new. I never saw someo... something like that before."

 _Focus_ , I told myself, _focus._

"It's hard to imagine that behind the curtain my mother could be this cruel person you described me."

"She is an actress after all. It's her job to wear a fake face and make people believe it's true," Claire said and opened her dark red hair, so it was covering her bare shoulders.

"It is, true. But I know her real smile, I remember her and what I saw tonight wasn't my mother."

She was cold, her smile was cold, her eyes were cold but no one could see it. No one who didn't know her as good as I did, or what I believed I knew about her and the people that were in this room.

"And all the people belong to her? And no one can leave the nightclub? You said it's almost impossible to leave."

"Someone has to pay for your freedom. Sure you could just go but believe me, she will hunt you. But you know, Roxanne might be a little creepy bitch, but we are still family," Claire said and I wasn't even angry about how she called her.

"So you are all there because you want to?"

"Not all of us. The main part of us has no other place to go and as long as you follow her rules you have a good life there. But some of us are not there because they decided to be there. They had no other choice or were bought by Roxanne," Julia explained to me.

"Bought?" I asked and threw my apple into a bin and took a piece of cheese.

"Yes. Every three months she closes the nightclub for a week and looks for new people. She is doing this because we all have our own price and each month we lose like six dancers. They aren't as expensive as our diamonds for example," Philipp said and I did my best to not think about this boy again.

"So, what is your plan now, Blaine?" Francis asked me and I swallowed the cheese which was left in my mouth. I didn't think about what I wanted to do next, after I saw my mother, the nightclub and after all the things they'd told me. It was clear for me that my mother did some dirty business and even if the people around me were okay with their life and wanted to stay, I was sure not everyone thought this way. All they wanted from me was to talk to my mother, try to find the sympathy, the woman she once was. Because I was her weak point and maybe, if she knew that my father and her husband, or the man she once loved was dead, maybe it would change something inside of her. Yeah, I was sure I could do something but I didn't care. I didn't care about her but about something else and she was part of it, sadly.

"I think I need a night to sleep about it."

* * *

I haven't slept at all. It was 3a.m. in the morning and I was sitting at the window and watched the rain falling. Everybody else was sleeping in their own rooms and gave me the time alone I needed. Sighing I ran a hand through my curls and rubbed my eyes because I was so exhausted and clueless. What should I do? What could I do?

All I wanted, when I made my first step out of London was to find my mother, give her the god damn letters and keep her out of my life for good. Then I wanted to stay in Montmartre, maybe for a year or two, earn some money and go to America to become a famous violinist. Or I would stay in France or go to Spain, anywhere but far away from her. However, the thought of leaving this village hurt me because it had meant that I wouldn't see Kurt again. And this was something I didn't understand. Whenever I tried to remember what I wanted, what my plan was, this blue diamond crossed my mind and I felt a cold twitch inside my heart. I wanted more, I needed more. The thought of never seeing Kurt again hurt so bad I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I just left.

But what did I hope for? The only way of being close to him, closer then just sitting in the first floor and watching his performance was to be a part of the nightclub. To lose my freedom, to be close to my mother and maybe stay there forever. What did I hope for? Why was I so addicted to this boy I didn't even know? I never talked to him, I knew nothing. But just the memory of his face, his movements, his whole being took my breath away and my heart was racing.

So what did I hope for? That we could be friends or what? What if he turned out to be a idiot? What if he was the same cold person like my mother? Why on earth would I give up my freedom, for a boy I knew nothing about, but liked to see him and be disappointed in the end?

I groaned and roughly ran both of my hands over my face.

Not matter how often I told myself I should leave or that I didn't want my mother near me. It was senseless. I was addicted, I needed to know more. I needed to see him again and not just once.

The village of sin had a sin for me. A beautiful, graceful sin and I felt like a crazy, strange boy.

I slept until after midday and I was relieved that I actually could sleep. After I admitted to myself that I really needed to know more about Kurt, my body gave in and the gift was the rest I needed. Luckily I dreamed about nothing and just woke up because of the knocking at my door. Laying on my stomach I turned my head to the right side and mumbled: "Yes?" and Francis came inside with a mug of coffee.

"Oh, wonderful," his low voice vibrated through the room as he laughed: "We thought you might never wake up."

"S'ry to disappoint you," I murmured and slowly sat up and rubbed my eye with the heel of my palm. We shared a smile and thankful I took the mug out of his hand as he hand it to me.

"Wow, this is good," I said and took another sip.

"Philipps special coffee. He thought you might need one after your first night in a nightclub."

He sat down and grinned.

"Well it wasn't that bad at all."

"I believe. Well, I wanted to tell you that dinner is ready and Claire is in rage because she cooked so much for us and no ones there yet."

I looked at Francis and slowly it crossed my mind. Those people helped me and they didn't know me. All they wanted was my help to make their life a bit easier. They knew that maybe I wouldn't help them, that maybe I would say no and go but they didn't care. In fact they gave me a place to sleep, to eat and without wanting money or anything from me. There was guilt I felt, deep guilt but I said nothing, smiled and nodded.

Francis left and I took a quick shower, put some fresh clothes on (a simple white shirt, suspenders and dark pants) and leaned against the window frame, while the wind blew inside my room and the sun was shining down on the wet street, the many rooftops and I knew I had no other choice. I couldn't ignore the screaming from my heart, I just couldn't. I needed to know what was happening, why I was so addicted and I needed to know more about the blue diamond.

All I needed to do now was, become a member of the nightclub and hope that my mother wouldn't recognize me. The last time she saw me was 14 years ago and I told myself it would work. Then she wouldn't be around me, ask me out. I could walk around, do my job and she would think I was a talented violinist. Yes, I would go to this audition and get that job. I would try to get close to Kurt, try to know him and as soon as my curiosity was satisfied I would tell her who I was, give her the letters and, because she was my mother easily leave the nightclub and get my freedom back, because I was her son, and she loved me and she would never do anything to hurt me. At least I told this to myself that it would be easy like I made it up in my mind.

Quickly I went down the old wooden stairs, down to the basement where the kitchen was and saw Claire waving angrily with a wooden spoon in front of Francis face.

"Calm down, Claire. It isn't my fault that Philipp is obsessed with his dance lessons and Julia isn't hungry. Oh... look. There is Blaine."

I gave her a wide smile and suddenly the anger in her face faded and she came to me.

"Hello sweetie," she cupped my face and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I watched her dark red hair as she went back to the counter and placed the saucepan on the table. It was an old, gray, brown kitchen with just one big table in the middle of the room, two benches but I loved it. I really did.

"Take a seat. I've cooked my special tomato soup. You'll love it."

I shook my head and felt this wonderful warm feeling that I used to feel before my father died. It was the feeling of being important, knowing that someone cared for me, the feeling of having a parent that loved you no matter what. I felt this, it was crazy because I knew those people only for a day but I felt this and smiled showing all my teeth.

"Thank you, but I have to tell you something."

Both looked at me, eyes wide, smiles faded and I came closer, shrugged and sighed and knew, once my words were out there was no going back for me. Those people relied on me, they hoped I could help them to get their old friend back, to get a life back without thinking about that they weren't really free.

"I'm in. I'll try to help you."

Claire screamed because of happiness and relieve and Francis jumped, hugged me far too strong and placed a wet kiss on my cheek.

"I love this boy!"

"Thank you Blaine!"

They patted my head, they smiled with glistening eyes and all I could do was laugh because their happiness made me happy. But I said nothing about why I really wanted to join the nightclub.

After dinner we sat together in the kitchen and drank some wine. It was a delicious red wine and I slowly accepted how my life would be for the next weeks or months. I wasn't sure how long I would stay or when my curiosity would be satisfied but I didn't want to spent _years_ in around my mother.

"I guess you want to go to the audition?" Francis asked me while Claire cleaned the dishes.

"Yes. I am a pretty good violinist and I think I could make it. But I have one demand before I try it. I need time. Time to figure out who Roxanne is and also I don't want her to know that I am her son. I guess after 14 years she won't recognize me."

"Yeah, this is a good idea," Claire said and turned back to the dishes.

"I think if I just step inside and tell her who I am, what I want and that my father doesn't live anymore I would change nothing. If I know her I figure out how to change her."

"Well no one of us can say that we asked for your help or that we know who you are. She would be in rage and think we betray her or want to kill her or whatever," Francis agreed with me and I was even calmer inside. On one side I wanted to know who she was, just because she once was an important part of my life. But mainly because it was far more easier for me, to really change something if I knew her weak points, what she hated, liked and everything else.

"Today is Thursday, right? So tomorrow is the audition. I think I should practice and if I get that job I need to find a place to live."

"Oh no, you'll get a room if you get the job. This house belongs to Roxanne and inside the theater are many rooms too. Don't worry about that."

* * *

Friday came fast, too fast. Nervously I was sitting backstage, listening to the other violinist who were playing. Next to me stood Claire, clearly dissatisfied. The other guys were good, I had to admit, but still they played some notes wrong and I didn't know if the jury would recognize it. I didn't know how good they knew music. Some of them were incredible and this made me really nervous. So I tried to calm myself down, to encourage myself. I was the last one and that meant they would remember me easier than the other 12 violinist. Also I trusted my own skills. I was good, I loved music more than anything and whenever I made a mistake I practiced even harder until I could play a song flawless.

"Okay, your turn boy."

I looked up, rubbed my sweaty hands along my pants and took the violin. One last deep breath and then I walked on the stage and saw five people. There was Philipp sitting on the left end, Francis you grinned at me – idiot stop! – my mother, a man I didn't know and then I saw him, the only person that ever made me forget to breath. The blue diamond, Kurt. His bright blue eyes were focused on a sheet of paper and although he was wearing no costume but just a white shirt and dark brown pants he still looked so beautiful, he still did each movement with so much grace, so elegant it was hard to focus on anything else.

"What is your name?" Francis asked me as I reached the center of the stage.

"Blaine Anderson," and my mother didn't look up, she just stared on her sheet of paper and wrote something down. Hopefully she wouldn't recognize me because how probable could it be that I was the only Blaine Anderson in this world. It was impossible and also why should her son be here? Yeah, I really hoped she wouldn't recognize me and as I saw her eyes, looking at me, her dark eyes I saw it. She didn't recognized her own son, the kid she had inside her body for nine months.

"Well then, Blaine. Please begin," the man with the beard and dark hair said.

I avoided to look at Kurt, I could feel his eyes on me and I didn't trust myself to act like it didn't do something to me. I had to make this right, incredible, unbelievable and then I could think about how I could get close to him. Position, the violin on my shoulder, chin on the chinrest and then I started to play. (*)

I kept my eyes closed, played note after note, a slow lovely melody I heard on my way to Paris. All that was missing was a piano but it worked without one too. There were no thoughts in my head, no voices, nothing. I only listened to my violin, let my fingers slip over the strings, guided the bow and after less then 3 minutes I was done. Slowly I opened my eyes, saw the almost empty theatre and the five people looking at me. Francis smirked, Philipp smiled, the other man ran his indexfinger up and down his chin and my mother wrote something down. And Kurt? My heart screamed _look at him_ but my sanity said _no_. So I stared at my mother.

"What do you think, Maurice?" Roxanne asked the man next to her.

"Do you have something more... dynamic?"

"Uhm, sure."

Dynamic? Of course, this was a nightclub. Again, I took a deep breath, position and started to play. (**)

Fast, moving to the sounds I made I fell again, deep into the sound and my blood ran through my veins. My fingers were prickling, my mouth changed into a smile and I really loved how I could show them what I've got. This time I made it sure it wouldn't be two minutes long.

As I finished the song I heard and saw Francis and Philipp clapping, my mother wrote something down – again – and Maurice smiled at me, totally satisfied. And Kurt... this time I looked at him and I saw nothing. No happiness, so surprise, just blue/green eyes starring at me and I was unsure. Usually people were surprised, or smiling like crazy, clapping and asking for more. But not Kurt and it hurt. It really hurt.

"Thank you," Maurice said and I bowed down and left the stage. I felt sick, I was disappointed by myself and I knew it was ridiculous but I really hoped that, as soon as Kurt would hear me playing I could see him smile. Smiling because I did something. Smiling because I wanted to see his not-stage smile. I failed.

"Blaine you were magnificent!" Claire jumped to me and pulled me into a tight hug.

"Thanks," I smiled back, at least I tried.

* * *

It took an hour and then I knew it for sure. I got the job. I was the new violinist and the first step was done. Francis was the first one who came to me backstage and told me the result. Sure it made me happy but still, the fact that I didn't impressed Kurt bothered me far too much. The other violinists left, some wished me good luck, some just glared at me clearly jealous but I couldn't care less. Sitting on the wooden box, while Francis and Claire stood next to me I watched how my mother hugged Philipp, then Maurice and eventually Kurt and jealousy ran through my body. But not for long. She came to us, smiled at me and than, out of the blue she slapped me.

… _.what?_

"Welcome to the El Tango de Roxanne," her voice was sweet but I only felt the bitter pain on my cheek. What the fuck was wrong with her?

"Just to make sure you know who's the boss here." And then she patted my head like I was a little boy and needed some praise.

"Francis, you'll show him his room and explain the rules. Tomorrow Maurice will show you around and you'll meet the other musicians." And she left.

 _What was that_ , I mouthed but Francis shook his head. They were right, totally right. My mother was a wicked, cruel person. Who slapped someone just because to make sure they knew, who ruled this place? Which sane person did something like that? I grumbled something and felt Francis hand on my shoulder.

"We'll meet in my room and pick up your stuff, okay?"

I just nodded and after a while I was the only one left behind the stage. This women made me so angry I wanted to go after her, scream at her and tell her who I was and what she did to us. Because of her my father was a broken man, because of her he suffered for 14 years. Because he loved her and missed her he became sick and died. It just wasn't the right time to do that and I had no other choice and tried to stay calm. Slowly I stood up and went through the small corridor which would bring me out of this damn theater. Yeah, for tonight I hated this place. One hand was pressed against my pounding cheek, the other one held my beloved violin and right at the moment when I wanted to open the door I heard quick steps and...

"Wait!"

I turned around and I saw him in the dim light. Pale skin, brown hair and those beautiful, oh so beautiful blue eyes. I must be dreaming, I thought and the pain coming from my cheek was forgotten at that moment. Something else caught my attention, something I believed I wouldn't see until tomorrow.

He stopped, little space between us and I couldn't take my eyes of his face and I didn't even want to. Maybe this was the first and last time I could take a closer look at him. He was flawless. He really was. Everything was just perfect for me. His hair, his eyebrows, those delicious thin lips and then he opened his mouth and spoke again.

"Here, it will cool your cheek and prevent a bruise or swell."

I forced my eyes down to his hands and he held a small, white box.

"Oh.. uhm... thank you," damn, I almost stuttered. I took the box out of his hands and made sure not too touch him but I really wanted to, I really did. It was just that who knew who was watching us or if it even was okay for us to stay here together, for me to talk with him. Damn, everything was just so complicated and it didn't even really started. Nothing! I just got this job, tried to understand that I lost my freedom but got the chance to know Kurt better. Just...

"You were good, Blaine."

My head jerked up, too fast it almost hurt and I raised my eyebrows.

"Really?"

"Really. I've never heard someone as good as you."

"Thanks."

_He thinks I am good! He thinks I am good!_

I wanted to jump, to smile like an idiot, to hug him and shout it out to the world. Of course I didn't do it. I just stood there and couldn't believe that he was right in front of me and told me all those things I doubted an hour ago.

"You'll get used to this place. It isn't that bad."

No, the people were okay only my mother was some crazy human being.

"You are right, I guess. Well I... I should go."

Kurt nodded and smiled. _He smiled_ and it was the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my life. Honest, warm and sweet and just... no matter what he did he was so beautiful. Gosh, I must be sick or something, I thought.

"Take care."

I turned around, opened the door and a smiled so hard that my cheek hurt even more.


	3. Rules

Chapter 3. Rules

Francis told me that I would get my own room which emerged to be in the same house I already lived in. Sure I've hoped I could get a room inside of the theater, because Kurt was there too but I said nothing. I didn't want to be selfish. I had this job, I was closer to Kurt than I ever expected and now the only thing I had to do was to not screw things up. My mother was cruel and cold and the memory how she hit me made my blood boiling. So I tried to keep her out of my thoughts and it was easy because Kurt was everything I could think about. As soon as I came back, Claire, Philipp, Julia and Francis were cheering, smiling, jumping and so, so happy that I got in. They hugged me, kissed my cheeks and I felt worn out after the countless hugs.

We took my stuff to my room, which was in the top floor (like Francis' room) with the advantage that I could look inside the nightclubs rooms. So as soon as it was after midnight and everybody was sleeping I stepped hesitating to the window, lights out, completely silent and observed the many windows. Some were already dark, others weren't. I heard the music, the men celebrating inside the theater (luckily I wasn't on the side where the entrance was, because my sleep was something holy for me) so it was quiet enough to be able to sleep.

I sat down on the window ledge, left knee bent to my chest and looked for what I hoped I could see. But all I saw were unfamiliar faces, closed curtains, shadows moving and no Kurt.

They were diamonds. Kurt and Santana were diamonds and of course no one should see them outside the show. They were hidden and only those who would pay for them should see them. They were hidden so no one could know where they were and no one could take them away or even know they existed.

* * *

Saturday came and we went to the nightclub pretty early. Francis was still happy and excited about the fact that I was part of the crew, part of the nightclub and the one that maybe could change my mother into something good. Well, yeah, I would try that but not now. Entering the hall I saw all the people who were working for my mother. On the stage, stairs, chairs, everywhere and they were singing, dancing or just talking. It was something new for me to see them in, for them probably, ordinary clothes (although the women still showed enough skin) but it made me calm because I thought I would be the only one wearing simple pants, a shirt and a dark vest. But still, I saw the difference between them and me.

"Look, pretty boy is here," I heard a woman giggle and Francis grinned.

"Don't scare him away."

I just smiled and followed Francis on the stage. He explained to me that the hall and was the heart of the theater. Under the hall was the basement where the sewers were working and more instruments kept. As I studied the hall I saw on the left side stairs leading to the first floor (same on the right side) were all the instruments were. Just the idea of what a close, perfect view I would have made me excited.

"Blaine..." Francis slapped my arm.

"Sorry..." I didn't hear him after I imagined what a perfect view I would have on Kurt.

"Ah I see, you found your place," his eyes moved up: "But don't get used to it. Sometimes you'll play in front of the stage, like an orchestra. This might be a nightclub but it's also a theater or it will be one."

"It will be?"

We went behind the stage, where some women were sitting on old boxes, laughing about something and drinking wine. Above us at the ceiling were ropes hanging down, spotlights in many different colors. Yeah, like a theater, I thought.

"Claire came to me yesterday after you fell asleep and told me, that Roxanne and Maurice came up with the idea to make the nightclub also into a theater. You know, whenever she leaves we don't have to close the nightclub, instead we'll be a theater for a week or more."

"So she doesn't have to be afraid some people might touch her diamonds? Or do anything stupid?"

Francis smiled at me, his blue eyes wide with sureness: "Not just pretty also smart."

Well it wasn't that hard for me to figure it out. A theater was something calm, entertaining on a different way as a nightclub and the audience were mainly people who wanted to see a good play and not to sleep or whatever with the actress and actors. It was a pleasure for the soul and not necessarily for the body.

"I have some theater experience. Not as an actor, obviously, but I know some stuff."

"Oh so..."

"Francis, Roxanne wants to see you!" we both turned around and saw Claire: "You can leave the boy alone. Maurice will be here in an hour."

Francis sighed, rolled his brown eyes and I smiled at Claire as she left the stairs up.

"God, whatever. You just go around and get to know this place. It's not really that huge. But make sure to be here in an hour."

* * *

Maybe it was stupid or something, but I was really excited to walk around, alone because I could do this. I was working for the nightclub, I could walk around without anybody stopping me. And I could look for Kurt and say that I just lost myself or whatever. I was new, I knew nothing and no one could blame me for going wherever I wanted to go. It was a simple structure. Backstage were all the costumes, mirrors, make up and after the backstage was a golden, brown colored corridor with stairs at the two ends, and along the corridor were doors on the one side. It was more like a hotel and I wasn't really surprised. I went upstairs, two floors with countless rooms, and then the top floor there were only three doors. A brown one leading to the rooftop, the other one blue and the last one red and I knew where I was, or hoped I was there. I chose the brown door, opened it and there were stairs again guiding me to the rooftop. Outside I looked down, leaned against the dark balustrade and saw a garden, a huge garden. Naked trees (it was still January), bleaches, a rivulet and I knew, as soon as spring would come it would look incredible. Along the walls were branches, probably flowers or something. I looked to the right, along the balcony and saw on the right side a red pavilion roof. It was made of white painted wood and glass; tall and open to all sides, but thick red curtains were blocking the view to the inside. The other was similar to the other one just with thick blue curtains. I went to the left side, starring at the door to the pavilion and I swallowed hard before I opened the door.

I peeked my head inside and saw a huge, wonderful room. Along the inside of the pavilion was a huge gray couch with many white pillows, floor dark wood and down from the ceiling of the pavilion were white veils hanging. I stepped inside and looked to the left side were the room was. Blue walls with, ceiling like the sky when dawn came, a large dark brown bed (with so many pillows), closet and a coffee table, a desk with a mirror, make up, face cream and jewelry. It looked like I was stepping from the clouds into the sky and I never thought blue could look this good as a room color.

"Blaine?" the door to the corridor opened and Kurt stepped inside and I jumped back and fell over my own feet. _Oh fuck, damn,_ I cursed inside my head. Whenever I saw him I felt like an idiot because I was just staring at him and forgot to breath. No matter if he wore a costume or just a shirt and pants, he always looked so beautiful, like he didn't belong here. No, he must escaped out of a fairytale and got lost.

"What are you doing here? How did you came inside my room?"

"The... the pavilion door was open," I stuttered and he laughed. I hoped he wasn't laughing about me because I was an idiot.

"Oh, I forgot to lock the door."

He walked beside me, fast and locked the door and I got the chance to stare up, stare at his back, his ass and my mouth became wet. What was wrong with me? What was this feeling inside my heart? What was happening to my body? I was shaking, inhaled as I recognized how hard it was to breath and then he turned around and I stood up.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know this is your room," but I hoped it was.

"Well you shouldn't tell Roxanne you were here without my permission. Also you shouldn't tell her that I forgot to look my door," he said while I stood up and didn't dare to make a move as he came closer and his blue eyes, so clear, so close that I saw the slight green in them.

"Your cheek looks good."

"Oh, ah! Yeah, your crème helped a lot. Thanks, Kurt," it felt so good to say his name while I was talking to him and I saw his small smile when I mentioned his name.

"And I saw your performance, it was incredible," I added.

"So you are into men?"

 _Damn_ , I thought. Francis told me I shouldn't tell anybody about me knowing him or Claire before I got into the nightclub. So I couldn't tell him about that.

"Uhm.. no. Well... I don't know. Maybe? I've never been in love with anybody," I was not a virgin anymore but I never felt what my father always told me.

"You are a lucky guy," he sighed and went to his desk, sitting down and looking into the mirror. Lucky guy? Me? For never being in love with anybody? My mouth was open, my eyes studying Kurt while he combed his hair.

"You don't believe in love?"

"Do you?"

"Of course!" I said it louder than I wanted to: "Love is the best thing that can ever happen to us. To love someone, to be loved back by someone. Love is like... going home. Love is like the air for... our soul and heart. It's a blessing, heals all wounds. Love takes us to places we could never dream of, makes us weak, strong and sometimes love... let us do stupid things.

I took a deep breath, chasing the thoughts that were running through my mind.

"We forget to breath, forget the sadness and feel the happiness. We want to keep this... this light, this comfort, this home. It's warm, it's all we need, what we want... to find. It can be each color, each shape. It's just... all we are waiting for. It comes to us, suddenly, fast, we can't even see it but it's suddenly... there and all we want is to keep it. "

I didn't want to believe Kurt didn't believe in love and then, slowly I realized what I've said. Exactly everything I was feeling. Everything I didn't understand until I said it out loud.

_I was in love._

"Sounds like you've already been in love," Kurt said and still smiled.

"No... that's what my father told me and I believe in that. I believe in love."

He closed his eyes, shook his head and sighed.

"You better forget that and come with me. You are supposed to meet Maurice, right?"

I only nodded and followed him downstairs. I wondered why my believe in love was such a bad thing. It couldn't be bad. I knew love could hurt, love could drive a person crazy, sad and love killed my father. But he always told me I should never stop believing in love, because as much as it could hurt, the good things love did to us were far more tense, far more important, everything we needed.

Maybe Kurt had a bad love experience? Maybe he was hurt by someone? But who on earth would do that? Who wouldn't love Kurt and do everything to keep this love when he returned it? This person must be blind, the biggest fool ever.

We both met Maurice on the stage and the other musicians. I couldn't really focus on each face I saw and each name I heard because there was Kurt, the perfect distraction for me and I needed to look at him. Especially since I understood what was happening with me, why I was so addicted to him, why I thought it was like poison always thinking of him, wishing I could be near him. Love. The thing I only heard about, I only dreamed about was here, so close and yet so far and I didn't know what to do. Kurt thought love was something bad, not important and nothing he was longing for. Also, why would he fall in love with me? I was just a simple guy, a violinist, not as beautiful as Kurt. I had no grace, I was not as elegant as he was.

Luckily I was no one who gave up that easily. I would convince him otherwise, I would show him that love wasn't that bad. I wanted to show him in what I believed.

* * *

I practiced with the other musicians for two hours and fortunately I had enough experience about playing in in a orchestra and the fact that I knew a bunch of songs made it easier for me to learn new ones. I was talented, no question and I made sure to show them this. I needed this job, I needed to be close to Kurt (he was watching us during the practice). Sweaty and a bit tired we separated and Maurice praised me and said he was lucky to have me. Hopefully he would tell my mother this.

"And what do you think Kurt?" Maurice asked him as we sat down on the edge of the stage.

"I think he fits right in and he is really talented. Like really."

I smirked, almost blushed.

"And it will be perfect for our performances. Santana will be glad too. Anyway, I see you both later."

And Kurt left, while Maurice stood up: "See you tonight, Blaine."

"See you." I watched him going, greeting Francis who was coming on the stage and smirking at me. It made me calm to see his smirk, because for some seconds I was afraid my mother called him, because she knew something about our plan. But his smirk convinced me I was wrong.

"Good start?"

"Pretty good," oh and how good it was, although this love stuff Kurt believed in was still a bit hard to handle. I would think about that later.

"I figured this place out I guess and I must say you have some pretty places here. Like the huge garden."

Francis smirked, sat down next to me while the people around us were dancing, practicing and a guy was playing the piano. Yeah, this place wasn't that bad at all when ignored the bad things they had told me.

"There is one last thing I need to tell you," Francis said as we watched the dancers dancing. Ten groups of two people were moving similar, each step, each bow, each turn.

"The rules, right?"

"Yes," he nodded slowly, his elbows on his lap while his hands were entwined.

"Since we are a nightclub and most of us are here to sell their bodies, Roxanne made three rules. The first one; you can only leave this club when someone pays for your freedom. If you try to escape she'll find you. Second; no jealousy. Jealousy is poison for the nightclub. There are dancers who are better than other dancers, or musicians, or prostitutes who have more customers than other ones. Third: No love."

No...what? I moved my head to the side, too fast that my neck almost hurt.

"Love can make you jealous, love can make you do crazy things and love is also poison for this business. Just imagine you would be together with someone here, a prostitute and she or he has a customer? I couldn't live with that."

"But... but we can't control it who we fall in love with."

"Of course not but these are the rules," he leaned closer to me an whispered: "That's why we need you too. Because the rules are crazy."

"But... what if it happens? What if someone falls in love here?"

"You make sure she doesn't know. That's why she killed my boyfriend, Blaine. We knew what we were doing, we knew it. But we were too careless."

* * *

It was my first night as the new violinist of the nightclub and I didn't remember a damn thing. I was only playing the violin, mind blank and waiting for the show to be over. And as that moment came I realized it after everybody was gone. I walked down from the first floor to the stage, wearing a black suit and sitting down on a chair, next to the stage. My violin in my left hand and the bow in my right hand, my eyes focused on the floor.

Kurt said to me that day, as we were talking about love; _you better forget that._ After Francis told me the rules I knew why he told me that. No one in this damn club was free. No one had his own freedom, no one was free to love, no one was free to feel anything at all. Not really. If it happened you made sure my mother didn't know a thing about it. You had to hide your feelings, you had to stay in this club until someone would pay for your freedom, for your right to be a human. This was insane, my mother was insane and I didn't want to believe these rules existed because of money. Did she really made those rules because she wanted the money? Was this my mother? The women my father loved until his dying day? Even if my fathers death still made me sad and hurt me, I was happy that he didn't know these things. His heart was broken enough.

And I? I was in love, in love with the blue diamond, with Kurt. He who sold his body, he who was the star of the special show. He who was the most beautiful human being in this world. I wondered if he was here because he wanted it. I wondered, if he could ever love me back and if yes, if he would give us a chance even with those stupid rules. I had so many questions and at the same time I asked myself how should I handle all this on my own?

I promised to help them to change my mother – if this was even possible – but all I wanted now was to know Kurt better, to figure out if this love I felt was true, if it would last, if he could love me in return. This obsession, this need for more, this ache inside me because of the rules was almost too much. I wished my father was still alive, I wished I had someone to talk to, someone who could help me because I needed Kurt. I needed to be with him like I needed air to breath. But alone it was far too dangerous. Trying this out meant that I had to break the rules and that my life and also Kurt's was in danger.

"You are still here?" I heard Claire speaking and saw her walking down the stage. Her red hair open, her brown eyes studying my tired face and she placed a hand on my slick hair, the curls already escaping from the gel. Like a mother she ran her hand through it and I sighed.

"I... I need your help."

* * *

Claire wasn't angry, in fact she hugged me and smiled when we were back in my room and I told her about my feelings, about how much I wanted Kurt even if I didn't know him at all. All I knew was that he was the most beautiful living creature in this world.

"I knew I promised to help you and I will. Not because I care about my mother, but because with these rules it's too dangerous for me to try anything. But I have to, I have to try it before I don't know what will happen."

There were many things that could happen each damn day and it scared me. I could lose him before I even got the chance to be with him. Some rich guy could show up, have the money my mother wanted, be obsessed with Kurt and she would say yes and Kurt too, because, hello, this would be his ticket to be free. Or what if someone found out how I felt for Kurt – I mean whenever I saw him it was hard to look away and not show my admiration for him. Who knew if I made big heart eyes, who knew if everyone saw the idiotic smile on my face when I saw him. Who knew how obvious my face was when he was around me. Someone could figure it out, tell my mother and I was screwed before I even got a chance to try anything.

"And I care about you and Francis because you let me sleep here and gave me a place to stay."

Claire nodded, her hands laying on her lap, on the yellow fabric of her skirt and sighed, smiling sweetly.

"It hit you really bad, hm?"

I nodded quickly, with wide eyes and swallowed. Oh yes, this feeling, this love – I believed it was love – hit me really bad.

"I am just afraid you might get hurt, Blaine. Kurt is..."

"No, please. I want Kurt to tell me something about him."

Sure I wanted to know everything, but not from the others. I wanted to ask him, he must be the one who wanted to tell me something about him and Claire smiled. She understood me.

"Well, I can't stop you. And I think you should tell it Francis, Philipp and Julia too. Philipp and Julia are pretty close to Kurt and they are trustworthy. And Francis because of what happened to him and Jean."

"How... how long has it been since Jean..?"

"Two months now. You know it wasn't like they were careless and Jean really loved this nightclub and us. So he went to Roxanne, hoping for a change and told her, that he was in love. Not that he was in love with Francis, just simply that he was in love and it was the best thing that ever happened to him. He told us what he did and he and Francis had a big fight. Three days later someone killed Jean and we all knew this would happen."

I took my lower lip between my teeth and looked to down. What happened to Francis was terrible and I really felt sorry for him. But knowing that my mother only found this out because Jean told her the truth gave me hope and I felt even more sorry for thinking this.

"You think Francis will support me?"

"Of course. I mean he is hurt, he misses Jean but he is also angry for what he did and all Francis wants now is a change. And you know, you are her son and Kurt and Santana are pretty close to her too. Roxanne really listens to what they are saying. Maybe this will turn out into something even better for us. And I and the others would be the last person to stop you from loving someone. It won't be easy, you'll see. But we'll support you."

I've never been a person that got easily down. I always tried to find the light, the hope and did the best no matter in which situation I was living. Sometimes, yeah, sometimes I had my sad phase because I was still a simple human being. But at that moment, knowing they would support me, knowing that maybe this could work, that maybe my feelings would find a place in Kurt's heart. That was enough for me to carry on.

"Do you... do you think he could like me? I mean... Kurt?"

She stood up, smirked and squeezed my cheeks with her thumb and index finger.

"It would really surprise me if not."

* * *

March came and I didn't even recognize when. The nights were long and most of the time I was practicing, playing and sleeping until I found a rhythm so I could do other stuff too. I was talking with Francis, Claire, Julia and Philipp about what I wanted to do and how and when I should start to get closer to my mother, but also to Kurt. The first weeks she was really mean to me. She never slapped me again but her cold eyes were always focused on me, each step I did and after a month she gave me her first smile and I knew, she trusted me and it was Claire who explained it to me. My mother was ready and accepted me.

Until that I kept myself away from Kurt. I never went back to his room, never followed him and never talked to him unless I had to. So mainly when the musicians had their meeting and he and also Santana were part of it. They decided what music should be played during their show.

So after a month my mother trusted me and I finally could stop the distance I had to keep between me and Kurt. Finally I could do what I needed and what I had to do.

We were all sitting together on the countless chairs right before the stage. Kurt was sitting in front of me, whispering something into Santana's ear and I kept staring at him, forgetting where I was. The back of his neck, his shoulders, everything just so beautiful that I wondered how he would look like without this shirt. Bright, thin shoulders, skin so flawless and soft I wanted to place my lips on his neck and take a small taste of it. Maybe he would taste like spring, maybe like something sweet and cold.

"Hey!" Francis hissed and smacked the back of my head: "Focus!"

"Sorry," I rubbed the place where he hit me and sat up straight. He was right, this was the wrong place for day dreaming.

Maurice went on the stage, rubbing his chin – he shaved his beard a week ago – while Philipp talked to him and then he nodded slowly and both stood in front of us, smiling.

"We've been talking about this for weeks but now it's official. We'll become a theater too!" Maurice said and some were clapping, some sighing and Kurt and Santana smiling at each other. Oh! So he liked the idea?

"Since it's March and Roxanne will leave us soon for two weeks, we need to create a play. Do we have some talented writers here?"

"We are talented in moving our hips!" a woman said from behind and the hall was filled with laughter for some seconds.

"And don't forget in dancing, singing and also acting too," Philipp pointed his finger in her direction and smiled with raised eyebrows.

"When does she leave?" I asked Francis as everyone was busy with laughing.

"In the middle of April."

"Anyway," Maurice cleared his throat: "We need a play and a script at the end of next week. Any volunteers?"

No one raised his hand and probably because no one had an idea how to write a play.

"Come on guys. At least I want six people."

I watched Santana whispering something to Kurt and then slowly they both raised their hands. I felt panic and my thoughts were running. If I only raised my hand I could be a part of their group, I could be close to Kurt without excusing myself. I was just too afraid it would be too obvious. But then Francis raised his hand, Philipp was staring at me and slowly I raised my hand too. Oh my poor heart was running too fast for my own good. Philipp raised his hand and Julia too. Six people.

"Oh how perfect," Maurice said and smirked at Philipp.

"The sewer, our most talented performers, the dancer, the guardian and the violinist."

"Perfect match, duh," Philipp shrugged: "We can work on the music, the costumes and the dancing while we create an incredible play."

"I think with Blaine you are able to create something good. You were playing at theaters, am I right?"

"Yes, that's true."

Honestly, I had no idea how to write a play. Yeah I had some conversations with some writers, my father had a lot of books I read, but I never was really interested in writing. The only thing I did in the past was playing my violin. Well, whatever. What mattered was that I could finally do what I wanted to do for weeks. Finally.


	4. Stories

 

Chapter 4. Stories

 

Kurt was laughing, Francis was jumping on my bed and Philipp wore an ridiculous big hat with green feathers, red lipstick on his lips and glared at Francis, while Santana shook her head. It was the 5th day and we were fooling around, again.

“And I tell you my heart was captured at the moment, I saw your golden locks, Philipp. Your ass moving with such a grace and...”

“Are you kidding me?” Philipp looked at Francis, not amused while I played some dramatic melody on my violin.

“Mademoiselle, what do you think of me?” Francis jumped off the bed, Kurt pressed his hand against his mouth and Santana groaned: “I could never joke about your beauty.”

“Okay, that's enough.”

Philipp took of the hat, threw it at Francis and hit his face. I stopped playing and smirked while Julia wiped her eyes dry because she was laughing way to hard.

Although my room wasn't that big, we fit right in. I only had a bed, a closet, my desk and three chairs and a couch. The walls were a slight old orange and the floor dark brown. Simple and old but enough for me.

“So what do we have so far?” Philipp asked and rubbed his bland head.

“We only need an ending. Santana and I wrote the beginning and Francis and Philipp the main part. So I guess Kurt and Blaine should think about how it ends?”

I stared at Julia, thankful and also unsure while she gave me look trying to tell me; this is your chance. Kurt said nothing, he just looked at Santana who shrugged and yawned.

“What do you think, Kurt?” Philipp asked him.

“I think it would be fair. Meanwhile you and the dancers could think about the performance and Julia and Santana can already start with the costumes.”

“And you, Blaine?” Francis smirked and I wanted to slap him for that.

“Uhm... what about Maurice? He needs to read the script first, right?”

“Nah! He'll love it. It has drama, it is realistic, totally something he loves.”

“Then... yeah, why not.”

They stood up, smiling and because it was late they slowly left my room, wishing me a good night until there was only Kurt and Santana, who stood at the door frame.

“I'll be waiting for you in my room, okay? Around midday?”

“Perfect,” I breathed.

 

* * *

I couldn't sleep so I sat on a chair, next to the window and watched the rooftop of the nightclub. It was late, the show was still on, the music a muffle and all I could think about, was tomorrow. I would be alone with him, in his room, trying to figure out an ending for the play. This was something I had to do, I got that but I was excited and scared too, because this was all I wanted to do in the past weeks. But no, I tried to ignore him, tried not to be too obvious about what I felt for him. So I decided to keep my distance to Kurt, like Francis said until my mother wouldn't watch each step I did anymore.

I somehow slept for some hours and at midday I made my way to Kurt's room. I inhaled, rubbed my sweaty hands dry on my pants and ran a hand over my curls. God, what if he doesn't like my curls? I should smooth them! But it was too late and I knocked at the blue painted wood.

“Come in!”

Just his voice and my breath was shaking. I opened the door, called for courage like a mantra and stepped inside. He wasn't on his bed, he wasn't at his desk – I closed the door – he was sitting on this huge white couch, under the pavilion, a dark blue blanket covering his legs while he read the script. Well what we had so far.

“Hello,” I smiled and he smiled back.

“Hi, sit down. I think I already have an ending.”

“Yeah?” I asked while my legs were shaking but I tried to walk straight and as soon as I reached the couch I sat down, keeping enough space between us so I still could look on his notes.

“Yes. It's not a happy ending though.”

He handed me the notes, I took them and he leaned against the backrest, watching me. I read it and my mouth hang open while I stared at him, his blue eyes exhausted. I wanted to ask him why he looked like this, if he wasn't sleeping and working all night on it. But I would ask that later, maybe.

“This is really... bad,” It was a drama.

“I mean,” Kurt began and read the notes from Santana and Julia: “It starts with Elisa being married to the rich guy Louis and then she falls in love with Peter and gets pregnant with his child. But she can't leave Louis because Peter is poor but the love of her life. But they keep on meeting each other until her son Benjamin turns sixteen and finds it out.”

“And then they explain what happened in the past,” I spoke on: “Explain what true love is about and he helps them to hide their relationship. Then Louis sister Amber finds it out, tells it her brother and they plan on killing Peter. And luckily Benjamin knows about that, warns his mother and his true father and helps them to escape to America because Peter finally has the money.”

Kurt nodded, moved, his back against the backrest, head in his neck and staring at the ceiling of the pavilion.

“But they won't make it. Louis and Amber find them, and Elisa throws herself in front of the gun and the bullet, which was supposed to be killing Peter, killed her. And Louis, totally shocked let the gun fall, Peter took it while the love of his life dies in his arms and shot at Louis. Amber screams and cries and killed Peter and after him herself. Benjamin is the only one left, but he is rich now and can do whatever he wants.”

My eyes were focused on Kurt who still smiled and I really wondered, what happened to him that he didn't believe in love, or in anything good at all?

“But he also could figure out that his mother decided that you should always choose your true love? No matter how long it takes?”

He turned his head to me, looking like he asked me if I was serious but still smiling.

“You even find something good when there is nothing?”

“I just like some kind of happy ending.”

He sighed: “Well, living here makes happy endings unreal.”

We both were silent for some seconds, looking somewhere but not at each other and I figured out that he was right. This place took your freedom away, in every way. I understood why it was better to not be jealous about each other but not allowed to love? Not allowed to leave this place? Who choose such a life?

“Why are you here, Blaine?” he asked and wrapped his arm around his bent legs: “I mean, sure, you are a violinist but working for a nightclub? You could also work in a theater.”

I pressed my lips together, looked at him for a while and searched for a reason. I couldn't tell him the truth, that I came here because of him and because of my mother. The first reason was too crazy to tell and embarrassed me kind of and the second reason would take Kurt into too much trouble.

“It was the first opportunity to get a job.”

“Giving up your freedom for money?”

Oh God, what was he thinking? That I didn't care about anything but money? The urge to slap me was crawling up my mind but I stifled it.

“Why are you here?” I asked in return even if I felt unsure about asking this. Fuck, he made me so nervous when he was around that it became hard to focus on anything.

Kurt blinked, two times and his smile vanished.

“It's the best I can do,” he stood up, walking to the coffee table – graceful, sinful although he just simply walked – next to the couch and took his glass of water into his hand: “acting, dancing and giving some lonely men a good time,” a sip: “It's the easiest way to get money and to pay my debt. Looking pretty, knowing how to satisfy a men and not believing in love has his benefits.”

“But..” I stood up, feeling anger inside me, feeling disbelieve and all I wanted to do was to kiss him, to tell him he shouldn't do this. Throwing himself away for some men – and I bet some of them were just horny, disgusting and although Kurt didn't want to share his bed with them he had to do it. “How can you do this? Just, giving yourself away and not caring about love, about anything? Don't you want to be free some day? Don't you want to go to see the world? Fall in love and let it swallow you? Once you have payed your debts, once someone bought you free, don't you want to do that?”

“I'm doing this for five years now, since I was eighteen. I get it that you can't understand what I am doing, since you believe in something silly like love. Also this is my body and if I want to sell it I do it.”

Our eyes stared at on another, we both were silent again and I tried to calm myself down because it hurt to hear that. It hurt me that he was thinking that way, that he called the most greatest thing on this world silly. Like it was just some stupid idea, something only a fool would believe in. Fine, I was rather a fool than some cold creature like my mother.

“You are too beautiful, Kurt,” I couldn't stop my mouth from speaking: “Too beautiful to sell yourself to anybody. You should give yourself to someone who worships you, loves you and not to some men you know for five minutes.”

I know it was his job, I know it was his way to get more many than just from his acting. I got that but still, it hurt so bad just to know he gave himself away for money.

“You put your nose into stuff that is none of your business, Blaine.”

His voice was quiet, warning and I stopped breathing. Did I cross a line? Did I screw up what I couldn't even start? Didn't he hear what I was saying? I told him that he was too precious to do such a thing but he just ignored it like... like he didn't believe in what I believed in.

“I'm telling you how it is, Kurt and you probably don't see it.”

“Are you my therapist?” he laughed and went back to the couch, picking up the notes and handed them to me: “I am fully aware of who I am, what I have and what I can.”

“You are not. Otherwise you wouldn't do what you are doing. I get it that you need to pay off your debts, I get it that you are used to doing this. But you don't see what I see,” I said almost despaired.

“You don't know me, Blaine. You just have a silly obsession with me. Well it only proofs that my acting is good.”

Sure I had an obsession, I never denied that, not even to myself. But not because of his acting. Not because of the mask he was wearing. I didn't see that but far more, so much more.

“You are wrong. I can show you that you are wrong.”

I took the notes out of his hand and swallowed the anger down because being angry about him was something I didn't want to be.

“We keep that ending?”

“We'll see,” was all I said until I turned around and wanted to leave.

“And, Blaine,” he said before I opened the door and I looked at him for one last time, while he his blue eyes just glared at me, like he wanted to remind me I was wrong: “If you want to show me anything you have to pay for it.”

 

* * *

 

There was no way I would pay for something like that. It was against what I believed in and what my father had told me. Paying for love was no option, never ever. If my love for him would be forever just a dream, something I could never get, never call mine than so be it. I rather was a heart broken violinist than forcing him to anything and not be better than anybody else who paid for one night with Kurt. And whenever I remembered what he said to me I felt my heart aching. How could he think that? How could he think he was just some product, just a body anybody could pay for and use it? I wanted to talk about that with Claire or Francis, anybody but they would tell me probably the same thing Kurt said. It is his job and he had debts, by my mother as I found out later. I knew he wouldn't tell my why he had this debts so I asked and I didn't like it. But I needed to know it so maybe there was a way I could help him. And there was one. I had money, a lot of money and maybe I could pay off his debt, maybe I could even pay for his freedom. And what about my freedom? What about my promise to talk to my mother? I was selfish, because even if I could pay for his freedom I would lose him and he was the only thing that kept me in this nightclub, this bordello and theater.

 

It was almost the end of March and I avoided Kurt as much as possible and he made no indication of being bothered about that. I wouldn't pay for him and he didn't care and we both got enough distraction. The play. At day we were all practicing and I was really happy that I wasn't one of the actors so I wouldn't be forced to interact with Kurt. No, there between the piano, the guitar and trumpets was my place and my violin calmed me down.

At night the usual business went on and whenever I did what I had to do – playing the violin – I went straight back home, slept some hours and practiced again or spent my free time with Claire in the kitchen. However, after three weeks of avoiding each other I was really miserable and I couldn't tell what hurt more. The fact that Kurt believed all this stuff he told me or the fact that we were avoiding each other. Or I was avoiding Kurt because who knew if he cared about me, at all.

“You should talk to him, Blaine,” Claire said while I stared into my mug of tee.

“I don't know. I don't even understand what it means to be a courtesan or prostitute or whatever.”

What they were doing was clear for me, but the way Kurt thought about it was just wrong.

“Some, like Kurt, need the money but at the same time they are okay with what they are doing. And some of us even enjoy it. They made their decision.”

“I get that. But just...” I was honest, I didn't care about anybody but Kurt. If the other did it because they wanted to or just because of money, fine. But they probably cared more about themselves than Kurt who just threw himself away. Or what I believed he did. Well he made it sound like that.

“You should talk to him. You'll see he didn't mean it like he said it,” Claire squeezed my shoulder as she went by.

I snorted angrily but decided to follow her advice. I had to fix this, I needed to fix this. But I decided I would do that after everyone calmed down, because we all were far to busy with the play and at the night show. Two weeks later – it was almost mid-April – the last night show happened and my mother prepared everything for her departure. The guests left, some stood in the corridors waiting for their turn to visit the women and men, while Francis and some other strong men surveyed the customers, took the money and guided them to the rooms or outside if they were not trustworthy or had not enough money. Luckily, I thought, not everyone would get the chance to sleep or whatever with Kurt or any other.

“Blaine!” Francis hissed as I waited at the stairs to the first floor. I stood up, walking up the stairs and he grinned at me: “She'll be leaving tomorrow in the morning. No customers for almost three weeks, she'll be away longer than expected.”

“Okay,” I smiled and it made me really happy. I would use these three weeks wisely and show Kurt what I was talking about.

“Good, now go and get some...”

But he was cut off because some of the guards shouted his name from the... third floor!

“Here is a filthy brat in the blue room!”

Francis literally jumped upstairs and I followed him without really realizing it. Panic, cold sharp panic was running through my veins, right into my heart and I begged Kurt was okay.

As I reached the third floor I saw how Francis dragged a man out of Kurt's room and I was surprised that he didn't look like a disgusting man, more like someone trustworthy. A suit, around 30 years old and brown slick hair. The other guardian grabbed the man's arm and Francis snarled something at him before he looked at me.

“Go to Kurt and make sure he is fine. I'll throw this asshole out and then I'll be back.”

All I did was nodding and went to the door, waiting until Francis was gone and looked inside. There was only one light burning, the dark canopy bed, with white, almost transparent curtains to the left undone and Kurt sitting at the edge of it, his head in his hands, running through his hair. He wore dark pants, his shirt on the floor and he sighed. I closed the door behind me, said nothing until he looked up. It was hard for me to see his face, his eyes because the light was behind him and Kurt was in the realm of shades. At the moment when I decided to step closer and make sure he was okay Kurt spoke.

“You can go. I'm fine. It's not the first time this happened.”

Kurt stood up, the light fell on his bare back and his skin literally shined. Pale, almost white but still healthy. He stopped at his mirror running his hand over his chest, looking for maybe marks or scratches but there was none. Luckily there was nothing like that. His eyes were moving, looking at me through the mirror and he groaned quietly.

“You can go, Blaine. Everything's fine,” then he looked back into the mirror, placing his hand's on the wood and hung his head.

He wasn't fine, I saw it in his eyes. There was no shine, there was nothing of the bright blue I loved to see. There was something else, fear, hurt, even sadness and it hurt me to see this. It didn't matter if this had happened in the past, it didn't matter if he was even used to it. What mattered was that he was hurt, that he needed comfort and I wondered if he ever got that when something like this happened. My golden eyes stared at the bed, saw the dark blue blanket and I took it, pulled it off the bed and went to him.

“It's okay,” I said quietly as I covered his bare back with the blanket and his head lifted, his eyes on me with surprise until he slowly gave in. He turned to me, his expression soften, eyes teary while I wrapped the blanket around his shoulders, his bare chest so that no skin was exposed anymore.

It hurt to see him like this, it hurt to see him so exhausted, so broken.

I took my hands off, smiled a little and whispered again: “It's okay. I'm here.”

A sob and then he leaned his head down in my shoulder. I froze, heard his sobbing, felt how he shivered and then, slowly I put my arms around him, held him close and safe.

“He... he was disgusting,” Kurt whispered and I felt helpless, still.

“He's gone. He won't come back.”

If I ever saw this guy again – but I wouldn't because I couldn't remember his face – I had hit him so bad that he wouldn't remember why I hit him. It wouldn't change anything, I knew that, but it hurt me, it hurt Kurt what he did and I couldn't help myself and wish all the bad on this world for that asshole.

“Come, sit down.”

We went to his bed, my arm still around his shoulders and we both sat down, while the door flung open and Francis was there and turned the light on.

“Kurt! You okay?”

Kurt looked up, nodded slowly and wiped his tears away. He was far from okay, just one look on his face and everyone would see that he wasn't okay.

“Should I go for Roxanne? She already knows what happened but you know what...”

“It's okay, thank you Francis,” Kurt cut him off and he nodded.

“You need anything?” but Kurt shook his head and then Francis looked at me, pointing with his head to the door that I should leave as well. One last time I looked at Kurt, his exhausted expression, his messed up hair – which used to be so perfectly styled – and just because I knew, no one and nothing could happen tonight again, I found the will to stand up. Our eyes met and I smiled as I turned around and wanted to go but he grabbed my hand with his, cold and slightly shaking.

“Can... can you stay? Can he?”

First we looked at each other, then Kurt moved his eyes to Francis and I did the same. Oh God... this wasn't happening. What should I do? I didn't know how to help him.

“Sure. Got it.”

Francis stared at me and I wanted to shake my head, to say no, take me with you but he just closed the door and we were alone, again. The courage I felt minutes ago was gone and left was this nervousness, this feeling of being helpless because I wanted to help, but how?

“I... can I do... something?” Even if I sounded like the stupidest person on this world, I needed to ask this. Kurt let off of my hand, crawled on his bed and fixed the pillows. I helped him, fixed the blankets and heard him still sobbing.

“Just... stay here and tell me one of those stupid love stories, you like so much.”

My smile returned although nothing was okay, but it would be, I was sure about that.

“Sure.”

Kurt laid down, his head sinking into the white, soft pillow and left enough space for me on the left side of the canopy bed. I took my shoes of, my suit jacket and covered his body with another blanket. He held the other one, I wrapped around him before, like it was his lifeline and all I wanted to do was, to take care of him until he was okay again. His blue eyes, still watery, were watching me and I climbed into the bed, sat down, legs crossed and facing him. Oh no, I wouldn't lay down, not after what happened and maybe scare him. Because I didn't know what happened, he only said the guy was disgusting so my imagination could produce anything.

“Shall I leave as soon as you fall asleep?”

“No,” he breathed and reached for my hand again. God, his hand was so cold, so fragile, like someone sucked the warmth out of his body. “Just... stay here and... tell me this stupid story so I'll forget what happened.”

“But... Roxanne?”

“It's fine.”

I sighed, squeezed his hand, wiped his tears away with my free hand and then, slowly – because I wasn't sure if it was okay and also if I wouldn't scare him or whatever – laid down next to him.

“Many years ago there was a man and a woman, both deeply in love. They had a son together and lived happily together,” I told him in almost a whisper: “They were happy for eight years until his wife suddenly left and was nowhere to be found.”

“I thought it's a love story?” he mumbled and I laughed quietly.

“It is, just wait.”

He snuggled closer, still holding my hand, his lips and nose against my shoulder and I felt his breath there: “I hope that.”

I turned around, on my side to face him, placing my other hand over our holding hands and he – I swallowed hoping he didn't noticed it – entwined our fingers.

Whatever it was that made him do that, whatever he needed I would give it to him, no matter what it did to me. So I kept on talking as he stayed as close as before.

“And they were looking for her, waiting but she never came back. The father still full of hope but the son wasn't sure about it. And years later his father found her. An evil witch put her under a spell.”

I heard his even breath, felt it warm, falling against my shoulder and saw his eyes were closed.

“And because of their love, he broke the spell and they were happy again.”

 


	5. Dreams

 

Chapter 5. Dreams

 

It wasn't strange at all, not for me. I never fell in love with a boy, I never slept like this next to a boy, holding his hand, giving him comfort and watching him with peace. Yes I felt peace, I felt this wonderful warmth inside my heart, I felt like I wanted to be here forever and never leave. Feeling something like this, feeling this 'coming home' was never so clear for me like at this very moment. That's why it wasn't strange for me. And for the first time since I started to work here, I could watch him without being afraid someone might watch me and judge me or even worse, find out that I loved this young man. No one should know this. I sighed quietly while I watched him sleeping, still holding his hand because he never let it go. While he slept I kept myself awake most of the time. This was maybe the only chance to really be this close to him and get a close sight to him and his beauty just made me breathless. His warm brown hair, his fluttering eyelashes, skin pure and smooth like porcelain, lips, so pink, so kissable. Just everything I saw couldn't be this beautiful, it couldn't be real. But he was real, his whole graceful being was real. How could one human being do this to me? How could this be legal and not a sin? I sighed, repressed the want to touch his cheek, to ran my hand through his hair because he'd been through enough some hours ago. It wasn't right and it wasn't allowed to touch someone at such a vulnerable moment. He trusted me, or I believed he did because he let me be here and I didn't want to screw it up because, maybe, just maybe it all started right now.

Kurt eyes were moving behind his eyelids and then, slowly he opened them and the beautiful blue orbs made my mind blank. There was the sky, there was the ocean and the stars. There was so much I would never understand but I wanted to drown in those eyes.

He stared at me, looked down to our entwined hands and his face fell, like he was remembering why we were like we were.

I was nervous, he always made me nervous so I said nothing, even as he let off of my hand I said nothing.

Kurt moved away, stood up and kept the blanket around himself. I sat up, watched him as he moved to his closet and pulled out a black shirt. My heart was running, I immediately missed his warmth against me, missed watching him so close.

“You... are you okay?” I found the courage to ask.

“Yeah, sure. It wasn't the first time,” he said it like it was nothing to worry about, calm, like it was totally obvious. My eyes were watching him, my bottom lip caught between my teeth and a strange feeling crawled up my spine. It was cold, dark... I was insecure.

“But last night you...”

“What about last night?”

He cut me off, threw the blanket on the bed, turned around so that I could only see his bare back before the shirt was covering his skin.

I said nothing, I didn't want to say, what I thought because the truth scared me. Because I knew this was probably just my wishful thinking. But still he cried in front of me, he searched my comfort, he wanted me to stay here. It was him, not me so how could I not hope?

“You... your were crying and you... you wanted me to stay.”

He turned around to gaze at me, shirt buttoned up and there was no smile on his face, no shine in his eyes, just a calm expression.

“Maybe I was just nice to you.”

“Nice?” I almost laughed but there was nothing funny about it. He went to his mirror, did his hair and I stood up, my legs shaking.

“But... you were...”

“Blaine,” he said with patience: “It's called acting. I'm sorry that you maybe have an obsession with me or whatever, but this is my job. I have to wear the mask they want to see.”

He was lying, I told myself that he was lying because his tears were too real and Kurt seemed to be this kind of a person, who never showed how he really felt. Why would he lie to me and let me stay? Why would he do that and take nothing for it? No money, nothing?

“Look, Blaine. We have rules here and you know them. And love is no part of my life, even without the rules,” he smiled at me sweetly: “This was me being nice and giving you something you usually have to pay for.”

“Yeah... yeah how silly of me.”

I didn't believe him.

 

* * *

Roxanne left and suddenly everything changed. They all were happier, calmer and I even saw some people kissing, cuddling. And this was only possible because my mother wasn't there. For sure she knew about that but I thought, as long as she didn't see it she would act like she didn't knew it. She wasn't stupid. And while everyone seemed to be happy and enjoying the absents of my mother I was anything but happy. I wasn't sad either, I was just... I missed my father. He knew so much about love, he had always an answer when it was about love and I really wished he would be there with me. This helplessness made me sick and if I didn't have to be in the nightclub for practice or preparing anything for the play I stayed in my room or in the huge garden, which was part of the nightclub. It was spring, it was mid-April and everything was green and everywhere were flowers, along the walls, around the rivulet. Three days had passed since the last time I exchanged a word with Kurt. He couldn't be so cruel and fool me, play with me. If I had paid him to do that, yeah, then maybe I would believe that. But so? No. There was no way he would let anybody this close to him without getting any money. I wanted to talk about that with Francis, or Claire but I just missed my father. He knew me, he knew so much about love and I wanted to ask him what I should do? I didn't want to be the silly, deeply in love guy and running after him like a love sick puppy. The thing was, I was a love sick puppy and I really wanted to follow him, to talk to him.

Someone knocked at my door while I sat at the window and saw Julia entering the room.

“Hey,” she smiled her green eyes focused on me.

“Hi,” I tried to smile as she closed the door, stepped closer and ran a hand through my curls. Both, she and Claire were really lovely to me. They always hugged me, kissed my cheek and treated me like I was their own son. And sometimes I realized what I missed in my childhood. The love of a mother, the way only a mother could be there for you. But it changed nothing. My real mother wasn't my mother anymore. She was my boss now and didn't know who I was.

“You are always here, Blaine. I remember hearing you talking about winning Kurt's heart?”

“It...” I sighed and hung my head: “It isn't that easy.”

I was hurt, I knew his words weren't true but it still hurt me. He said he was only nice to me, he basically said he only used me and I wondered if he had any idea what he was doing to me. I really wanted him, everything, my whole being missed his warmth but it hurt.

“You have to try harder Blaine,” my eyes moved back to her, she smiled: “I know Kurt since the first day he came to us. And believe me, he is watching you but you don't see it because you avoid looking at him.”

“I just don't know how. I've never been in love and if he doesn't like me, I can't force him to spent any time with me.”

She hunkered down, placed a hand on my arm and she still smiled at me. She smiled like my father used to smile when he was sure about something.

“He is only watching me because he doesn't like me or whatever.”

“Your mother is gone for two weeks or more now. You see how different everybody is without her, right?”

I nodded slowly.

“And this is your chance now. The rules basically don't exist while she is gone and the next time this will happen will be in August.”

Like a kicked puppy I looked at her and she caressed my cheek: “It will be fine.”

 

* * *

 

It was the first day of our play and so far everything went good. We musicians sat in the first floor, perfect view on the audience and the stage. It was a real contrast to the usual activities. There were people wearing pretty suits and dresses, jewelry, the higher class and sitting straight on their chairs enjoying the play. And then there were our actors, wearing ordinary clothes. Not much skin, not too much make up, just ordinary like each citizen. The last act was almost over and while I played my violin I watched them. Santana and Francis were the mother Elisa and her love Peter, Thomas (the other guardian I met when I spent the night with Kurt) was the jealous husband Louis and the sister Amber was played by a girl whose name I've forgotten Kurt was playing the son Benjamin and it was strange to see him like that. Supportive to his mother, doing everything so she could be with her love, while Kurt claimed he didn't believe in something like that. He was authentic, he was good and I was, again, insecure. Maybe he really could act that good? Of course he could, no doubts. But why did he want me to stay without asking for payment? He had debts, he did all this for money. It was just weird.

 

After the play, after the applause when everybody was gone I sat, alone, in the first floor, holding my violin and watching my friends hug each other on the stage. They praised each other, smiled and after one another they went backstage, to their rooms or to some other place. The play went well, better than expected and my mother would be contended. Yeah, everything was fine expect me and Kurt. Sighing I went down, smiled at Julia who went with the others while I walked upstairs to the top floor and went through the brown door. On the balcony I stared at the blue pavilion, saw the light was burning and swallowed as my heavy feet started to move along the dark balustrade. Julia was right, I had to try it, I had to try everything until Kurt would say it to me, straight, clearly that I should stop and then I would stop. But this kind of avoiding each other was too much for me and my mother was gone. This was my chance, right now and the next chance would come probably in August. I inhaled deeply, climbed up the balustrade – it was thick enough so I could stand on top of it – and placed my violin as I started to play. (*)

I was nervous, yes, but I needed to stay calm otherwise I could have fell. But it was worth it, I told myself.

He would hear it, then come out, seeing me standing here and he would listen, he would understand. I was sure of it and I didn't care if I acted like a silly, romantic idiot. Night, stars, a pavilion and me, wearing a suit, playing on the rooftop, I didn't care at all. It was worth it.

The door swung open and first Kurt looked annoyed, then surprised as he saw me and then in panic and worry. My answer to his reaction was a smirking face while I kept on playing.

“Are you crazy? Come down!” he hissed and stretched his arms out but was too afraid that he might be the one that could make me fall.

“Only when we can talk.”

There it was, this stubborn expression and he folded his arms before his chest. Fine, I could be stubborn too so I started to walk along the balustrade, not looking down because it was a real long way down. I wouldn't go down, not until he would say yes.

“Blaine! You'll fall! Come down for fucks sake!”

“And then we talk?”

Kurt said nothing, just stared at me, watching me while I kept on balancing and playing.

“God, fine! Just... come down.”

The grin on my face was so wide, my cheeks hurt and I finished the melody and jumped down. He sighed, then huffed then and gave me an angry look until we both went inside, I following him. I left my violin on an armchair and took my suit jacket off and left it there too. We were quiet, my smirk gone and Kurt didn't look at me. He was walking to his mirror, then to his canopy bed, sitting down on the edge of it. Again I felt like I was in a cloud, around as the blue sky and under us a wooden dark brown ground.

“You... were worried?” I asked even if it was stupid but this silence made me nervous again.

“You almost fell from the rooftop, Blaine. Of course I was worried. What were you even thinking?” he looked at me, still angry.

“I... I was playing for you,” I admitted because saying that I liked him, loved him felt wrong. Well I was more afraid he would laugh about it.

“Blaine, seriously. Your obsession is flattering and I believe each men or women would appreciate your action. But not me. I told you I don't...”

“I know what you've told me, Kurt,” I cut him off as he stood up and seemed to get furious: “I know that, okay? But I can't help myself. I never... never felt like this and I just... I needed to try it, okay?”

Our eyes met, his still angry, mine insecure and then, slowly he seemed to be exhausted, pulled his hair and shook his head. His body was tensed, his lower lip between his teeth and I felt sorry because I was the reason he looked so uncomfortable. There it went, my great idea to serenade for him and maybe touch his heart with my violin.

“I wish you never came into this nightclub,” he said quietly.

I held my breath as I heard his words. I felt my heart stop for some seconds and my mind was blank. This cold shock, this hurt ran through my body and slowly crawled into my heart. Was it too much? Did he really hate me? Sure, how could I ever think he would like me. Me a simple violinist, not graceful, not as beautiful as he was, just some ordinary guy you saw on the streets, everyday. Was this the truth? Was this the feeling of a broken heart? Falling down and waiting for the painful crash?

Kurt groaned, rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger and turned around, facing his bed.

“If you can't stand me, if you really don't want me here I'll go, just say so and I will leave this nightclub.”

“What?” he turned around, his eyes wide this time and he knew what I was saying. He knew if I would do this I would break the rules and my mother would probably kill me. But I didn't care. If he really hated me I would go to my mother, tell her the truth, try to change her and then I would leave, alive or death. Right now it wasn't important for me, right now I was disgusted by my own words, right now, I was just selfish.

“I'm... I'm sorry. But if …. if you really want me to go, I'll leave. I won't bother you again. I understand that I am just some guy for you, with a obsession because you are you. You probably met enough idiots like me. I just...” I just wanted a chance. A small chance to show him that he was wrong, that love was wonderful, that he didn't had to sell his body to pay his debts. I would help him, I would pay his debts and then I would change this nightclub and we could be free, go, live. But the words never left my mouth. In fact I was staring at my feet and wanted to disappear. He probably felt pity for me.

“No... I don't want you to, but I wish I did.”

I looked up while Kurt sat down again and rubbed his face, ran his hands through his chestnut hair and his blue eyes were glistening. Was he...wanted he about to cry? I didn't dare to move, so I stood there, half under the pavilion half inside the room and my eyes on him.

“I don't understand, Kurt. I...”

“Exactly, you don't understand,” he interrupted me and we were staring at each other. His cheeks were red, his eyes too and all I wanted was to wrap my arms around his body and give him some comfort. The same comfort I gave him this one special night.

“You just step into my life, talk about love and how important it is. You make those big eyes and smile because you truly believe in what you are saying. And you know the rules, you know what is going on here, but you don't understand, Blaine. You just keep on doing this.”

I didn't know where it came from but the hurt slowly faded and I found the courage to move, to step closer, while Kurt sunk his head and bit his bottom lip.

“I'm sorry, Kurt,” I said while I hunkered down to look into his eyes. They were watery, deep blue and searching for help, right in my eyes.

We just stared at each other, both silent and I really tried to understand what he was saying. I just saw the tear running down his cheek and wiped it away with my thumb. Gosh, why did he always looked so beautiful no matter what he was doing?

“You don't understand, don't you?”

“I understand that you are crying because of something I did.”

And this was something I never ever wanted to do. To hurt him.

“This is my life, Blaine. I thought I would keep on doing this until I payed all my debts. And then, one day someone would buy me free and I would fly away. But you just,” he sobbed and inhaled a shaking breath: “came here and...and all I wanted to do was to stop what I was doing.”

“Stop doing, what?” I asked slowly because I never told him to stop anything.

“I thought you were oblivious, but now I know it.”

I perked my eyebrows up and still waited for a explanation. Everything sounded just awful the way he said it, like I wanted to ruin his life, like it was my job to do it, he made it sound like that but this was never my intention.

“I lied. I wasn't acting. I wanted you to stay. But I'm scared. I'm so scared I wish you would just go, I wish you never came here. But you are here, your words never left me for three months and this is bad. This is really bad for me. I have debts, I have a job that pays my debts and I strongly believed that love was nothing I needed. For all the years. And then you were there and all I wanted was to be with you but...” he sobbed again and said nothing. He didn't have to say anything because I understood it. He wasn't acting, he didn't hate me, he wanted what I wanted but he knew the rules. Kurt lived far more longer here than I did and he probably saw more people breaking the rules than I was aware of. I only knew about Jean and I didn't even saw it. Kurt saw it, Kurt was here and he lived by her rules for five years and never thought about breaking the rules. He only wanted to pay his debts, he wanted to have some kind of freedom, one less burden.

“Don't be scared,” I whispered and pulled him into a tight embrace: “I'm here, I'll help you. We'll pay your debts and then we'll be free.”

“She'll kill you, we can't... we don't even know if this will last. What if this is nothing and we just think it is something?”

His voice was shaking, high and his hands held my arms so strong that it almost hurt. The tears were flowing into my shirt, warm and wet I could feel them on my shoulder through the fabric. No, he couldn't believe that because deep down I knew it wasn't true. These feelings between us meant something, something so big I couldn't put it into words, but I felt it. Right there inside my heart I felt it that this was something. I pulled back from his shaking, cold body and faced him, my hands on his cheeks. Watery eyes, flushed cheeks and even if he was still beautiful it hurt me to see him like that. Scared, sad and lost. His usual life was over as I stepped into his life. And the same happened to me the first time I saw him. No, this was something special, I was absolutely sure about it. One last time I wiped his tears away, smiled and slowly his shoulders fell, he calmed down and then I kissed him gently. It was wet, warm and soft also salty because of the tears but, God, it felt better than I ever expected. The second I felt his lips against mine, felt how he kissed me back I took a deep breath through my nose and enjoyed my blood running through my veins, enjoyed this strong feeling that made me shiver. There I was, flying, feeling so much I couldn't pin point where it began, I couldn't say what it was but it made me dizzy, my mind was silent and my body filled with so much warmth and happiness. This was right, this was something big and all I wanted was to keep this, to stay here and never ever let go.

I pulled back after some seconds, noticed how he stopped crying, sobbed one last time and I just smiled.

“Does this feel like nothing?”

He blinked his eyes clear, deep blue watching my face and then his arms slipped around my neck, his cheek against my shoulder as he breathed: “No.”

And all I did was holding him close, giving him comfort, safety and tried to show him that I was really serious about everything I said.

“I figure something out. I promise.”

 

 

 

 


	6. Paradies

 

Chapter 6. Paradise

 

He said he was fine, when I asked him if I should stay for the night. I asked him if he needed anything and he said just one more kiss and then all he wanted was to sleep. He wanted some time to think and when he saw my confused, worried eyes, he just smiled and touched my cheek gently. He said there was no need to worry, no need to be confused, he just needed some time to think but he wanted me. He wanted to be with me but this was all new for him, like for myself. I nodded, kissed him one last time and left his room. Leaving him alone like this, eyes still red, clearly scared about what we wanted to do, to be and the many things that were against this, left an uncomfortable feeling inside me. I couldn't tell what I felt, what it exactly was, but it bothered me and I couldn't really sleep when I was back in my room and lay on my bed.

There were these terrible rules and my mother who would probably kill me - or him, or both of us - if she ever found out what was about to happen. We didn't say we were together, we agreed on nothing, we just knew, that whatever we felt for each other was big. So big, that no matter how hard I fought against it, I was too weak. But honestly, I didn't want to do anything against what I felt for him. There was nothing wrong with love; there was nothing wrong with two people loving each other. Although Kurt said nothing about what he felt for me, he said he wanted to be with me. And that scared the hell out of him. What exactly scared him was still not clear for me but I would ask. And I needed to talk with Francis.

After some hours of sleep I went down to the basement were Francis and Philipp were laughing about something and sitting at the long wooden table, while Claire brewed some coffee. I enjoyed the smell of coffee and then I saw Francis grinning and Philipp raised his eyebrows, looking at me with a significant smile.

“Stop looking at me like that,” I said, but couldn't stop the wide smile which started spreading on my face. There were still things to figure out between me and Kurt but for now I was happy. I made a step forward.

“So things went good?” Claire asked and gave each of us a mug of coffee.

“Kind of. I just need to figure some stuff out and Kurt too.”

“So you want to try it?” Philipp asked after he took a sip of his coffee.

“I think yes, but I don't know. Kurt wanted to think about it.”

They smiled at me, encouraged me and I didn't know why I deserved these people as friends but I was more than grateful to have them. They started to talk about the play, about how Philipp wanted to change some dance moves and how Maurice said he had an awesome idea for a song but didn't know if they could use it in their play. Claire told me that I should meet him later because he wanted my opinion about it.

After an hour the groggy feeling faded and I looked at Francis, while Philipp left and Claire went to the town to buy something for dinner.

“No details, Blaine?” Francis asked and his blue eyes were sparkling at me. Slowly I shook my head and stared into my mug.

“I need to ask you something... personal. About Jean.”

His smile vanished and he nodded slowly, while his eyes were watching me.

“I wondered, and don't get me wrong, but I wondered why only Jean had been killed. I mean you both broke the rules and I know, killing him is a punishment for you but...”

“Why only him.”

He finished my sentence and all I did was nodding. Asking this, something that for sure still hurt him and would forever hurt him made me feel like a bad guy. Opening wounds, forcing memories back to the surface of a time he would never get back again was something I didn't want to do. But I needed to know why she only killed Jean. Kurt was scared that it could happen to him, to me, to us if we agreed on going any further, making this more serious. And to keep him safe, to make sure something like this would never happen to him, I needed to know everything.

“Roxanne thinks practical. I've been far much longer in the nightclub and I'm the number one guardian here. Losing me would have been a bigger loss for her than losing Jean. As long as she doesn't see me breaking the rules she wouldn't do anything. Jean's mistake was to tell her what he did and also that his role wasn't as important as mine. And he never told her that it was me, he was in love with, but I'm sure she knew it.”

For some seconds I said nothing.

“That means Kurt would be safe, right?”

“Basically, yes,” I was glad he didn't try to lie to me: “It was always like this. Jean wasn't the first one who got killed and we all knew she was serious. So we all made sure she wouldn't know if someone was breaking the rules. Jean was just stupid and I was totally mad with him.”

Francis ruffled his hair, groaned and shook his head.

“I'm sorry, Francis.”

“No, it's fine, really. It hurts, of course, but I can't change it.”

“That's true, and I understand that. Although I knew my father was about to die, it still hurts. I really miss him sometimes.”

I missed his words, his confidence that things would turn out good. He gave me this confidence but sometimes I didn't feel strong enough to keep this confidence alive.

“Did you tell Kurt all about it?”

“No. I don't want to put him into more trouble, we haven't agreed on anything yet. He wanted to think about everything and maybe he'll say he doesn't want to try it. I’ve tried everything, now it's up to him.”

“And about your mother?”

This was something I kept out of my mind. I promised them I would talk to my mother as soon as I figured her out. But all I was focused on was Kurt and I felt guilty.

“I'm sorry. I was so crazy about Kurt and I still am.”

“Blaine,” Francis laughed and patted my back a bit too hard: “Don't worry. You are a free person, you can do whatever you want. And I understand that you need time. I mean the last time you saw her was fourteen years ago, you were a little kid and had a totally different memory of your mother. And you are in love for the first time under really... bad circumstances. We'll support you.”

“You are all way too nice to me,” my smile faded, the guilt I felt was written all over my face and I looked at him: “I keep my promise. I will. There are still two weeks left where I can make this between me and Kurt clear. And then I'll do what I've promised.”

“Listen, Blaine. We know you don't like your mother and we'll understand it if you don't want to be close to her. It is a huge sacrifice of you to give up your freedom for us. Don't take it into your personal business, if...”

“It is personal, Francis,” I cut him off and we stared at each other for a while.

“It is personal. Not only because it is about my mother. But if things turn out well for me and Kurt it will be an even more personal thing for me. I love you guys, I don't want to see you living in a golden cage. The past four months were incredible and I see you as my family.”

When this happened, when I considered them as my family I didn't know, but they were.

I don’t know when I accepted them as my family, but they were now.

After my father died I had no one, absolutely no one. I've never felt lost or lonely before his death, because I knew what would happen and I was ready for it - but after I met Francis and Claire and then Philipp and Julia I noticed how lonely I was.

“And I want my family to be safe and I want to be with the person I love. Without hiding, without lies, without being scared to get killed just because I... love someone. So it is personal business. I won't let her do anything to you, or Claire or anybody else. I won't let her take away the person I love. If I can change that, if I can do anything to make things better, I will. I'm her son and she will listen as soon as I figure out the best way to talk to her.”

His eyes were glassy, his smile watery and then he hugged me. There were no words needed. None at all. I knew they were counting on me, I knew they put all their hope on my shoulders and I was fine with that.

 

* * *

 

After dinner I went to my room because I wanted to stay away from Kurt and give him the space he needed. Luckily Maurice came to me and told me about how they wanted to create a new song and a special performance for the 10 minutes break which happened during our play. We didn't need it for now, but he wanted to have something special for the summer, when my mother would leave us again. This distraction was totally welcomed and I played on my violin; hopefully I would come up with something. There were no quiet notes, no happy notes, more dramatic parts and it was no surprise for me. This place made it really hard to think not in a dramatic way. Without my mother everybody was calm and happy and when she was here we were all a bit tense, something I'd never noticed before. I wished I would be calm but I wasn't, because I wondered how long it would take Kurt to come to any useful conclusion. There were only two weeks left and then our little freedom would be gone for another three months. I couldn't just go to him whenever I wanted to, or watch him, anything. The possibility that my mother would notice something suspicious was far too high and could put us into real danger. And Kurt was scared and he had his debts to pay off and his... job. I understood that a courtesan was a higher class than a prostitute, so Kurt had some influence about what he wanted to do with his customers. Also my mother had a say in that matter and as far as I knew – or what I believed to know – they were really picky when it was about Kurt's and Santana's customers. Even if this was true, it didn't matter. In the end there was someone, touching Kurt, get touched by him, kissed or even had sex with him and it made me my blood boil. While the high notes crawled into my ear and I moved my bow over the strings, my mind was spinning. Hands touching him, unknown faces kissing his lips, whispering words into Kurt's ear... I was playing faster, felt the strings vibrating, felt how my hands began to hurt, more pictures popped up in my mind and then a painful strike ran through my body. My violin fell down, followed by my bow and I pressed my hand against my face while I breathed rapidly, like I couldn't get enough air into my lungs.

“Fuck,” I growled, sat down on my bed and rubbed my face.

 

* * *

 

At sunset I was still sitting on my bed, in my light orange colored room, sheets of paper laying on the floor with notes on them and watched the sky through my window. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't thirsty I just tried to figure out how I should deal with Kurt's job. I never thought too much about Kurt's job. I wasn't stupid, I knew he was an actor, a singer and he got paid for his performance but he also sold his body to pay off his depts… and I still didn’t even know why he got them in the first place. I gave him my promise to help him, to pay his debts and that I would figure something out. But there was absolutely no way he could stop sleeping – or whatever he was doing – with other men. This would have been really suspicious and my mother would catch us before I was able to do anything. My lips were pressed together as I imagined Kurt with any other man, touching him, doing things to him to give his customer a good time. He, probably naked, letting a stranger touch him, kiss him or whatever the other man wanted from him... Only the image made me angry, made my blood boil and hurt so bad that I more and more understood why Kurt didn't believed in happy endings. It was no surprise under those circumstances. The anger I felt for all the men that had been touching him, turned into anger against myself. Kurt was right, I stepped into his life, talked about love and how wonderful it is, talked about how beautiful he is and that he didn't need to sell his body – acting would be enough – without knowing a thing about his life. Without caring about how he could pay off his debts. I only wanted him for myself. What if I could help him at all?

I groaned low and rubbed my tired eyes. Since when did I think this way? Never. I just knew nothing about Kurt and my mother. I knew nothing about what he was doing behind his door, or what he agreed to do with my mother or why he had his debts. I knew nothing and it made me crazy. Why did I never asked him?

“Are you okay?”

I heard his voice, jerked my head to the door and as soon as I saw him I forgot everything. There he stood, leaning against the door frame, wearing a light blue shirt which made his eyes even more blue, dark tight pants and a smile on his face.

“Yes... I was just thinking.”

“Must be something unpleasant, if it makes you look like you have a headache.”

He went inside, closed the door behind him and I shuffled to the right side so he could sit next to me. I folded my legs, watching him as he leaned against the headboard and entwined his fingers, placing them on his belly.

“I was thinking about what you said to me and... I'm sorry, Kurt. I know nothing about your life, your past or why you are here. I just... I really never felt like this before and all I wanted to do was to... figure this out, what this is and... make you happy, I think.”

Whatever I did, whatever I said to him, my intentions were all good. In my head it was all perfect, easy, but now I saw how much I didn't know… Ignoring, if what I wanted was good for him or for anybody else.

“You've changed your mind?” he asked me, his clear, wonderful voice calm.

“No. I just... I like you, really, I do. But I know nothing about you, your debts, why you are here and I'm just sorry if I hurt you. But I couldn't help myself. You mean so much to me that no matter what happens, I’ll stay to what I said and I'll figure something out.”

He nodded slowly, his eyes went down to his hands and we both were silent for some seconds.

“I'm sorry too... for all the things I've said to you.”

“You don’t have to. You have your reasons and you told me you are scared and I get that.”

“Yes, I am. But I've been thinking about all this too.”

He leaned forward, our knees almost touching and while I watched him, his eyes focused on the sheets I felt my heart started racing again.

“Like you, I've never felt anything like this before and I met a lot of... men. And we have these rules and you know what happens if someone breaks these.”

“Nothing will happen to you, Kurt. Absolutely nothing.”

No, if someone got killed it would be me. I was just a simple violinist, almost four months here and Kurt was the star, the blue diamond and everyone wanted to see him and get the chance to be alone with him. He was the one who brought a lot of money into this nightclub and I was the one who could be easily replaced. He was the queen of the chessboard, while I was only a replaceable pawn.

“This isn't only about me or you.” he sighed, took my hand and squeezed it lightly: “It's about us. If we start with... an us.”

My smile came back and I watched our hands, how perfectly they fitted together, how beautiful they looked together. Even I felt beautiful when I saw this, because someone like Kurt wanted me.

“I want an us, Kurt. I really want this.”

“What about me being a courtesan? You know what I do, right?”

“Sleeping with... other men?” yeah, I questioned. Not that I didn't understand what a courtesan was doing, but maybe he was doing different stuff or I was just naive.

“Not always. Some just want to see me naked and some just want to be touched. In the end it depends on how much they pay for me.”

I caressed his knuckles with my thumb, felt the soft warm skin which made me feel like I was touching sparks and kept on listened to his words. Men paid for his service, and they had to pay a high price for him, I was sure of that. Still, no matter how much they paid, no matter how much they wanted him, no one could ever pay for his love. Love wasn't something someone could buy. Love happened, suddenly and either you got love in return or not.

“You know I can't stop doing that?”

“I know...” it made me sick. Imagining that – again – other men will touch him, kiss him, sleep with him made me sick but I knew there was no way he could stop it: “And I'll deal with that until we are free.”

“You really believe we can make it that far? I mean sure, there is something between us, some feelings we can't deny and I'm willing to figure it out. It's just, this nightclub isn't the perfect place for... love. It's more like you are aware of that the drink they give you might be poison, but you drink it anyway and know it could kill you.”

“Love is always worth a try.” I smiled and looked into his blue eyes.

“I could be playing with you.”

“No. You wont.” I shook my head, he smiled and I knew he would never do this.

“What if I want you to pay?”

“You wouldn't want that and me neither.”

“And what if it doesn't work out?” Kurt leaned back, squeezing my hand and I smiled, almost grinning.

“Even if it doesn't work out, it's worth it. One day in the name of love. One day we can be who we really are. One happy day, we will always remember and hope it will happen again. One day with the person who makes your life so wonderful, you didn't even know it was possible.”

Kurt smiled at me and was looking like I was telling him some stupid stuff and I was grinning.

“One day paradise. Our own, personal paradise.”

My honey eyes moved down to our hands, caressing the back of Kurt's hand until I felt him squeezing my hand again and slowly I moved my eyes back to his face.

“You and your silly romantic words.”

“Yeah,” I chuckled: “It might be silly, but at least I'm honest.”

“I like that, you being silly. And... I like you.”

My smile faded and I blushed a little bit. It was still so unreal for me that someone like Kurt would like me, would let me hold his hand and let me kiss him. Let me show him in what I believed, even if he doesn’t. That's why I moved closer, on my knees and my hands held me up from the bed – so I wouldn't lay on him – and bent down to him when I was above. We both closed our eyes; my heart was beating too fast and in the moment I felt his lips on mine all I noticed was Kurt. His breath, his soft lips, his warmth and as he placed his hands gently on my cheeks to pull me closer, I hummed happily and he smiled into the kiss.

 

* * *

 

When it was already dark outside we were just laying on my bed, completely clothed. Some candles were burning on my desk and the nightstand behind the bed and all we did in the past hours was kissing, getting comfortable and caressing our arms, faces, cuddling and smiling. We just explored what wasn't hidden by clothes. No matter which part of skin I've touched it was always soft, warm and so beautiful that I felt the urge to keep him here, forever, and never let him go and let him do what he had to. For now I had him close to me, touching his cheek and sinking deeper and deeper into those blue eyes.

“I've never done this before.” he whispered as our faces were close, resting on my pillow.

“What?”

“Just laying, being gentle and happy. That's not what my customers want.”

I kissed him again, trying to let those thoughts and memories fade away and he smiled at me like he knew what I was trying to do. My hand moved down to his shoulder, while the other one ran through his smooth hair and I tried not to blink because I wanted to burn this picture into my memory. Kurt moved closer, nuzzling against my neck and fumbled lazily with the hem of my shirt.

“I'll give you this as many times as you want,” I murmured against his forehead and felt his smile against my neck. If someone had told me four months ago that I would lay here, with Kurt, the blue diamond and the most beautiful human being, I would have laughed.

“Blaine?”

“Hm?”

“You don't have to help me pay my debts.”

“But I want to. Like I said, I figure something out… and this is something I can do.”

I breathed his scent in, while the question I had inside my head since the first day he told me about his debts came back. My fingers were still running gently through his hair, my lips pressed another kiss on his forehead and then I asked, even though I wanted to enjoy this carefree moment a bit longer.

“Did you came here because of your debts?”

“No... I made them when I got here.” and he snuggled closer, searching for my proximity and I wrapped my arm around his back and held him close.

“You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to.”

“It's okay,” he kissed my neck, sighed and rested against it: “Roxanne bought me when I was seventeen. My parents died long ago and I was living with my aunt and uncle. We came along but the money she gave them for me was enough, so they didn't care if I was with them or not. And they needed the money. First I was a sewer, like Julia, and as Roxanne owned the nightclub everything changed slowly. There were no rules but she wanted this special show, only for men and women. And since she knew I was into men and Santana into women we both became prostitutes. I was still a virgin, inexperienced and didn't want to do what she wanted me to do. But where should I go? I had no place to go and living on the streets scared me.”

While he spoke, while the hate I felt for my mother grew more and more, I remained silent and drew comforting circles over his back.

“The first months were terrible for me. The customers came but I couldn't do what they wanted. Most of the time I ended up crying and the more customers I'd rejected, the more debts I made. And I had a lot of customers. Sometimes five at one night, never at the same time but one after another. It took me almost a year until I accepted what I should do and didn't wanted to have more debts. But I made them anyway. Some men were just disgusting and I rejected them. Then, one day, I met this guy, Raul. Charming, beautiful and I lost my virginity to him. I was nineteen, silly and after two weeks he disappeared with not just my money, but also with Roxanne’s, what meant I had even more debts together with those I already had.”

I couldn't deny that hearing how he lost his virginity to a guy who only wanted to steal his money hurt me and made me angry. First he lost his parents, was raised up by people who didn't really cared about him and then he was pulled into a role he never wanted to play. At that moment I understood why he was against everything I said to him. Why it was hard for him to believe in what I believed.

“After what happened with Raul, I told myself love was stupid, love was wrong and I knew rejecting the customers and hoping for something like fortune or fate, for someone who would safe me and give me a different, better life was stupid. It wouldn't change anything. I accepted my life, believed this was the way it should be. Roxanne and I became friends after that, she saw how hard I refined myself and I became the blue diamond. Everything went good and after she made these rules I was fine with that. I didn't want love, I needed no freedom and jealousy was never something I had to be worried about.”

It was clear, everything. I was raised up by my father, the man who believed that love was the greatest thing on earth, the man who gave me everything just to make me happy. Who tried to be a mother and a father at the same time, and I admired him. Kurt never had that, in fact he only met one guy who was lying, wearing a mask and he learned from him, because acting and rejecting everything that wasn't allowed made this life easier at this place.

“And then you came here and I remembered everything I dreamed of,” he moved back so that he could look into my eyes: “You made those big eyes,” he caressed my eyebrow: “because everything was new for you. And you smiled so bright like you have nothing to be worried about,” his soft fingers were on my cheek and I gave him that smile: “You've played your violin, everybody could talk to you, laugh with you and all I wanted was to stop what I'm supposed to do and be with you. I wanted to dream my dream again.”

“What is your dream?”

“Become an actor, go to America and have a life without being worried about debts or not enough money.”

I inhaled, smiled broadly and wrapped both arms around him, pulling Kurt closer so our knees were touching, his hands on my chest and then I let my breath out: “Me too. Well, not to be an actor, but going to America, become a violinist and maybe write some plays. I think we did a good job. But we have to work on this 'happy ending' stuff.”

He rolled his beautiful blue eyes, chuckled and I smiled back. It was so much better to see him like this, calm, not pretending and relaxed.

“One day we'll fly away. I'll help you to pay your debts and buy you free, like you dreamed about it.”

“And who'll buy you free? It's not like you can just leave this place.”

“Don't worry. There are reasons why I’m here… even though you were and are now a reason too.”

He frowned, stared into my eyes and tried to figure out what I meant. Right now wasn't the moment I could tell him about my mother, about my father and what I promised to do. Right now I only wanted to enjoy all of this, get to know him, make us comfortable enough, and, most importantly, that we could trust each other. Telling him what I wanted to do could scare him, because it was dangerous what I, Francis and the others were planning. No one could say that she would change, just because of me; she also could become furious and felt betrayed.

“But you'll tell me about it one day?”

“Of course. When you trust me and I trust you. I mean, I do trust you, but for now it's too dangerous and I still need to figure some things out.”

“Blaine, we are already into so much trouble, I think a bit more or less wouldn't change anything.”

“Maybe,” I whispered, kissed him again and finally he smiled back.

“First I want us to be comfortable, get to know each other better and then I'll tell you everything. I'm sure I will, but we only have two weeks left and I don't want to make you worry over me all the time. I just... want this before I have to share you.”

“Two weeks living in a bubble called paradise?”

“Sure. Even if it was just one day, one hour, I prefer to have at least one moment in paradise with you than never.”

Silence, shared glances and then he smiled, nodded and said: “I trust you.”

I knew we did this, in some way but we still had a long way to go.

“It's worth it,” I promised and we kissed again.

 

 

 


	7. Promise

Chapter 7. Promise

 

Santana was an honest person.

“Love-sick-dwarf.”

Sometimes she was rude but I knew she was also a close friend of Kurt.

“And bed-breaker-lady.”

And sometimes I didn't know if I should ignore her, laugh about her or be rude too.

“Hopefully you don't break your dwarf, Kurt,” she said and bit into an apple while we were in the basement of the nightclub, the place where the sewers were working and Julia and Santana fixed some costumes: “I hope you know that Kurt has some crazy kinks,” her dark eyes were looking at me. Julia and Santana were sitting on a chair before the long table and working – although Santana took a break – and Kurt was sitting on the table, sewing up a hole in a jacket. I stood before him, my hands on his thighs while I watched Santana and tried to understand her.

“I never broke a bed, Santana. Francis broke it because the customer was an idiot and didn't want to leave.”

“That doesn't change the fact, that you have some crazy kinks.”

“Don't listen to her,” he whispered into my ear and kissed my temple.

“I need some red fabric,” Julia smiled at her and Santana stood up, went to the other side of the room were all the different fabrics were. Silk, wool everything ordered in a huge shelf. No matter where I looked - there were costumes, skirts, suits and on the table were pins, cotton, everything a sewer needed.

“Don't get me wrong, Kurt. I am happy for you two, I mean without me you wouldn't even be with him. I just tell you what I see and what Roxanne could see if you both don't get your shit together,” she said, rolling her eyes and gave Julia the red fabric.

Kurt sighed, put the jacket – as he finished it – aside and I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him close. There were still eleven days left until my mother would return and then we had to stop being so clingy.

“We know that Santana,” Kurt snapped back at her and placed his hands on my arms.

“Let them enjoy the time they have,” Julia smiled at her and Santana glared at us, slightly annoyed.

“I just want to make sure that no one will get killed, because they can't hide their heart eyes. They are glowing like they were on fire and even if I try to ignore it, I can't.”

She threw the apple into a bin, straighten her red dress as she stood up and went to the dresses, hanging on a clothes rail.

“You talked to her about me?” I asked and pulled him closer, standing between his legs while his arms moved around my shoulders and he nodded slowly.

“Well, she knows me, we are working together for years and spent a lot of time together. Actually, she was the one who knew what was happening to me the first time I saw you.”

“Sooo... I should thank her?” I smirked and Kurt laughed quietly.

“Better not. Her ego is far too big and would get even bigger.”

He leaned down, smiling into the kiss and whenever we kissed, whenever we touched each other I felt this incredible warmth running through each part of my body. It was the greatest feeling I experienced so far and this addiction, this sin – like somebody would name it – was totally welcomed. I loved the electricity when we kissed, I loved the feeling of his soft skin under my fingers, when we were just laying together, when he spoke, laughed. Sometimes I really thought this was a long, beautiful dream and I wished I would never wake up again.

“Geez, hide your boners,” Santana said theatrically.

Sighing annoyed Kurt pulled back, while I placed a kiss on his cheek and he began to fix my collar.

“You should go. Maurice is waiting.”

“Ah,” I remembered: “You're right.” It took me a lot to take my hands off of Kurt and grab my violin.

“I see you later?” I asked and turned back to Kurt.

“I'll be waiting for you after the play and in your room, so we won't disturb Miss Grumpy.”

“You do realize I can hear you, Kurt?” she said and we both chuckled.

“One more kiss?” I asked with big eyes and stole three quick kisses from Kurt.

“Those were three, Blaine.”

“All good things come in three.”

 

* * *

 

After practice Maurice wanted to talk to me. First I thought he wanted to say something because of Kurt and me being together, because yeah, we were and everybody knew it. I really thought someone would say something against it, but no, most of the people were supportive. Sure some there were some sassy statements, some warned me because it was poison to be together with a courtesan and some even made bets how long we could be together. That was the way they were and I was used to this so I wasn't mad at some people. As long as no one harmed us or tried to do anything to separate us I shrugged their words off. While the other musicians went off the stage, laughing, talking and agreeing to drink something together Maurice took me aside.

“Listen, Blaine. Next weekend we want to make a surprise party for Claire. It's her 45th birthday and our last play will happen on this Saturday so there is enough time to prepare everything.”

“Oh! I didn't know it's her birthday soon.”

Maurice laughed hearty: “She tried everything so no one would remember it. Anyway. I need you to make sure she doesn't find out what we are planing. I know I've asked you to create a song and I know you and Kurt are totally in love and want to enjoy it, but I want this day to be perfect. You can even ask Kurt to help you.”

“Uhm... and you don't need anything else?”

“No. Everything is already planned I just need someone who will distract her on Saturday.”

“You can count on me... us.”

 

With a pleased smile Maurice left and so did I. Quickly I ran to the building next to the nightclub, opened the door and went upstairs. Sweaty, a bit exhausted I reached the top floor and opened the door to my room. Kurt was already there, sitting on my bed and there was also Claire laughing with him. As much as I loved Claire I really thought I would be alone with him. Because that's how it was. The only time we had alone was when we were sleeping. During the day he mainly helped Julia or was practicing for the play and I was practicing with the musicians or working on the song for the break. I knew it would only be like this until Saturday night but still, all I could think about was spending some time alone with him.

“Hey Claire,” I smiled and she smiled back and as I looked at Kurt my whole face lit up. Forgotten was my violin, my sweaty body and I took his face into my hands, gently and his smile made me weak: “Hey beautiful.”

He hummed happily into the kiss and chuckled as our lips broke off.

“I hope you'll be happy like this for a long time. Your wailing was terrible, like you were a baby in the body of a grown man,” she laughed and I blushed because she was right. I was wailing about how Kurt might hate me, how I could never ever be with him and sometimes I was worried I would piss them all off. Luckily they were patient with me or simply ignored me when I've been over dramatic.

“As long as he wants me you have nothing to worry about, Claire,” I said and kissed Kurt's forehead: “I take a quick shower and then I'll be back.” Kurt nodded and looked back to Claire like I did as I turned around and glared at her, moving my eyes to the door to make clear, she should be gone before I left. All she did was smirking, I blushed and left.

30 Minutes later, feeling much more presentable after the shower and wearing fresh clothes, I rubbed my hair dry with a towel and opened the door to my room. There was just Kurt, standing in the middle of the room and I felt even better because no one else was there.

“What are you doing?” I asked with a happy voice and closed the door behind me.

Slowly he turned his head back, smiling at me and I needed – like always – some seconds to realize that he was real, that he was really here and that because of me, because he wanted to be with me. Inhaling deeply to calm my heart down, which grew bigger and bigger and I took the towel off my head, leaving it on a chair.

“You left some notes on the floor and I am surprised. This is a pretty dramatic sound if I am right.”

“Well, we are living under pretty dramatic circumstances, aren't we?”

“Oh?” surprised he put the notes on my bed: “What happened to the guy believing in happy endings?

I walked up to him, smiling like an idiot and sighed pleased as my arms slid around his waist: “This guy still believes in happy endings and won't stop even if you think this is silly.”

“I already told you that I like your silly side,” he whispered, his hands resting on my chest while our eyes moved down to the others lips, back up and I leaned in to share a gentle kiss. After some seconds our forehands leaned against each other, eyes closed and I felt his fingertips gently wandering over my collarbone.

“I can't wait when it's Saturday. Our last play, no more work for a whole week and hopefully we get more time alone.”

Kurt just nodded slowly, his lower lip between his teeth like he tried to say nothing. He didn't have to say anything because I knew what he was thinking.

“Hey,” I said nuzzling my nose against his cheek and his blue eyes were looking into mine as I leaned back a bit: “I know that, when Roxanne will be back we won't spent a lot of time together, that we have to hide and be really careful. But we will still see each other and after three months we'll be free again... more or less. And maybe it's stupid to be so clingy until she comes back, but like I said, it's worth it, right?”

“It won't be easy.”

“We have friends, they'll help us. And we have us,” I tried to encourage him and myself too.

“Happy ending?”

I nodded and smiled. He didn't know about me being Roxanne's son, he didn't know what we wanted to do and for now I wouldn't tell him. Not because I didn't trust Kurt. I said nothing because I had no idea how to do it what I promised to do. As soon as my mother would be back I had to figure this out.

“So, what were you and Claire talking about?” I asked and needed to distract myself from my own thoughts and dragged Kurt by his hand with me on my bed.

“Actually about you and me,” he said as we both sat down, next to each other and leaning against the headboard: “And also that she and the others will help us. It's kind of reassuring to know, that we are not alone in this, not really. And she is really happy for us and to see me this happy.”

That was Kurt. He was never really vocal about how he felt during the week our relationship began. At the beginning he told me how he felt but after that he was reserved. I told him how beautiful he was, that I liked being close to him, liked him and his smile, all the time I said what I thought and his physical approach was enough for me to know, that he felt the same.

That's why I wasn't surprised that he said nothing else and just looked at me, reading my expression if I understood what he tried to say and squeezed his hand as an answer.

“I was thinking about your debts and I don't know how much you still have to pay off... but I have like twenty thousand francs.”

“You have... what?” he gazed at me with wide eyes: “Blaine... how?”

“I didn't steal it or anything,” I joked and saw how he calmed down slowly: “My father left the money for me, after he died, last year. I was surprised that he left so much. But I think he saved the money so I could go to America and live my dream.”

While talking about my father I smiled because of the memories I had about him. It still made me sad that he wasn't with me anymore, it still hurt sometimes because things got hard from time to time and all I wanted to do was talk to him, ask him what I should do. If it had happened suddenly I believed I wouldn't have accepted his death so easily. But it didn't happen suddenly, I knew it long before he died that he would leave me soon. That's why it was bearable, kind of. After my thoughts left me I noticed the silence and turned my head to Kurt, seeing his eyes filled with worry.

“Don't look at me like that, there is no need,” I squeezed his hand and he shuffled closer, his arm on my chest and his lips pressing a kiss on my shoulder as we were laying next to each other.

“What about your mother?”

“She... she left us when I was eight,” and I hoped he wouldn't ask anything else, because there was no way I could tell him the truth. He wouldn't tell anything to my mother, of course not but like I was always aware of, that someone could read my face, or Francis', Claire's and notice that something fishy was going on. Especially my mother with her eyes and ears everywhere but here.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered.   
“Nah,” I objected and caressed his arm with my thumb while his thumb did the same on my chest: “It's fine, really. Do I look like a heartbroken guy to you?”

“No,” he murmured and I pressed my lips against his temple: “But I don't want your money.”

“What?”

“Your dad left it for you, Blaine. He saved it so you could live your dream and do whatever you want. My debts are mine, it's my fault that I have them and I have to pay them off. I don't want you to give it to me and lose more and more.”

“Kurt,” I sighed slowly, nuzzling into his hair: “I've already told you that this is something I want to do and can do. And even if we weren't together I would do it anyway. Just take it, accept it that sometimes good things are happening to us out of nowhere. Eventually I want you to be happy and that makes me happy.”

It was as simple as that. No matter if he loved me back or not all I wanted was to make him happy, because it made me happy and I had the money, I was able to do something and I've never been a selfish person. Especially since I knew why he was here and why he had his debts it felt almost like I had to do this. Because my mother bought him, told him to become a prostitute although he wasn't ready or he didn't want to be one – I really hoped he wasn't forced to become a prostitute – he couldn't do it and made his debts. I wanted to ask him if he was forced, because he said he first didn't want to do it but he had no other place to go. But for now I wanted to keep this moment, I wanted to enjoy this and just feel him next to me, inhale his sweet smell. Like the color blue, like the morning, like Kurt.

But then, slowly, his hand let off of mine and he held himself up, his blue eyes looking into mine and his lips slightly open, like he wanted to say something. Silence.

“What?” I breathed with a smile and he moved closer, kissing me gently. Our kisses were always gentle, still a bit insecure but not this time. After some seconds he held himself up, with both hands and I was totally focused on his lips, his tongue asking for entrance that I didn't realized he was laying on me. Parting my lips I let him in, slid one of my hands into his hair to keep him close while I let my head sink into the pillow. It was hot, wet, all lips and tongues and just so perfect that I didn't care about anything else. There was heat crawling through my body, need for more, kissing like it would be our last kiss although it wasn't. There was desire, my head was dizzy, my lips wanted to melt with his, I wanted to be one with him and all this feelings I had were so new, so big they scared me sometimes. I never wanted to stop this, I never wanted to give this up. Forever, all I needed and wished to have was this, forever.

A high whimper escaped from his lips after he parted our lips to catch some breath, which we both needed. It didn't take long and we were kissing again, this time it was sloppy, needy and he moved again so that he was sitting on me, while his hands were unbuttoning my shirt.

“Kurt,” I murmured against his lips, trying to think but as I felt his hips against mine, felt that his half hard cock was against mine I almost lost myself. He kept on moving, we both moaning into our mouths while we kissed, heat growing mixed with arousal and crawling down to my cock. God, I wanted to, I wanted to share this with him but not now.

“Kurt, wait,” I almost pleaded and held his hips gently, stopping him from grinding. I inhaled deeply, trying to calm myself down, to not just buck my hips up and ask for more. One breath, a second and then, slowly I opened my eyes.

Our eyes met, his dark, glistening with arousal and as soon as I could caught any clear thought I saw the small hurt hidden in the deep blue.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered and his lips turned into a thin line.

“No... God no, Kurt. Don't be,” I felt something like panic, hurt because I saw the hurt in his eyes and all I did was sitting up, wrapping my arms around his body and held him close: “I want to do this, really.”

I couldn't think about anything else because, duh, I was still a young man with needs and whenever I thought about him I was horny. But actually being able to do this, knowing him and his story I didn't want it like this.

“But?” he asked, pulled back and locked our eyes, still insecure, still kind of hurt. Damn, why did it had to be like this right now?

“I'm not with you just because you look beautiful and because you are kind of famous. I don't want you because of your look. Like... all the others.” I prayed to whoever was above us, whoever heard my prayer that Kurt would understand what I was saying: “I want this to mean something, to do this when... when it feels right, you know? I don't know how it will feel like... but right now it doesn't feel right.”

He was sitting on my lap, his hands still on my chest and I took them into mine, holding them and trying to look into his eyes. But he ducked his head, said nothing and I didn't know what to say. I said what I was thinking and I meant it. Sleeping with Kurt was one of those things I wanted to do, of course. All I could think about was him calling mine, completely and know everything about him, from the outside and inside. It was just that we weren't there yet.

“I guess... I'm just used to this, you know? It's like something that happens out of a habit because it's my job for years now to... do stuff like that. Also you told me what happened with your family and what you want to do... for me... and I,” he swallowed and I saw how hard it was for him to tell me this. How hard it was for him to open his mind, his heart to me. “I...probably feel like I... I need to give you something for this but I don't have much. Only... myself.” We both made ourselves vulnerable whenever we said what we were feeling, thinking and the more we opened, the more it would hurt if something went wrong. But at the same time we created a bond, strong, only between us and it would be that one thing that would keep us together. No matter how far away he was, or how long or with whom. This would be the one thing no one could take away from us.

“It's also... new. All of this is new and everything I never wanted. But now I have it and I want to keep it.”

A warm smile spread on my face, caressing his knuckles with my thumbs and wetting my lips with my tongue – my mouth felt really dry after this small panic I've felt.

“Thank you,” I simply said.

“Thank you?” finally he looked at me, quizzically in the eye and I nodded slowly.

“For telling me this. I know it's not easy for you,” a beat: “And never... never ever feel like you have to do this... like what you usually do when you have a customer. I'm your boyfriend, you matter to me, like... a lot. And I would never want you to feel like you have to give me something or do something for me. Whatever we are doing we'll do it because we both want to. I think this is... the right thing to do because this is new for me too. And... giving me this, simply you, your honesty, your heart is enough. It's all I want.”

“For someone who claims this is all new to him, you seem to be pretty sure about how this works,” he whispered, smiling and I smiled back because I had to. Whenever he was smiling I had to smile too.

“It's just how I feel and it feels right.”

His hands moved away from mine just so he could wrap his arms around my neck and hold me close. My arms embraced him too, close, strong and he laughed: “You are really bad for this business.”

 

* * *

 

The week went by too fast and everything really seemed like a dream to me. We were together for more than two weeks now, but those were the best two weeks of my life. Especially the last week was just wonderful. There was no play, no work, just us enjoying the free time we had. Sure there were costumes to be flicked, rooms to be cleaned; shopping to be done but compared to the usual business it was like vacation. The time I hoped we would have alone really came. After helping Julia with the costumes or eating lunch and dinner together with the others we went to my room or his and sometimes I played for him on my violin, talked, read a book together or just were together. That was my favorite part when I was honest. Just lying there, sharing some kisses, watching each other, smiling and either I or Kurt would say something.

I really used this time to get to know him better and vice versa. Kurt told me how he wasn't forced to be a prostitute but that it was the best way to get a lot of money in a short time, which made me kind of calm because I was really expecting that he was forced to do this. Luckily that was not the case otherwise I don't know what I would have done to my mother. We also talked about his customers, about the things he usually did and I couldn't hide the fact that it made me sick. Imagining that someone else only needed to pay Kurt enough money and he would get something no one should share for money, but with the person you were in love... I didn't want to think about that because I couldn't stop Kurt from doing this. So I tried to find the good in the bad and the good thing was, he didn't have to do this like every night. He was expensive, the price for his service was high and this was everything that kept me sane.

Although everything was fine, we were fine, we knew each other better day by day, he still kept some distance between us and I understood that, I had to. At that moment it was enough that only I believed completely in us, that I gave everything while he tried to protect our hearts if everything would fall. For now it was enough.

 

* * *

 

“Happy Birthday!”, everybody cheered as we went into the theater, Claire standing before me and Kurt, her hands pressed on her mouth. Everybody was there, everything was decorated, there was a long table with food and drinks, rows with chairs and tables on the left side of the hall and right before the stage were our musicians standing. Everyone was smirking, happy and starring at Claire who turned around and giving me and Kurt a knowing look: “That's why you took me out. I knew something was suspicious!”

I laughed, Kurt giggled and I kissed her cheek as we walked pass her to the others. We started to sing together 'Happy Birthday', moved her nearly to tears and she just waved off and called us all idiots and how much she loved us. After that everyone gave her a present, wished her the best again and personally and then we all sat down to eat. Everyone was laughing, everyone was so calm and happy and I knew I would miss those weeks without my mother's claw behind our backs. Those past three weeks everyone could do and be who they really were. They could hold hands, they could kiss the person they loved, they didn't have to hide anything. It wasn't perfect, no, but it was better.

After an hour or so Maurice came to me, dragging me away from Kurt while he was feeding me – because I was my silly self and wanted him too while he just laughed and gave in – and giving me my violin. Oh yeah, I almost forgot what I still had to do and wanted to do.

“Guys! Guys!!”, Maurice yelled and everyone turned their eyes to us and their voices became quiet.

“It's time for the dance to celebrate our birthday girl!”

He turned around to me and the other musicians and nodded. (*)

As I started to play, I saw how Santana grabbed Claire's hands and dragged her to the middle of the hall. Slowly one after another stood up, began to jump, grabbing the hand of someone who still sat and walking up to Claire until they were a circle, dancing around her. First it was Santana who danced with Claire, then Francis holding her close and a bit to strong, with a big smile on his face swirling her around. They were clapping their hands whenever someone danced with Claire and then everyone was dancing while we kept on playing.

My eyes looked to the crowd until I found what I was looking for. I found the blue eyes, his breath taking smile and saw how he was dancing with Claire and it made me happy to see him with such a peace. I really wished it would be like this forever. Only us and the people around us, a group of actors, sewers and musicians running a theater. No rules, no secrets, no hiding. I really wished, while I played the last notes and in the end everyone was clapping, clapping at us musicians and Kurt was looking at me with a smile on his face, that we could live like that forever.

 

* * *

 

The party slowly ended after midnight, because we all knew my mother would be back around midday tomorrow and there were still some things need to be done. I was waiting for Kurt, sitting in front of the piano while the hall was almost empty. I said my good nights to my friends, saw them leaving the nightclub one after another and as soon as I was alone my eyes were stuck on the white and black keys right before me. My father always loved to play the piano, especially together with me and my violin. It was a sound I really loved and the perfect distraction for the both of us after my mother left. Even I tried the piano and my father always said how good I was at it, but it never gave me the feeling I had when was moving the bow over the white strings of my violin. The moment when the sound fell right into my ear, when I felt the strings under my fingers, the bow in my hand and knowing, I was the one who made this beautiful sound, feeling each note running through my body. It was what I wanted. But know, seeing those keys, remembering the time when I was listening to my father’s melodies, it really hit me.

He would never come back, never play with me again, never talk to me again. He was gone for good and I never got the chance to tell him just how much I loved hearing him playing. An exhausted, small smile was all I could make while my fingers touched the cold keys without making a sound. My heart felt heavy, my body tired and maybe I was just exhausted and blown away by all the happiness I saw tonight. All the happiness I wanted to see every day. Here. Together with Kurt. And as soon as I heard footsteps and immediately knew it was Kurt I turned around, smiling at him as he came closer until he sat down on the piano bench. His expression was tired too, like we all were tired from all the dancing and laughing.

“Did you want to play something?”

“No. I'm too tired for that and I'm not that good at playing the piano.”

He smiled, took my hand into his and again I enjoyed the warm feeling he always managed to send through my body when he touched me.

“We should go to sleep then. And I hope we can stay at my room tonight.”

“Whatever you want”, I breathed and we both stood up, hands holding and leaving the hall.

 

The whole way up to his room I held his hand and maybe I held it way too strong, like he did. Maybe this was our last night together for the next 3 months and only thinking about that, how the next months might look like I felt a lump in my throat. We knew this day would come, we knew we only had some days when we could be careless, happy and together without fear. We knew it. It was just too real at that very moment for me. And for Kurt.

We reached his room, still holding hands as he closed the door and locked it. There we were, in the blue room, in the dim light of the moon shining through the windows, through the white, thin curtains and it felt like we were in the night sky on a cloud, only the two of us. Kurt came closer, kissed me gently and then we both took our shirts off, wordless, taking our time but still with a smile on our faces. The time for crying wasn't there and there was no need to be sad. Only because our freedom was gone for 3 months, only because our paradise was over for now and we needed to be careful didn't mean that we wouldn't see each other at all. It would be different, of course, but I was ready to deal with that. Because right now Kurt was the most important person in my life and I wasn't ready to let him go if I didn't have to.

We stood there only in our underwear, my eyes looking into his blue orbs and without saying something I climbed into the bed, right after him and laid down next to this beautiful person, next to this smooth warm skin, next to the only person that made my heart beating out of control.

Laying under the blankets, our heads resting on the pillows we only looked at each other, letting our hands run through the other ones hair, over the skin, jaw, lips like we both wanted to memorize everything not only by looking at each other, but also by touching. Like we both wanted to burn the image of the other one forever into our heads and then I breathed, moving closer and kissing his nose.

“It will be fine.”

“What if it won't be?”, he whispered and I was expecting this. This was Kurt, the one of us who still had doubts, who wanted to remind us that all of this could turn out bad and hurt like shit. This was Kurt who wanted the same like I did but had a complete different experience in love.

“Don't worry, okay? I understand that you are worried but all we need is to,” I wanted to say our love, to love each other, to believe in our love, but even I wasn't sure or ready to say those words: “trust each other.”

“I trust you, Blaine. But I also saw what happened to all the others who hid their relationship to a prostitute. I just... I don't to stop this but... I don't want you to get hurt or anything.”

Oh God... I really loved him. I really did. Just hearing his words, just one look into those blue eyes and I knew it.

“Help me. And I'll help you and we'll make it. It will be okay.”

And with that we said nothing. Kurt didn't nod, didn't give me any answer just a small smile and wrapped his arms around my neck, kissing me like it could be our last kiss. Deep, almost desperate, his tongue asking for entrance and I willingly gave him what he wanted. What I wanted too. We kissed for a while, holding each other close, his chest pressed against mine, our legs tangled together, our half hard cocks against the other ones tight and as it was almost too much, too much heat, too much of everything Kurt broke our kiss and nuzzled into my neck.

My breath fell hot against his shoulder, his against my skin, but it wasn't the right moment to do more. I didn't want to be one of many. I didn't want to sleep with him because he was used to it. I wanted this to be right, to be special, and to mean something we both would never forget and even if it meant I had to wait for 3 months... it would be worth it. I believed it would be.

“It'll be fine, I promise.”, were my last words, before I kissed his shoulder, his cheek, felt how he kissed my skin and we just held each other close, so close and drift off to sleep.

 

 


	8. Henry

 

Chapter 8. Henry

 

It was warm where I lay, soft and familiar. There were arms around my body, breath against my chest and my fingers were touching soft skin. It was perfect if there weren't this pounding in my head.

_Blaine..._

I made an annoyed noise, held Kurt closer to my body but the pounding didn't stop.

_Blaine!_

The pounding became louder and louder and then I heard Kurt speaking, feeling his hands on my arm, shaking me awake. The pounding was no head ache, it was Kurt's door. Someone was knocking against Kurt's door like life depended on it.

“Blaine!!” I heard Francis shouting and opened my eyes to see Kurt.

“She's back,” he whispered and my eyes shoot open.

“Shit,” I hissed and sat up, way too fast, and climbed over Kurt, off the bed and opened the door to see Francis, clearly not amused.

“Hurry up, boy. You have five minutes.”

I nodded, closed the door and turned around to find Kurt sitting on the bed and handing me my clothes. The blankets were wrapped around his body, covering the beautiful sight I was enjoying the night before and maybe it was good so. Seeing everything would make it even harder to leave him. I took my shirt, put it on and bent down to him, kissing Kurt while he held my face. Our lips never broke apart while I slipped into my pants, buttoned my shirt and even when I pulled my socks on. It was a bit ridiculous how I moved, how I leaned back and forward again and every time I moved awkwardly he giggled or smiled into the kiss.

“I wish you could stay,” he whispered and it surprised me a bit. Hearing Kurt saying things like that, opening himself up and allowing me to take a look inside his mind meant a lot for me and, for sure, for him. It made the wall he had build around himself tear down, piece by piece and this, perhaps, just for me, for us.

“Me too,” I murmured and sighed against his lips.

“We need to be careful,” Kurt said between kisses.

“I know.”

“And don't do stupid stuff, Blaine.”

“I won't,” I chuckled as I remembered how I tried to convince him to listen to me.

His lips kissed my cheek as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, mine sliding around his body and we held each other close, only breathing the other one in, not ready to leave our paradise. Not ready for facing how things would be for the next three months.

Again, Francis were knocking against the door, harder and I placed my hands around Kurt's face, stealing one last kiss before I looked into those perfect blue eyes with the slightest hint of green.

“We'll see each other soon, okay? We figure something out.”

Kurt nodded, kissing me again and then he pulled back: “You should go.”

 

“Jesus” Francis hissed and smacked the back of my head as we hurried the stairs down to the hall: “I know you have to deal with your hormones but I think your life is more important.”

“I'm sorry,” I apologized and rubbed the back of my head. Oh, sure, my hormones or whatever this was were running through my body like crazy and sometimes it was hard for me to just do nothing more beyond kissing and touching. However, I didn't want to go any further until it felt right. But as I hurried the stairs down, feeling the growing distance between me and Kurt I almost regreted it, that we didn't go any further. Oh yes, my hormones were crazy, not going alongside my heart (which was louder than anything). That's why I didn't regret anything. I never wanted to regret anything we hadn't done because what we've shared was worth it.

“When did she come back?”

“An hour ago. Claire and I could distract her long enough before she decided to visit Kurt and Santana. Thanks to Sarah and Philipp I was able to warn the both of you.”

I thanked him and we walked slower as we reached the stage and Claire was sitting backstage together with Julia. She gave me a warm smile, Julia chuckled and I felt how I blushed and then grinned.

“Control yourself,” Francis grumbled and we walked towards the two women: “She'll notice it.”

He was right, I had to stop acting looking like an idiot in love but it wasn't easy because my mind always went back to Kurt. He frowned, glared at me and I shook my body and tried to act normal.

“Did she bring someone with her?” Francis asked after staring at me.

“Just two girls and a guy. What was his name?” Claire said and looked at Julia.

“Henry Lenol. I've heard he is interested in our play.”

Claire made a thoughtful face, Francis snorted and Julia grinned.

“It's the first time she brings a guy with her and he seems to be rich, judging by his clothes,” Claire said.

“What are you worried about? Roxanne probably does some business with him and is only interested in the money she could get.”

“Probably. Oh, and Blaine, she wants to see you.”

“Me?” I gulped nervously. I knew I had to meet her and talk to her at some point but I wasn't thinking that this would happen the first day she came back.

“Don't worry. She doesn't know,” Francis whispered.

“Okay... good. Um, now?” They nodded.

 

* * *

 

As I stood in front of her door and stared at the dark brown wood I stared at my feet and tried to calm down. There was no way she knew about me and Kurt. We were friends, we all were friends and no one would say here what we were. It didn't happen when Francis and Jean were together, it didn't happen any other time. It was always my mother who found those stuff out or the people who were involved, like Jean, told her what was going on. That's why I kept my trust in all the people here because Kurt and I weren't the only one keeping a secret. There was Thomas, the younger guardian who also wanted to be free and thought about to escape. Then there was Marie, who had a child and a husband waiting for her. So many of us who had their secrets, inside and outside the nightclub. There was nothing to be worried about, I told myself, took a deep breath and knocked against the door.

“Come in!” my other said and I opened the door. It was a bedroom and a office. Walls dark red, dark wooden floor and a desk where my mother was siting behind. Two chairs faced her and in one of them sat a men, maybe around 30 years old with dark blond hair, brown eyes and wearing an expensive black suit.

“You wanted to see me,” luckily my voice sounded steady. She looked at me, still like I was just some guy, working for her not knowing who I really was. Was it wrong that I didn't care about that? Because I didn't care. She left us, she wanted to have a life without us and I was fine with that. The only thing I felt for her was anger, deep anger because my father died, because he was waiting for her each damn day and then I found her here, taking away the freedom of those people. Of Kurt.

“Firstly, you did a good job with the play. Secondly, this is Henry Lenol a good friend of mine who is interested in the play and the nightclub in general.”

“Hello,” he stood up and I reached my hand out, greeting him and saying my name.

“Henry will stay with us for a while and I want you to show him around.”

I was taken aback by her words. Why should I show him around when there were people like Francis who knew this place longer and better than me? This made no sense for me and it made me feel somehow uncomfortable. Eventually she saw my expression, smiled and said: “He loves the sound of a violin. I want him to have a good time here and since you are the best violin player here I'm sure you will make our guest feel like he is welcome, right?”

“Of course,” relief ran through my body.

“Good,” she said, Henry smiled and I returned it, unsure if I should go or stay.

“Tomorrow around eleven in the morning, Henry will await you in the hall, got it?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

If it was all I had to do I was fine with that. I wasn't at the position to ask anything and so far everything seemed like he was a friend, or at least some rich guy interested in the nightclub and maybe they decided to work together. What did I know, I didn't even care. All I needed was to figure out how I could spent some time with Kurt, without being suspicious.

“Good, now take some rest because tomorrow we all go back to the usual business.”

 

* * *

 

On my way back to my room I thought about this Henry guy, eventually I still needed to figure out what would be the best way to actually tell my mother what was going on and make her understand that what she was doing, was not right. It was wrong to take away the freedom of a person, or not allow them to love a person. What bothered me the most was, that she just could walk away with that. She killed people, she bought people and did it with a smile on her face. Not caring about any other person around her, not caring about anything but money. Or so it seemed. Maybe this Henry guy would be my key to find more out about her.

As I stepped inside the building I went down to the basement, the kitchen and looked for Francis. But nobody was there. I left, walked up the stairs and called for him as I reached the top floor.

“You are back!” he peeked his head out of his room and gave me a wide smile.

“Yeah. I'm the new entertainer of this guy she brought with her.”

“You kidding?”

“Nope,” I laughed and Francis laughed with me.

“Those rich people who never saw behind the curtains of a nightclub can be really annoying. They don't understand our life. Oh, boy, I'm sorry for you.”

“Actually, I thought this Henry guy could be the key for me.”

I tilt my head, showing him to follow me into my room and so he did. Inside he closed the door, I looked out of the window making sure no one was there who shouldn't hear us. Yeah, Kurt made me somehow paranoid because he was so scared about what would happen if she ever found out what we were doing. And maybe being a bit paranoid wasn't a bad thing at all because usually I was more careless and followed my feelings. This time however it would be the stupidest thing to do.

“Since I'll spend some time with this guy I bet my mother will be around him too. Which is a good way to get to know her. If I start being around her, without a reason she'll might get suspicious and with Kurt and me being together I can't risk that.”

Francis ran his fingers down his chin, a thoughtful expression and then his dark blue eyes looking at me and a smile stretched on his lips.

“Well, it seems like Fortuna is on your side.”

It seemed like that, I thought, at least how I could get closer to my mother which was at the same time really dangerous. Being close to her meant that I had to be really careful with my words, with my actions so she wouldn't notice anything between me and Kurt. However, I knew that I was no good actor when it came to my feelings. Whatever I felt, happiness, sadness, love, I wanted to show it and I loved to show it because there was nothing wrong with feeling something. Expect here it was a bad thing if you didn't want to get in any kind of trouble.

“I hope that. It would make everything easier for me. But there is still me and Kurt, you know? I mean, I know we can't just act the way we did when she was gone. Therefor I wanted to ask you if you could tell me how you and Jean hid your relationship.”

Asking something like this probably opened old wounds and honestly, it made me uncomfortable to ask this. Francis was my friend, we were pretty close and I didn't want to hurt him with my words, but at the same time I just needed to be with Kurt. Francis smiled at me and took a bit of the guilt I felt away and sat down on a chair while I walked up to my bed and sat down as well.

“It was actually easy for us because we were living here but sometimes it was hard. Especially when we were working. We usually stayed here because here we were safe. Kurt however is an actor and the diamond of the special show. Roxanne always has a close eye on him and Santana... don't make this face, Blaine.”

Oh yes, he saw my desperation because everything sounded like there was no way I could spent any time with Kurt, not with my mother watching each step like a cat.

“It's not like Kurt can't do whatever he wants. He can because, duh, his and Santana’s opinions are really important to her and also their wishes. They bring the money. But, to make you happy, he is allowed to come here, you just need to be careful and don't spend the night with him. He still has a job to do.”

Thinking about his job made me sick, like it always did.

“So, don't worry boy, you'll see your little sweetheart. Just, don't act like a love sick guy when we are in the nightclub.”

 

* * *

 

I waited for Kurt until it was almost dark outside. If it was true what Francis told me then why didn't he come to me? The sane answer was that he and Santana were with Roxanne, talking, eating, whatever and she kept him busy. This was the most logical answer but my mind showed me different things, crazy, scary things. What if she found something out and kept Kurt away from me? What if someone told her about us and she would come to me, at night, and just kill me? What if Kurt decided to stop this because of something my mother said? Nervously I was sitting next to my window, watching the sun going down and took a deep breath, annoyed because of my thoughts. Especially because I couldn't just go to the nightclub and make sure everything was alright. There was no way I could act around Kurt like there was nothing between us, like I wasn't worried, because I was. As someone was knocking against my door it sounded louder than it actually was and a cold feeling ran down my spine.

“Yes?” and it was Kurt who opened the door and smiled at me. My whole body relaxed and I stood up, rushing to him and pulling him into a tight hug.

He hummed, hugged me back and whispered right into my ear: “Missed me?”

“Of course,” I said running my hands up and down his back just to feel him and make sure, this was real. Then I pulled slowly back, sharing a long, sweet kiss with him because who knew if I could do that tomorrow.

“I don't have much time. I just needed to see you and make sure you are fine,” he said after we broke our kiss and just leaned our forehead against the other one.

“Things are fine. I met her and she told me to entertain this Henry guy and show him this place tomorrow. He loves the sound of a violin.”

“Mmmh, rich people love classic stuff and you are very talented so I'm sure you'll entertain him.”

I smiled at him, wide and happy: “What about you? You met her?”

We sat down on my bed, I held his hand in mine, looking at him with curious eyes.

“Yes. Santana and I met her for dinner and talked with her about her journey, the play and stuff. I also met Henry and it seems like he is interested in the nightclub and the play. Probably just some other guy who will bring more money into this house.”

“So, everything is fine? She knows nothing?”

“No. I don't think so. She was herself and treated us like she always did. I even met Henry. He is like any other rich person I doubt he'll be here for long.”

“Is it the first time someone like him is interested in the nightclub?”

Kurt nodded and leaned his head against my shoulder.

“He is interested in the special show and the play. So I have to do my best tomorrow night.”

“Don't worry,” I said quietly and kissed his hair: “You are always amazing. You always were when I saw your performance.”

“So... you were basically stalking me?”

I chuckled, nuzzled my nose into his hair and breathed in deeply. His hair was so soft, like always, his scent like the early morning and his warmth, so close to me was just everything I wanted, everyday.

“Just be careful, okay? Not only because of Roxanne but also because of Henry. He doesn't know this place or the rules or anything at all. Maybe she told him some stuff, but it doesn't mean that he understands.”

Kurt leaned back, his blue eyes piercing into mine, making sure that I understood what he said.

“Don't worry, Kurt. I said, I'll do anything to make this work so that we can be free one day. Together or not.”

He tilt his head to the right, watching me with wide eyes and his body suddenly tense. I blinked two times and slowly recognized how my words sounded like.

“I mean... we... I won't do anything stupid, that's not what I wanted to say. I just... in case we won't be together because it will be too much for you.”

“For me?”

“Yeah, for you. I mean, I basically forced you to listen to me and to understand how I feel, so I understand it if you want to end this one day for your own safety. “

Knowing how I felt about Kurt, about us was one thing, but I didn't know how much Kurt felt, how much he wished this would work out. He never spoke about that because this wasn't Kurt's way to show his feelings. In the past years he had to wear a mask and pretend that he was fine, that he cared about things he probably hated. Sure, I knew he felt something for me, I knew he wanted me, he said it. But how much he felt, how much he wanted me and what he was ready to do for us I didn't know.

“I'm... really bad at this, aren't I?” Kurt sighed heavily and squeezed my hand as he ran the other one through his hair, while I looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“I... I wouldn't agree on... on this here if I wasn't sure... about us.”

And then I gave him a wide smile.

“You always make me say things like that,” Kurt mumbled and I leaned forward, kissing his cheek and seeing him smile.

“I'm sorry. I know it's not easy for you to say how you feel. But it's always good to hear it because all I can do is guess.”

There was something like guilt in his eyes as he was just looking at me without saying a word. His mouth hung open, slightly moving as if he wanted to say something but didn't know how or what and then, after what felt like an eternity, he wrapped his arms gently around my shoulders and I felt his warm breath falling against my ear. Immediately I held him close and hearing his voice: “Trust me, like I trust you. I want this... you.”

 

* * *

The next day went by far to quickly. I met Henry in the theater and showed him the nightclub and explained where which room was, the hall and later we talked about the play. I noticed that this man was anything but clueless. He knew how a nightclub worked, he knew enough about plays and theaters and he reminded me of my mother. Her focus was money and being successful and Henry's focus was the same and he loved the theater and classic music. I had no idea what on earth he wanted here when he loved art because this was a nightclub and a theater when Roxanne was gone. But I didn't ask because we all were busy because our old life began again and while we prepared everything for the evening my mind always went back to Henry. He was strange and I had a bad feeling about him. Claire and Francis tried to calm me down and convince me that I was just worried something might go wrong between me and Kurt and that my mind was playing tricks on me. Somehow I really hoped that, although I knew I could trust my feelings.

 

After the regular show we had a small break. I sat together with the other musicians, sipping my water and always looking up to the first floor were my mother and Henry sat. They were talking, leaning closer to each other to whisper something and I really wanted to know what it was about. He made me dislike him, more and more and it annoyed me that I didn't know why I felt like that. My father always said that there are some people on this world we simply dislike but we have no real reason why. He called it no chemistry or just some bad aura that makes us dislike a person without knowing them. Something like this never really happened to me, I didn't even dislike my mother as much as Henry and this meant something.

As the special show began I knew this was the moment where I needed to be calm, have a straight face and not act suspicious. My eyes needed to look away from Kurt as soon as he would walk on the stage. Maybe my mother was watching me and would get suspicious. One last time I looked up, watching them waiting for the show to begin and saw Francis, smiling at me and trying to calm me down. Luckily it helped a bit and my hands took my violin as the light became dim. We began to play as the curtains swung open and I risked one glimpse of Kurt, seeing him wearing those light blue clothes, his hair styled perfectly and it made me even more calm because I knew he was mine and I was his and no one could take that away from me. The crowd was moaning in awe as Santana and Kurt began to dance to the slow music, walking towards each other and then, as the music became faster they jumped off the stage to the crowd with the other dancers and making them dizzy with their movements, voices and teasing looks and touches. My lips became a small grin as I saw for a second how Kurt looked up to me, making sure it looked like it belonged to his performance and I was in ease, while I moved my fingers and my bow.

Right before the end of the performance I thought it would be good to look to Henry and my mother, just to see his face and maybe figure out what he thought about the special show. I was sure he never saw something like that because not even I'd heard about that and I met a lot of strange people and places. I knew that men loved men and women loved women, but it was never something that interested me or a topic in the public. No one talked about it in public, everyone ignored it but they knew about it. And right at the moment as I saw Henry's face I regretted my decision to look at them. His eyes were wide, his mouth formed to an 'o' and he leaned forward, like he tried to get as close as possible to the stage. He reminded me of myself and I felt how my mind went blank, how this uneasy feeling ran through my body. My hands were sweaty, my forehead and I needed to remind myself to breath. No, he probably looked like that because he never saw a show like this one. He wasn't looking at Kurt, he wasn't falling like I was. There was no way this was happening, it was only my mind giving me what I tried to find, a reason to freak out, to run away with Kurt. But there was none, nothing, everything was fine. It was just that my mind and my heart weren't walking the same way. Deep inside I knew it, I felt it that something was wrong.

 

 

 


	9. Dinner

 

Chapter 9. Dinner

 

People were clapping, cheering, leaving the hall and I just ran, fast, sweaty and tried not to run into one of the people who came for the show. My heart hurt because it was beating so fast and pumping the blood through my body that I thought I would pass out. It was panic, sheer panic I felt and didn't understand why. All I needed was to know where my mother and Henry were going. I needed to know what he was saying to her, I just needed to be sure that what I felt was false alarm. But before I was able to run up the stairs to the first floor I ran into Francis who stared at me with wide eyes.

“Whoa, what's wrong?”

I couldn't say anything, my jaw didn't want to move, my hands were shaking and my eyes looking behind Francis to the stairs and I saw them both, walking down and with a pleased smile on their face. Then they were gone, down the corridor and Francis grabbed my arms and shook me.

“Blaine? What's wrong?”

“No... nothing,” I breathed.

“Yeah, nothing. That's why you look like you just saw a ghost.”

He dragged me through the hall, close to the walls so no one would notice us because the crowd was busy with leaving. My eyes moved to the stage looking for Santana, for Kurt for someone but also they were gone and probably doing their job. Shit, I thought, Kurt was working again which meant he was meeting some men. Men he didn't know, men who wanted to have some private time with him, touch him, pay him for Kurt's service and my head begin to spin until I passed out.

 

* * *

 

I woke up in the middle of the night with a strange taste in my mouth. My head was pounding painfully and my stomach felt sick. Slowly I noticed that I was laying in my bed, in my room and there were candles burning on my desk. Groaning I held myself up with my elbows, rubbing my head and saw a figure sitting on my bed but my view was completely blurry from the sleep.

“How are you feeling, Blaine?”

I noticed it was Julia's voice who spoke to me.

“Like my head could explode any minute,” I answered, rubbing my eyes and finally I was able to see her. She sat up, wringing out a towel – which was laying in a bowl with water – and placing the cold, wet fabric on my forehead. It felt good and made the pain bearable.

“What... what happened?”

“I thought you tell me what had happened. You suddenly passed out and Francis took you here.”

I groaned, mumbled a sorry and covered my eyes with my palm. I slowly remembered what was going on before I passed out. We were working, the show was happening and that Julia was here meant, that it was still night, they were all still working. She as a sewer had not to work at night like Francis as a guardian, or Clare who took care of the prostitutes and also Kurt and Santana, their looks, their make up. Philip and Maurice were taking care of the musicians and dancers.

“Damn...” I moaned as the pain grew, running over my brain like it had claws and then, slowly I remembered my mother and Henry, why I was in panic, why I freaked out and felt this fear inside me. It was only because of his face, because he looked like me the first time I saw Kurt and I thought, maybe he's fallen for him. Maybe he was interested in him and wanted him, buy him free, take him away from me. But at the same time I noticed how stupid this thought was. There was no evidence, no proof that I was right, nothing but my own feelings who told me, this was the way it had to be. That's why I said nothing, I kept it to myself. Telling my friends this would cause more problems, more hiding, more lies and maybe – and I hoped it – I was completely wrong and he was blown away by the show, by their performance, by all this he never saw before. Yeah, it was like that, it had to be like that.

“I think I just need some sleep. The last days were pretty exhausting.”

Julia smiled at me, stood up and I was able to look out of my window. There, on the rooftop of the nightclub were the red light burning, the one that told each person – who knew what it meant – that they could visit the prostitutes, they could visit Kurt and get something for their money. Red was usually a color I loved. It was warm, a sign for love – well for me – and I never ever thought that I could dislike a color as much as I did it at this moment. This light meant that someone was with Kurt and could do all the things to him only I should be allowed to do, to see and have. Maybe I was a possessive, maybe I was selfish, but damn, thinking he actually didn't want to do this made me angry and sick. And at some point I blamed myself for this. I was the one who took the first step and told Kurt how I feel, kissed him, made him understand that it was worth it, that we should try it and although Kurt told me it was a bad idea, it would be hard I never thought it would be this hard. There was no regret I felt, it was just unfair that we had to live under this circumstances. A deep sigh fell from my lips as Julia came back and gave me some water to drink and a small bowl with soup.

“Do you want to see Kurt? Maybe then you'll feel better,” she smiled, her blond hair shining like gold in the candle light and her expression so warm, so calming, like a mother.

“He... he is working so... I doubt he'll have the energy to see me,” I said after I moved to sit on my bed, leaned against the headboard and took the bowl from her. With a beautiful, warm smile she ran her hand through my curls, kissed my forehead and left the room.

 

After I finished the soup I felt a bit better and fell into a restless sleep. Luckily I dreamed nothing or at least I couldn't remember that I was dreaming and sometimes I woke up, hearing the rain but it was still dark so I turned around and tried to sleep again.

“Blaine?”

Oh, that was nice I thought. I could hear Kurt's voice while sleeping. I saw nothing, everything was dark but I could feel his warmth, his hand on my arm. It felt so real, so true and than I realized I had my eyes closed and wasn't dreaming. Slowly I opened them, a candle was burning somewhere in my room and Kurt's hand was still on my arm.

“Hey, you okay?”

I turned my head to the right, seeing him, his beautiful face, his blue eyes and the concern.

“Yes,” now that he was here, now that I could wrap my arms around his body and be close to him I was okay. Like a child I held him close, breathing in the scent I loved so much and was happy to smell Kurt and not something or someone else.

“Francis said you passed out. I was worried but I couldn't come sooner,” he apologized, running his fingers through my curls and holding me with the other arm and kissed my forehead: “What happened?”

For some seconds I just enjoyed being close to him, I breathed everything in, wanted to keep it in my mind to remember this and then I thought about telling him what I saw, why I was so scared and knew that I had no proof. All I did is assuming and nothing more.

“I guess it was all just too much. I already miss the time we could be like this all day.”

He squeezed me closer and said nothing. He didn't have to because I knew he missed those days too.

“If it's too much for you we can stop.”

“No,” I said without even thinking about it and moved a bit away to look into his eyes: “I never stop wanting to be with you, no matter how hard it's going to be.”

And Kurt smiled, gently kissing my lips and his hands made reassuring movements.

“I know... and I'm the same. But whatever happens, please tell me about it. We are in this together, right?”

“Of course.”

 

* * *

 

The following two weeks were strange for me. I still kept a close look to Henry but I never saw something that made me worried. So I wondered if I just overreacted or if I basically wanted to see something that could stand between me and Kurt. This place made me really think in such a dramatic way I had no idea it was possible. I never felt so nervous and unsure and like thousands eyes were watching me, each step I did. Or maybe I felt like this because I was in love and scared I could lose him before we even got the chance to have a 'normal' life. But I tried my best to hide this and did what my mother asked me to do. During the day I showed Henry the nightclub, the rooms, explained everything and went out with him to the town. He wanted to know everything, where we were buying stuff, what kind of customers visited the nightclub and I answered him everything, everything I could. Sometimes I just stayed at his room for an hour or two, while he was writing and reading stuff or talking with my mother and I played the violin in the background. Then I had a break for some hours and spent my time with my friends or with Kurt. Especially with Kurt.

It was a huge difference for me compared to the days when my mother wasn't here. We would wake up in the morning, Kurt next to me, we ate breakfast together, then we went back to bed, talking, cuddling, kissing. Sometimes I played on my violin, while he was reading or we talked about the play, laughed with our friends and had nothing to worry about. Now we only had an hour or two together during the day or not but I saw him each night performing, dancing around other men and I somehow could deal with that but not with the other part that happened in his room. Each night when I saw the red light burning I knew someone was with him and I couldn't sleep anymore. And the nights when the red light wasn't burning I wished I could just go to him, lay next to him and find the peaceful sleep I never had when he wasn't with me.

But I wanted to be grateful, I wanted to be humble because it could be so much worse.

It was like this for a month until my whole world became a nightmare.

 

* * *

 

“He said he wants to meet us. Dinner with Roxanne,” Santana said as we were sitting in the kitchen: “And I can say he is pretty interested in the special show. Maybe he'll give us money for more clothes or something.”

I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. All these memories about the night when I saw him watching their performance, his face, his expression the same as mine. I was scared but I couldn't say why. I only squeezed Kurt closer to me, pressing my cheek against his shoulder while he let his fingers run slowly and gently over the skin on my arm.

“He wants to be an investor, that's for sure. He's been here for a month now and this is nothing that happens here often. Either you work here or you're an investor, otherwise people don't stay here,” Philipp said while Julia was fixing his collar and Claire was sitting next to them, while we were sitting next to Santana.

“Then he'll for sure will be an investor for our show. I mean he wants to meet us and have Dinner with me and Kurt. Like I said, he'll buy us new clothes.”

I didn't want him near Kurt. I wished he would just go away, do whatever he did in the past and leave us alone. It didn't even matter that he never acted like back that night, and it didn't matter that he was genuinely interested in our business. I wanted him to go and never come back because there was something that made me uncomfortable about him. Like he wasn't the guy he seemed to be.

I heard Santana and Claire discussing but I didn't hear what they were discussing about. I heard Julia laughing, Philipp sighing and then I felt Kurt's lips on my forehead and looked up, right into his beautiful blue eyes and his warm smile he only had for me.

“Tired?”

“Mhm,” I hummed and when he wanted to stand up the door opened and Francis looked at me.

“Roxanne wants to see you.”

And whenever this happened I felt even worse. It didn't matter how careful Kurt and I were, it didn't matter how many times she called me and it had nothing to do with us. Each damn time I felt this cold fear inside my body and prayed that she knew nothing about us.

Slowly my arms moved away from Kurt's body, while he grabbed my hand, a worried look and then it was me who smiled, trying to calm him down and giving him a kiss, gentle but making sure he knew how much I loved him. I never told him that, I never said that I loved him but I was sure I did it. Never in my life I was more sure about something. But each time I regretted not saying this. What if this time she really knew about us? What if it would be the last time I could see him? What if everything would just end now? However, I said nothing.

 

I walked up the stairs, to the first floor, walking straight to the dark wooden door and knocked against it. She called me in, sitting at her desk like always, but this time it was only her. Those dark red walls reminded me of blood, she sitting there writing something down and then her dark eyes were looking at me.

“You wanted to see me,” I said standing before her desk and she smiled, nodding slowly and put the piece of paper to the side.

“Yes. Friday evening we will have a dinner. Me, Henry, Santana and Kurt and I want you to play on your violin for us.”

I tried to hide my displeasure.

“Henry is important for us and I want you to make it perfect. He gave me these notes, some of his favorite melodies.”

I moved forward, taking the notes out of her hand and took a quick look. Luckily I knew those melodies and didn't have to practice those too.

“I won't disappoint you.”

And then we just looked at each other, silent, no tension between us but something that did something to my heart. Behind this serious face, behind all this coldness she showed to us I saw a woman, a mother and the wife who walked beside my father for some years. It was just a memory, just something crossing my mind and leaving pain in my heart.

“You settled down here?” she asked and still smiled.

“Yes, Madam. I really like this place.”

“And I heard you are from London?”

I nodded.

“I've been there, many, many years ago. I hope one day I can go back there. I miss the English theater.”

“It's still as beautiful as always,” I said to avoid my mouth to say something stupid like, you should have been there when we needed you, or, you should have never left us. And now hearing, that she missed the theater, London but not her family made me forget what I saw some seconds ago.

“Well, you can tell me more about it some day. Now I still have to do some work and don't forget Friday.”

 

* * *

 

We were in a huge room with a long dark brown table, a carpet on the floor, paintings on the dark blue walls and a huge chandelier hanging down from the ceiling. It was always used for some important people. Henry was sitting next to Kurt and facing Santana and my mother. The women wore beautiful dresses and Henry one of his expensive dark red suits. Kurt wore a suit too but in black and it was hard to not just stare at him and try to make eye contact with him. This wasn't the right place, this was dangerous, so I only played on my violin while they were waiting for their dinner and really tried to not see things which weren't there.

“Do you have a family, mister Henry?” Santana asked.

“Oh no. I'm not really into children and frankly, I love my work far too much. What about you?” he answered and looked at all of them. Santana and Kurt shook their heads and my eyes wandered to my mother curious what she had to say. She said nothing, only smiled and began to eat the soup Claire brought and served.

“Not even you, Roxanne?”

“Well, I consider the people here as my family.”

Haha, I thought and I really tried not to snort or laugh. With those stupid rules she had she still considered the people here as her family? If yes then why did she make those rules and made their life into a golden cage. Also, what about my father? What about me? Did she really forget us? Or maybe she said nothing so no one would know that she had a weak point – well I hoped father and I were her weak point.

They finished their soup, the entree and then the dessert, asking Henry questions about where he had been, what he did and I found out that he was not only an investor, he was a duke, interested in a new business. A nightclub.

“Thanks for the dinner, Roxanne and tell your cook it was delicious.”

Santana smiled pleased, Roxanne nodded and gave Henry a knowing look while Kurt gave me a look and a smile. I really thought he wouldn't do that but now I felt much better. I waited for Henry to say something, do something I wouldn't like but just his smile was enough for me, to make me calm.

“Well, now to the important part,” my mother said, looking somehow excited and really content. I just played, trying to focus only on my bow and fingers.

“Your special show is really interesting and you two are really talented. I've never seen something like this before and also two people like you.”

I saw Santana smiling smugly, Kurt's smile was small and his eyes watching Henry while my mother basically was glowing with pride. And I felt the same for Kurt. Of course he was good, of course he was talented and even more. The most beautiful person I've ever seen.

“That's why I want to invest in your show and in you two. I want you to be able to have everything you need and show your talent.”

They smiled, said their thank yous and Roxanne and Henry began to talk about this business. I kept on playing, smiling at Kurt who looked at me because this was good. The more money we had the sooner we could leave this place and go to America.

 

* * *

 

Maybe I was wrong about Henry. Maybe he wasn't that bad and our way to get out of here. With more money Kurt could pay off his debts and with mine I could buy him free. Well, this was my second plan if I couldn't talk with my mother and change the life here. They all stood up and left the room, while Claire took the plates and cleaned the table. I took my violin, asking her if she needed my help but Claire said no so I left the room and walked down the stairs but stood still as I reached the first floor and heard my mother talking and Kurt answering.

“I can't stop working, Roxanne. You know why.”

I pressed my back against the wall, leaned my head forward to sneak a peek and I saw her facing Kurt with a calm expression. Kurt however looked a bit torn.

“Think about it, Kurt. It's the best for the nightclub and for you. If it doesn't work out you can work again. Just, use your talent you don't even need to be honest.”

My eyes looked to the ground, to the side, to the other side while my mind tried to find to context. Why should Kurt stop to work? And why would it be the best for the nightclub and for him? Sure I would do anything so Kurt didn't have to sleep with other guys or whatever he was doing with them. But my mother was part of it which could only mean one thing. He had to do something else instead.

“I understand it, Roxanne. Can I have some time to think about it?”

“Of course angel,” she sighed, stroking his cheek and left to her room. Whenever she called him something like that, angel sweetheart, honey I knew that she cared about his opinion but also wanted the best for him. Usually I should have been calm and not worried because she would never do something to hurt Kurt or Santana. It was just that, when I stepped into the corridor, no longer hiding myself and Kurt saw me I knew something happened that wasn't good. I knew it because of his face, because of his small smile and his tired eyes. I knew it because he came up to me, ready to just fall into my arms but he couldn't, so I followed him up the stairs, to his room. No one would follow us, no one was working tonight, they were all in their beds, sleeping, reading or whatever doing.

Inside his room I closed the door silently, turning around to face him and held him close as his body settled against mine. His lips kissed my neck, his body was shaking and I didn't ask anything or tried to push him. All I did is giving him what he asked me for, without words. My lips kissed his cheek, my hands were running up and down his back and after a while he took a deep breath and whispered: “You mean it, right? You mean everything you said about us, Blaine?”

Until this point I thought Kurt trusted me, I thought he had no doubt in my words and maybe it was like that and he only needed to hear it again. Whatever it was that made him say this, my answer was always the same and would never change.

“Of course. Everything. I promise I mean it.”

My arms squeezed him closer to my body, my lips kissed the corner of his mouth and I whispered it again, right into his ear: “I promise I mean it. No matter what.”

“Good,” he moved his head back,looked with his blue tired eyes into mine and framed my face with his hands: “Because... I need you, we... need to stay strong... probably.”


	10. Tango Part 1

 

Chapter 10. Tango Part 1

 

I walked up and down his room, rubbed my fingers over my forehead, my lips and cold sweat covered my skin. We talked about troubles, we talked about how things could get worse and I thought I was ready to face them. But I knew, no matter how ready a person felt to face a situation, no matter how often you imagined the scenarios you are never ready to face them and you never now what they'll do to you. And for me it was like a nightmare.

“Okay,” but who was I not to even try to see the positive things: “You just have to accompany him, right? And you have to please him but not... not in a way you used to, right? And he never said he is interested in you like... I am.”

Kurt was sitting on the edge of his bed, watching me with sorry in his eyes.

“Yes. But no one supports a courtesan and doesn't have a hidden agenda.”

“No, Kurt. Don't make things worse. It's hard enough right now we don't need more of it,” I said and walked to him, worry in my eyes and took his hands into mine. I didn't want to think about it, the possibilities why Henry wanted to spent time with Kurt or support him with money.

“Look at it this way. He wants to know you, he wants to support you with money and we need the money. Maybe he'll buy you free and then you can get out of here and I'll follow you as soon as I can.”

His eyes grew wide, his lips were parted and I saw how he doubted my own words.

“You... you would let this happen? Let him buy me free and wait?”

“Of course. It's easier for him to do it as for me. If I do it she'll know why and I don't know if she'll let that happen or see it as a way of breaking the rules.”

I thought about that after my mother came back, how I could buy us free, how we could get out of this safe and sound. And also how I could change her, how I could manage it to make her the lovely woman she once was. But it wasn't easy, not at all.

“Blaine, if he'll buy me free I'll belong to him. If he buys me free and I just leave him he'll be angry, he will be feeling betrayed and he can ruin this nightclub and all the people here will lose more than their job.”

I let go of his hands, huffed annoyed and began to walk again. Why was he such a pessimist? Why couldn't he just believe that this will end good for us? Was it really because he lived here? For years in a place were drama was life?

“What makes you so sure, Kurt? What makes you so sure that he wants more?”

“I saw it, Blaine,” he said annoyed, as much annoyed as I was: “It's not the first time this happens. If a duke or anyone wants to support someone here they'll usually want to be with them, they want to buy this person and keep them. It doesn't even matter how much I mean to Roxanne when the payment is right.”

I didn't want to believe this, I just couldn't believe it. My mother sold the people here like they were just some products, like an old chair, like something she didn't need at all as long as she got money for it to buy something better.

“You can't know this, Kurt. All we know is that he wants to support you and know you. That's all.”

“Don't you trust me? Don't you think I know how this nightclub works?”

Of course he knew it, of course he knew it better than I did.

“I'm not saying it's true. I'm not saying that he wants to do this. But it's possible, okay? It's just possible.”

His eyes became watery, his body tense and he looked away from me. There was hurt, there was desperation in his face and I swallowed down my anger. God, no, I didn't want to hurt him or to call him stupid or anything. That's not what I wanted to do and my heart hurt so bad because I made him look like that.

“I'm sorry,” I said as I rushed back to him, sitting down and trying to look into his eyes. He didn't let me.

“Kurt, please. I do trust you, I believe you, really. I'm just... scared. You mean so much to me that only thinking someone could take you away from me drives me insane.”

Oh yes, I never tried to hide how I felt, I never had to do it until I came here. But in front of Kurt I couldn't hide it. I wanted him to see how much he meant to me, how much it hurt me if I couldn't be with him. I needed him to know this, to believe me and see, I wasn't joking, I wasn't fooling, I was honest with my whole heart and ready to let it be broken. Maybe it was stupid and maybe it was just pointless to act like that because things could break so easily. But it was worth it, it was always worth it and I knew I would regret it if I didn't let my heart speak. If I didn't even try everything at all. It almost felt like I was already insane because I needed him, I wanted him and probably I was possessive when it was about Kurt. And the worst thing was, I didn't care if it was true because it felt right.

“Don't even think I don't feel the same,” he hissed and a tear ran down his cheek. I didn't want to fight with him and I didn't want to make him cry. But sometimes it was so hard for me to tell how he felt and how much he wanted to be with me. Sometimes the cold part of him, the part that protected himself made me insecure.

“I'm not saying that you don't feel like I do... but you being so pessimistic isn't helping Kurt.”

“I'm not pessimistic. I'm realistic and trying to help us.”

He sobbed, looked angry and I wasn't sure what I should do, what I could do. I never wanted to fight with him and I never wanted to feel so insecure. That's why I said nothing, just wiped the tears away from his flushed cheeks and kissed his shoulder, carefully not wanting to go too far and make him even more uncomfortable or sad. Damn... it shouldn't be like that.

“I'm sorry, Kurt. I understand you but I just...”

“Please... go.”

I moved my head back, eyes wide and stared at him, his red, glassy eyes, his flushed cheeks and his lips, pressed to a thin line. His words were like a knife, cutting right into my heart. What... what did it mean? Go? Like he didn't want to be with me anymore? Or just that he needed some time alone? I didn't ask because I feared the answer.

“Okay...” I breathed, moving my hands away, standing up and leaving his room with such an empty feeling... I thought I would break apart. It felt like a piece of myself was just gone.

 

* * *

 

For almost two weeks I didn't talk to Kurt or met him alone. We avoided each other and it had such an impact on my mood that, when I didn't have to work I just went back to my room and worked on the song Maurice asked me for. All my frustration and anger – especially anger about Henry – influenced this song. The violin part was tense, fast, high notes and the first few days my hands hurt so bad that each night after our shows I fell straight into my bed and slept. I was thankful for each distraction so I wouldn't snap at my friends, or cry or do other things I didn't want to do. Claire tried to calm me down and kept on saying that Kurt will come back. Francis tried to tell me to go to him and talk once again, but I wouldn't do that. It was enough for me to see him with Henry. See them talking about something, see them smiling, laughing and the stupid way Henry was looking at Kurt. He was always surprised or blown away and he looked the same way at Santana but never... never with such an intensity like when he watched Kurt. They never touched, they never act like a couple and Kurt never gave him those looks back – which was one small thing that kept my sanity – but I couldn't watch it for long. Sometimes I wondered if they went on purpose to the hall where I was working with the other musicians. I wondered if Kurt tried to prove that he was right, wanted me to see that there was more. Honestly I doubted that because this wasn't Kurt and it hurt him to see me as much as it hurt me to see him. At least I wanted to believe in that which was a thing that made me more upset than anything. Kurt not saying how he felt, straight forward – like I did – and always mentioning the bad things that could happen made me doubt if he felt as much as I did. It always made me doubt although I knew he wasn't playing with me. But sometimes I wished he would just say it, open his heart to me and give me the reassurance even I needed to hear.

 

Sunday around midday Claire asked me to bring something to eat and drink for Julia who was working for days now. We haven't seen her at breakfast or lunch and when we had dinner she was too exhausted to be with us and went straight to sleep. A sandwich and coffee placed on a tray I went to the nightclub and down to the basement where she was still working, sewing three different dresses. Dark rings under her eyes, her blond hair a mess and looking like she would fall asleep any minute.

“You should take a break Julia,” I said with a smile and put the tray down next to her on the table.

“Thank you, Blaine,” she smiled but kept on working so I gently took her hands away from the dark blue dress and shoved the dress, needle and thread away from her.

“It won't hurt you to eat and drink,” I said as I sat down next to her.

Julia sighed, smiled at me and took the cup of coffee: “You are almost like Claire.”

We both chuckled because yeah, Claire was like a mother to us all when it was about taking a break and eat and drink something. Her heart was so big and warm, like Julia's.

I looked around, noticing the mess Julia usually never had and then my eyes stared at the three dresses she was working on. One was dark blue, the other red and the last one black. All three of them were made of silk or something, well they looked pretty expensive and something like my mother would wear.

“Those dresses are for my mother?”

“Yes. She wanted three new dresses. She'll wear them for the special show. I guess she wants to impress Henry so I do my best.”

Henry. Everything was about Henry. Claire had to cook special meals for him, Francis had to be his guardian – Thomas took his place while Francis was with Henry – and Philipp got lessons from him about dancing. Which was a joke because he had no idea about how to dance. And Julia had to fix his suits almost everyday and I was surprised he didn't ask her to make a new one for him. Well, it would probably happen anyway. Even Maurice was pissed at him because he tried to change the songs we were playing. I never saw Maurice like that. Sure he was strict but he was also a good friend and supported us, but when we were talking about Henry he basically began to burn with anger. I never really talked with him about anything else but music because he didn't know why I was here in the first place. Like all the others in the nightclub expect of Claire and the other three guys.

“Maurice was here and he was grumbling like a child about Henry and Roxanne. Especially about Henry,” said Julia and began to eat her sandwich.

“He's not the only one, that's for sure.”

“The good thing about him is, he brings more money into the club. Technically we do not need the money but you know, your mother takes each opportunity to get more money.”

Money. With money people could please my mother. With money they could get everything. With money Henry was able to buy Kurt free. I had no idea about how much money she wanted for Kurt or if she wanted to sell Kurt, but I was sure it would be a lot. So much money that it would take me years to get it together.

“You and Kurt are still fighting?”

“We... are not really fighting. It's... I can't stand Henry and Kurt has to accompany him and thinks that he wants to own him. But that's never been said.”

I kept on telling this to myself, over and over again. Things were hard enough, things were unfair and Henry wanting Kurt hurt more than anything else. I had money, he had money and with time we would get enough to by us free. Henry had it, Henry had enough and he could do it now which was fine because I wanted Kurt to be free but not belong to Henry.

“Do you think he is right?”

Julia ate the last bit of her sandwich, giving me a sad look and taking her time to answer.

“It wouldn't surprise me if he is right. Many people wanted to buy him and Roxanne, agreeing on that Kurt should accompany Henry is a big deal. She never gives a stranger so much credit like she gives it to Henry.”

I huffed, eying the floor and wasn't sure what I felt. First there was guilt because I didn't believe Kurt, then there was anger towards Henry and my mother and then there was this sadness and hopelessness because I had no idea what to do. I couldn't tell Henry to back off and leave Kurt alone, I couldn't show everyone that Kurt belonged to me. But – and for one second this crazy thought crossed my mind – I could go to my mother, yell at her, tell her the truth about me, what she did and how much she hurt me and my father. Maybe this would wake her up, maybe she would care about her son she left so early. Maybe she would give me the one thing I wanted and needed to be happy. Well... this would never happen.

“I'll go practicing,” was all I said and left the basement.

 

* * *

 

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iW71-sVyMzM>

 

We were in the hall, we musicians and practicing the song I wrote for the break in our play. Maurice sat in front of the stage, listening closely, while I didn't care about him or anything else. All I did is concentrating my feelings on my violin and let them out. Each one of them, anger, sadness and especially all the desperation I felt. I understood that this place wasn't good for having hopes or dreams or – god forbid – love someone. This place was a golden cage, a battlefield if you made it to one. This place made the most beautiful thing in this world look like a sin, like something that shouldn't be allowed, something that was bad. But I knew it wasn't and no matter what I couldn't give up on Kurt. That was it... that was what you get when you were willing to take a sin, to love a sin. A sin, so beautiful that even the blue sky was jealous. Oh bad sky Roxanne wouldn't like your jealousy.

“Stop!” Maurice shouted and the tones went down until we were all silent: “That sounds good Blaine... but don't you have any words?”

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and looked at Francis who was sitting next to Maurice.

“I asked Francis to sing it along with lines I want to sing but we aren't ready yet. It... doesn't fit like... I wished it would.”

Francis shrugged when Maurice looked at him and ran his hand through his dark hair.

“You know there are only three weeks left, Blaine?”

“I know, I promise next week it will be done. We already have the dance, we already have the music only the text is missing.”

Some of the musicians gave me reassuring looks, Francis smiled at me and the dancers behind took their places. This was a good feeling, knowing many people were behind me making sure I was okay while the rest didn't.

“Okay then let's take a look to the dance with the music,” Maurice sighed sat down and Francis patted his shoulder. Maurice was no bad guy and he supported me and Kurt. He was just a perfectionist when it was about music, words and performance. We took our places, Francis and Maurice making space by leaving the dance floor. As they were sitting again and the women and men standing on the dance floor we began to play again and they began to dance, tango. I was completely focused on my violin, the fast and high notes, the change of notes and it felt good to let everything out with music. But then there was Henry, right next to Maurice and watching the dancers, listening to us and I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Again he wore this expensive suit, again he made sure everyone could see that he belonged to the higher class, that he had money and that he had a lot of power. I pressed my lips together, trying to focus back on my violin and closed my eyes and opened them again to look to the right side... I swallowed. There was Kurt, looking tired, looking at me with such intense blue eyes that I almost dropped my violin and ran to him. But I couldn't. We played faster, louder, then quiet and again faster. The dancers were all around the dance floor, flying skirts, arms, legs. The musicians focused on their instruments and Kurt's eyes still on me. They were digging into my head, I almost could hear his voice in my head, how he tried to call me, how he tried to make me understand something and I tried to ignore it. I tried to focus on anything but Kurt... well this wasn't possible. As soon as the music was over, the people began to clap and cheer about how good it sounded, how good they were dancing I left the stage, dragged Kurt behind the curtain and pressed him against the wall, attacking his lips with mine. And to my surprise he kissed me back, with as much need and desperation as I did. My violin fell to the floor, my hands pressed him against my body and his arms slid around my neck. I was holding him, he was holding me and I moved my hips forward, our half hard cocks touching through the fabric. We gasped, stopped kissing and all we did is just breathing, just holding each other close and waiting for our bodies to calm down. Two weeks... how was it possible for me to be away from him for two weeks? My aching body, my tears, my desperation about all this... how was I able to handle all this when right now... right now all I felt was so good and everything I needed.

“I love you, Kurt... I love you,” I said in a rush, kissing his cheek, his nose and just holding him close. God yes, I loved him, so much I would do anything for him.

“I love you... I love you too, Blaine.”

 

 

* * *

 

We ran up the stairs, not caring about who could see us, who would say something. We were just rushing into his room, locking the door and not caring about anything at all but us. In his room we weren't falling over each other, no, we were smiling, our eyes watery, our hearts pounding fast and I wrapped my arms around him, taking a deep breath and looking into his clear blue eyes. Oh yes, the sky had many reasons to be jealous.

“Say it again,” whispering I kissed his cheek, feeling his smile grew wider.

“What?” he almost chuckled and placed gentle kisses on my face too.

“That you love me. Say it again.”

Kurt never said how he felt, he never wanted to be vulnerable so I didn't recognize his words fully when he said it back. It was more like my mind only told me those because I wanted them to hear.

We stopped kissing, his was nuzzling against my cheek, breathing satisfied and said it again: “I love you.”

I smiled against his neck, feeling such a jolt of happiness that my body began to shiver. Oh yes, I was happy, so happy like never before in my entire life.

“I love you, too.”

We were looking into each others eyes again, stupidly smiling and holding each other close. I wished we could stay here, forever and tell each other how much we loved the other. I wished this was all we needed to live.

“Show me how much,” he breathed, kissing my lips gently: “Show me how much you love me.”

Oh god... I swallowed, felt how hard it became to breath when I only imagined how he would look like completely naked, for me, me inside him, becoming one with him. Holy shit...

“Fuck.. yes please.”

“Blaine,” Kurt chuckled: “Language.”

I moved my hips forward, feeling his hard dick against mine and smirked feeling him smiling against my mouth. So there we were, ready to sleep with each other, ready to show our love we finally confessed. But it was hard for me because, damn, I was nervous. I never slept with a guy. Jesus, the last time I had sex was like a year ago. That's why I looked down on my hands, which were holding his waist and my eyes grew wide. I had no damn idea what to do and Kurt, who had a lot of experience had his expectations, right? Oh god, I didn't want to disappoint him because it was already enough that I was a simple violinist, no famous musicians, not very pretty just some silly guy deeply in love with him. Kurt, who made the sky jealous, who was coveted by everyone, who was so beautiful it made him almost unreal. But he loved me, he said it he loved me and no one else.

“I... I don't know what to do... I... I've never slept with a guy.”

“Just love me and you won't do anything wrong,” Kurt said, trying to calm me down because I was hard as a rock but nervous as a child. His hands were on mine, moving up his body, to the buttons of his shirt and I began to open them. Slowly we undressed each other, first the shirt, then the belts, pants and as he stood there, only in his briefs I collapsed forward, kissing his collarbone and my fingers were running up and down his naked back, feeling the soft skin under my fingertips. Kurt did the same, touching my chest, caressing it gently and then his hands moved further down, to my briefs and I felt his fingers around my cock.

“Oh god...” I moaned, my eyes rolling back into my head and held myself on my feet by holding him.

“Touch me, Blaine,” he talked me through it and I did what he said: “Show me your love.”

We were stroking each other through our briefs, kissing eagerly, our tongues slipping inside the others mouth. There was this warm feeling, this fire in my belly, growing, making me feel so good I moaned, deep and low together with him. Yes, god yes, this was so good, so incredible and only because I truly loved him and he loved me. Sharing this, giving such a pleasure to someone you loved couldn't be compared to any sexual contact I had in the past.

He stopped his hand as he heard how close I was to come and I did the same, shoving his briefs down, along with mine and when we both were naked I closed my eyes, pressing our foreheads together and waited. I would see him naked, I would see him without any clothes, his entire beauty and it made me even more nervous and excited.

“I love you, Kurt and I'm sorry for what I've said to you.”

I said it because I wanted this moment to be perfect. Without any worries, without any bad things between us. I wanted him to know that I believe him, trust him and would never stop doing that. No, I wouldn't. Whatever happened, I would always chose Kurt.

“Me too... so much,” with a kiss he sealed our words and walked to the bed, dragging me along with him. With a lovely smile he lay down, showing me his whole being. His pale skin was almost white because of the moonlight shining through the curtains. It was flawless, fine muscles, like a drawing he lay there with his blue eyes on me. Long wonderful legs and his long, hard cock glistening with pre-come. Oh god... I wanted to jump on him, to ravish him, make sure he knew he was mine, that everyone knew he was mine. Fuck, these things he did to me. This thoughts he made me think. My personal sin. I climbed on the bed, moving so I was above him and began to kiss his face, his jaw, his neck, god I would kiss each inch of his body so he wouldn't forget it.

Kurt ran his fingers through my curls, to my shoulders and down my arms while I kept on kissing his skin. Collarbone, chest, his hard nipple left and right, his ribs, navel, belly and wherever I kissed him my hands followed and drew their ways on his skin. Not leaving marks, just touching. No, his skin was too pure I didn't want to leave any marks without his permission. I kissed his thighs, his hipbone and then his throbbing cock. _Oh..._ I heard him moan, saw his back arch up and his fingers were back in my curls and took him into my mouth. I felt pride, I felt happiness, I felt so much gratefulness that he let me do this to him, that he let me love him. Let me do all this to his body.

“Blaine...” he whimpered while I sucked him. He said my name from time to time while I took him, sucked, licked and when I thought he would come I let off of his dick and looked up.

 

Holy fucking shit.

 

How could his eyes be more blue? How could he look even more beautiful than he already was? How many men got the chance to see him like this? How many men did he show this love? How many men fell for his act? Oh no, I had no doubt that he was honest to me. Not one single doubt. He looked to pleased, flushed cheeks, eyes dark but oh so blue and his smile... god his smile. I moved back to him, kissing his lips and he pressed me against his body with his arms. Chest on chest, heartbeat to heartbeat... it was all mine and I was his.

“In my drawer there is a lotion.”

I reached out for the drawer on the right side, feeling his lips on my chest kissing right there where my heart was beating and as soon as I held the bottle I moved back to him, kissing him and then smiling unsure and he understood. Kurt held himself up on his elbows, giving me a kiss and then pouring the lotion on my fingers. I watched him, still wondering what I should do with my slick fingers. Almost amused he turned around, laying on his stomach and led my hand to his ass, down his crack to his hole. Oh... I understood. I moved forward, kissing his shoulder and let the tip of my finger touch his hole and then I pushed inside, slowly, feeling his body tensing up.

“Sorry...”

“No... it's good,” he hummed and moved into my touch.

Jesus... I never thought that Kurt actually had a lot of sex with other men, or at least let them do this what I was doing but still, he was so damn tight I knew I would come fast and hard as soon as I was inside him. My finger was pumping in and out, followed by a second, by a third and Kurt was moaning under me, in such a pleasure and such a devotion it felt like I could see his soul, like I was touching his soul. That was it what gave me all the answers I needed. His body said everything he couldn't say out loud and sometimes it was enough and sometimes not. But now, it said everything words could never tell.

My fingers still moved in and out of his hole, opening him up and Kurt moved with them, forth and back, so I could watch the muscles on his back, watch how fluent he was moving, how he gave himself away for me. Holy shit, my cock was so hard I couldn't wait any longer. My fingers left him empty and I took the lotion to pour a generous amount on my throbbing dick. Slicking up he bent down, kissing his shoulder and he turned his head back, looking over his shoulder into my eyes and I lost myself. This was too beautiful, he was too beautiful, his eyes, his flushed face... he was unreal, sometimes I really thought he was unreal. Positioning myself I held my cock and slowly leading it to his ass, pressing the head against his opened hole and feeling his hand on the back of my head. Kurt began to kiss me, deep and passionately while I slid inside his ass, taking my hand away from my cock and holding myself up, my hips moving down. Bloody hell, he was tight, he was hot, he was basically swallowing me so I could be inside him even faster. There were stars behind my eyelids, fire, desire, so much I had to bite down on his bottom lip to swallow the scream of pleasure. Kurt only smiled so, so pleased and kept his hand on the back of mine.

Two deep breaths and I was able to open my eyes, seeing his delicious back, his eyes, his smile and finally I was all the way inside him. My trembling lips kissed his cheek, my hands where moving back, I leaned back and took a look at his whole body. The shiny sweat on his skin made Kurt look like he was made out of porcelain, or like a painting, but not like a human. He was like an angel, my angel, living in this place of a sin but being the brightest and most beautiful things around this darkness. I lay my hand down on his neck, touching the warm, sweaty skin and ran it down his back, slowly, gently, feeling the how flawless it was. Not one mark, nothing but smooth skin.

“Something wrong?” he asked me breathy when I didn't begin to move.

“No,” I almost choked and slowly moved my hips back, feeling his tight walls around my cock and sliding back inside him. No way in hell I would handle this for long.

“You are just so beautiful. I can't believe it how lucky I am.”

He blinked, his eyes still shiny, blue and literally swallowing the moonlight.

“It's because you love me, silly.”

No, not just because I loved him. He was beautiful even without my love. After a while of only testing my movements and watching him I found a rhythm and moved in and out of him. I made him moan, I made him arch his back so he could kiss me, I gave him all this pleasure I saw on his face and hoped that only I could make him look like that or make him make those sounds. I wanted to be the only one he ever wanted.

We were moving faster, the bed under us making quiet noises and my hand slid under his body, taking his cock and began to stroke him fast. I was too close to my orgasm, too close to completely lose it and I wished he would come with me. And Kurt wanted it too. He bent his leg, I thrust deeper inside him and hit a place that made him cry out. Oh, my, god! Again I thrust inside him, made him cry out again and heard him pleading for more, deeper and I gave it to him. Two, three more strokes, two, three more thrusts and we both came with such a force, so hard that I was glad Kurt pressed our mouths together so no one would hear us.

 

* * *

 

With a damp towel I cleaned his skin, slowly, careful and burning this image inside my head. His cock was softening, his expression calm and pleased and his hand running up and down my chest. We sat towards each other on the bed, in the moonlight and shared sweet kisses, lovingly looks and as I was sure Kurt was clean he came closer, wrapping his arms around my back and I held him close, just sitting there on the bed. We both were warm, exhausted and our skins were soft and clean and I still didn't understand that we actually did it. Of course I thought we wouldn't do this after a fight, of course I wanted it to be perfect, like I imagined it. But now I forgot how I imagined our first time because this was perfect. He was perfect.

“I love you Kurt. I can't stop saying it.”

He chuckled, kissed my shoulder and pressed himself against me, tying to be as close as possible.

“I don't want to fight with you again. I don't want anybody to stand between us. I want to be what you asked me to be. Strong, with you, by your side.”

“I know... I know you will.”

We were silent for a while, just enjoying this sated feeling, enjoying being so close, breathing the smell of sex and clear wind in.

“I made a deal with Roxanne,” he whispered: “Maybe then he'll go.”

And all the calmness inside of me was gone. A deal? What deal?


	11. The Rebel

 

Chapter 11. The Rebel

 

Kurt looked at me with so much hope that it was hard for me to say how much I disagreed with the deal he wanted to make with my mother. He wanted to, he didn't do it yet and this was the only thing that kept me calm and sane and his touch. We were laying on his bed, still naked, still living in our little bubble of love and peace and only us. His fingers were running down my arm, gentle and warm and his eyes looked into mine. Blue, like a diamond and filled with so much calmness and love for me I had a hard time listening and thinking. My hand rested on his chest, my thumb running over the skin where his heart was hidden and feeling his quite pounding. Pounding for me, pounding along with mine and showing me that this was real, that we were alive and not dreaming.

“I'm still not sure what he wants and Roxanne doesn't want to say a word about it. But like I told you if he is willing to support me, to give me money and make me more famous he for sure wants something more.”

I said nothing. Kurt knew what I thought about that so I just listened to his words.

“And if I leave this nightclub for a year and travel and act for him he'll get some of the money I'll make and maybe then he'll leave us all alone. If that's what he wants. Watching me and making money through me.”

“He is rich. Why would he want that?”

Kurt chuckled and ran his fingers through my curls.

“You don't understand rich people, don't you? They don't care about how much they already have but how much more they can get. And Henry... I don't think he is into men. I think he is just fascinated that something like this actually exist and wants to see more of it and try something out.”

“What? He wants to watch you sleeping with other men?”

Kurt shook his head, smiling amused and leaning forward to plant a gentle kiss on my lips and leaning his forehead against mine, our eyes closed.

“No. Roxanne wouldn't allow that. Here I'm a courtesan but outside I'm just an actor, an artist, a performer. Do you think she would let me go on my own? Francis or Thomas would come with me and take care of me.”

It was strange because my mother treated him like a son. She kept him safe, she gave him everything he wanted. But she let him sleep with other men, she wanted him to pay his debts and didn't give him any freedom or allowed him to love someone. This was such a wicked game.

“What do you think? A year is not that long.”

Of course my answer was no. Of course I couldn't stand away from him for a year. Not after this night, not after I told him I loved him and he said it back to me. Who was I to let my love go? What if he wouldn't come back? What if he got killed? There were so many what if's that my heart began to ache only by the thought I couldn't see his face everyday and make sure he was alright. Slowly I wrapped my arms around him, held him close and kissed his cheek before I whispered into his ear: “I love you, Kurt. I love you so much that even thinking you could be gone for a year and I can't kiss you or hold you or even see you hurts so much I can't handle it.”

He was shivering, clinging to my body and that not because he was scared but because he was loved. I made sure he could feel it with each kiss, with each word, with each touch. Everything I shared with him, gave him should show him just how much I loved him.

“But,” I swallowed feeling the lump in my throat: “If this is what it takes to be with you forever I'll support you.”

 

* * *

 

“That was just stupid! So stupid Blaine! Everyone was there and if Thomas didn't see you two... just God, Blaine!” Francis walked up and down my room, ruffling his hair and being really angry with me. Okay, he was right. Running to Kurt in the middle of practice while everyone was around us wasn't the smartest thing to do but I couldn't help myself. Thomas sat beside me on a chair while I was sitting on my bed and smiling a little.

“Stop smiling! This isn't funny.”

“Sorry,” I said and Thomas chuckled quietly. After I ran to Kurt and hid him and myself behind a curtain Thomas took my violin and made sure no one saw us. I didn't think abou anything when I ran to Kurt and I didn't care about anything at all. All I wanted was to stop the silence between us and just be with him, show him how hard it was for me to stay away from him and how much he meant for me. That he was everything I needed and wanted.

“Thanks, Thomas,” I said and squeezed his shoulder.

“Oh, you're welcome Blaine,” he smiled with shining vivid blue eyes. He was twenty but he looked so much older because of his muscular and tall body. As a guardian he had to be physically strong but his eyes and face just showed me how young he was.

“I can't let any harm happen to our only hope right now, right? And since I am not allowed to do anything I make sure you are safe and so Kurt.”

“I hope you keep your word, Thomas. You and Blaine will cause my a heart attack, seriously.”

“If you don't sit and calm down you will cause yourself a heart attack,” said Thomas and ran a hand through his dark blond hair.

“And if you don't stop being a little rebel I lock you away,” Francis grumbled and sat down on my desk, watching Thomas with narrow eyes.

“Rebel?” I asked and my smile faded away.

“Thomas came up with the great idea to call your mother out.”

“Well we can't let Blaine do everything. If we all would stand up against her we would win. It's like we are twice as many people as she has to kill us.”

“No one going to get killed, got it? We will wait and see what Blaine can do then, if it doesn't work out we'll think about something else.”

Panic crawled up my spine and I turned to Thomas, staring at him with wide eyes.

“You can't do that Thomas. I'll figure something out.”

“Come on Blaine. We can't just sit here, wait and watch how you bring yourself in danger.”

“No... no, Thomas,” I ran a hand through my hair: “you... you guys already make sure no one finds out about Kurt and me. It's okay, I want to do it. She is my mother and this is... my responsibility.”

It was strange that the kid had to take care of their parents. I took care of my father after she left us and now I had to make sure that she stopped this insane rules and ruin a persons life.

“If I need help I'll ask you guys.”

“Do you have any idea how to do it?” Francis eventually asked.

“No... not yet,” with Henry everything was even more complicated and I had no idea what he really wanted: “She'll be gone in some weeks and then I'll think about it. Henry made everything even more complicated.”

“Does he want to buy Kurt free?”

I looked down, my fingers entwined with each other and I shrugged: “We don't know. Kurt thinks he wants to but I'm not sure about that. Right now he is talking with Roxanne about a deal so hopefully Henry will be gone soon.”

Thomas mumbled something and Francis looked at me with confusion.

“What deal?”

“He... he wants to leave for a year and accompany Henry. He... he wants to act for him because Kurt thinks he is fascinated by that men can be attracted to men and... I mean look at Kurt. He is so beautiful and so talented and of course each man would fall for him.”

Oh I knew it because it happened to me. I fell so hard for him but the difference was that he loved me back and no one would ever have that what we had. It was the only thing that gave me the strength to hold on should this happen.

“I don't know if Roxanne will let that happen. She is really protective over Kurt and Santana.”

“I know... I just want him to go. I can't stand Henry's face and the way he looks at Kurt.”

Thomas inhaled high and deeply and caught my attention. There was alarm in his eyes which were moving to Francis and he looked the same way at me which made me really uncomfortable. Did they know something I didn't? Or was my wish just too crazy?

“What?”

“Blaine... you are jealous,” Francis whispered.

“What? No, I have no reason to be jealous. Kurt is my boyfriend and that's all I need to know.”

“Blaine, because of your love you were unable to hold yourself back yesterday. This time we had luck and I know because of your love for Kurt you won't put you two in such a danger again. But jealousy is something different. I don't say it's stronger than love but... it's tricky and far more dangerous,” Francis explained and I laughed nervously. No, I was not jealous, I had no reason to be jealous. Kurt loved me, he only kissed me and only wanted me. Henry could try whatever he wanted to but he would never get what he had. Never.

“No... really. I'm just worried.”

But I saw in their faces that I couldn't convince them.

And somewhere deep inside my soul I couldn't convince myself either.

 

* * *

 

It was almost August and I still didn't figure out what Henry wanted and Kurt didn't talk with my mother. The reason was that we had far more shows than usually. Our shows happened on Wednesday evening and Friday until Sunday. Now my mother changed it so that we were working from Tuesday until Saturday. It wasn't even her idea it was Henry's idea because he wanted to see Kurt perform. He wanted to see him as much as he could, hear his voice and watch his talent. There was only one good thing in all this mess. Kurt didn't have to sleep with any guy since our schedule changed but it didn't mean that he wasn't exhausted. He was, so much that when we met I let him sleep in my arms and never asked for sex or anything although I wanted to. Whenever he felt like to do it we did it but we never went back to his room because we didn't feel safe there. Knowing that August was close and my mother and Henry would be gone made me excited and gave me so much hope that we could just be together with our friends and alone. Like the first time.

 

“I can't believe she is doing this!” Maurice yelled through the kitchen and a plate broke. I stood still as I wanted to open the door to the basement and heard Claire's angry voice.

“You don't have to destroy my kitchen! It's not my fault, Maurice!”

I waited, heard steps behind me and saw Julia and Philipp coming down the stairs. Philipp looked at me with worried eyes and Julia opened the door, walking inside fast and furious.

We followed her inside seeing Maurice his face red and filled with anger. Claire was more worried about her kitchen and picked up the pieces of the plate together with Julia.

“Control yourself, Maurice. We aren't happy about that either.”

“And it's not even official. Maybe she'll change her mind,” it was Philipp who tried to calm them down while I still didn't understand what the hell happened.

“Not official? The moment Roxanne smells money she forgets everything and acts completely insane no matter what it means for us or the club!”

My... mother? I walked inside, stood there awkwardly and waiting for them all to calm down so I could ask what happened.

“Kurt is still talking with her. You know which influence he has on her and even Santana is with him,” said Philipp and Maurice pressed his lips together while Julia calmed Claire down.

“I'll make tea! Someone wants tea!?” Oh... I saw she was really angry. Whenever Claire was about to lose it she made tea for all of us and we raised our hands, agreeing. It would have been stupid if we didn't do it. Julia sat down, so did Maurice and the tension slowly faded but was still there, waiting to grow again. I waited, and waited until everyone was quiet and looking like I could actually talk to them without someone snapping at me.

“Kurt is talking with her?”

“Yes. Since an hour I think,” Julia smiled at me and I sat down next to her.

“And... why are you all so angry? What did my mother do?”

Oh, this was a mistake. Maurice' fists were shaking and his face was turning deep red again but he said nothing because Claire shoot him a warning cold look.

“She asked Maurice what he thinks about if Henry owns the nightclub.”

“He... what!?”

Henry? Owning the nightclub? No way. No way in hell this was happening.

“But... what about her?”

“What do you think how much she can get for this nightclub, together with all of us, the show and the special show?”

My eyes grew wide and I looked at Julia as if she had a solution for this.

“Exactly. So much your head feels dizzy.”

“But... this isn't happening, right? She only talked about it.”

If this would happen, if Henry really would own this nightclub I knew there was no way we could change the rules or make him change the rules. He could ruin everything and he would rule everyone and everything. He could take Kurt away from me, he could make the life of my family even worse than it already was and I could do nothing against it because he had no connection with me. Nothing.

“Yeah. And I doubt she'll agree on that. This nightclub is her life, she made it to the nightclub it is today.”

Claire gave us all a mug filled with tea and Maurice huffed, crossed his arms before his chest and stared at Philipp.

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because Kurt and Santana won't let that happen,” said Julia.

I felt sick... so sick and guilty. I should have talked to her before this all happened. I should have told her who I was and what she did. I should have tried it at last because what could she do to me? Nothing. I was her son, I was the child she had inside her body for nine months and there was no way she forgot the time with me and my father.

“I'll talk to her!” I stood up and Claire ran to me and grabbed my arm, forcing me back down to sit.

“You are going nowhere. We wait for Kurt and Santana and if she really wants to do this. Then you can go to her if you want.”

“But...”

“No but, Blaine. Don't make me more angry than I already am. Maurice is just overreacting.”

Maurice glared at her, wanting to say something but she glared back and he decided to shut his mouth and drink his tea instead.

“We wait for Kurt and Santana now and don't you dare to do something else but sitting here and drinking the damn tea.”

We were silent, drinking and not even trying to say something but our minds were running circles. I had no idea what was worse. Kurt leaving me for a year just to please Henry so he will leave us alone or be with Kurt while Henry ruled over our lives. Both ways were terrible and I didn’t want them to happen. I didn't want Kurt to go or Henry to stay here for good. All I wanted was to be with Kurt, give us all our freedom and just live. I just wanted to live like I used to. The time before I came felt so unreal to me after those months being here. It felt like I was only dreaming and never really experienced all those things. Like playing in a theater and make people happy, like running through the streets and playing wherever I wanted to play or spent the evening in a pub together with other people and laugh and drink. I wished Kurt and I had met in a different place under different circumstances and just be. For just one second I really wished this never happened because I felt so helpless and lost but on the other side I knew I would never want it any other way. These people here were my family, Kurt was my love and I wanted them all to be safe.

“They are coming,” Thomas said as he opened the door and we all looked up with raised eyebrows. Quickly I left my place the second I saw Kurt and ran to him although he wasn't far away from me. I ignored Santana's chuckle, ignored that Thomas had to take two steps back so I could take Kurt's face into my hands and kiss him. I only pressed my lips against his, feeling how he kissed me back and just needed to feel this, him, reality. He wrapped his arms around my neck, keeping me close and I broke our kiss, caressing his cheek and looking into his eyes quizzically and Kurt shook his head.

“She is a bitch!” Santana groaned and no one disagreed: “And Henry is a sick bastard. I hope he'll leave us soon.”

Kurt smiled... a watery smile, kissed my lips and took my hand so we both went back to the bench and sat down. He said nothing but kept on giving me looks like he would tell me anything else later.

“What did she say?” Maurice asked his voice still angry.

“Kurt offered to spent a year with Henry because he wants to support him and his talent but he said no and Roxanne told us he'll stay here a while longer. But the good thing is, she won't sell the nightclub to him. It belongs to her and this will never change.”

We all exhaled in relieve and finally I saw them all smiling, honestly smiling.

“Oh wait, here comes the best part. He will go with her to look for new people and when they'll be back we'll get some great news,” she groaned and sat down, next to Philipp: “Great news. Let me laugh, he probably wants to own a part of the nightclub and rule it with her together. If I didn't know it better I would say they love each other.”

For some reasons they all laughed but me because I was more focused on Kurt and what he kept inside of him. Something happened, I felt it. I felt it in the way he squeezed my hand, how stiff his body was and how pale he as. Usually his pale skin looked beautiful but now he just looked sick and worried.

“He will give her money, buy some people of her and create his own business,” Philipp said.

“Yeah, but the thing is he is only interested in the special show and we only have Kurt and me here. So, I don't know but I won't go and neither will Kurt and Roxanne will never agree on that.”

“We have to do something!” Thomas said and we all turned our head to him. I understood what Francis said to him about Thomas being a rebel. He had it in his eyes, the will to fight, the conviction that this was the right thing to do. He was braver than I was in the past months.

“We can't let that happen. She is ruling over our lives for years now and, okay, we have a good life here when we follow the rules but it's no life at all. We aren't allowed to love, aren't allowed to show any emotions, no jealousy, nothing. We have to control ourselves and act like puppets. And what about our freedom? Our freedom to go, to decide what we want to do. Many of us have families out there, friends. Many of us have dreams we want to make them true. And we all wait for...” I stared at Thomas with wide eyes, staring at him and pleading he wouldn't say a word about Roxanne being my mother. Kurt had no idea and no one ever mentioned it when he was around. Kurt couldn't know and be more worried than he already was and he shouldn't find it out this way. I had to be the one telling him about that.

“... for a miracle to happen.”

We were silent for a while, staring at him or our mugs and Santana broke the silence.

“He is right, you know. I mean, Kurt and I have a good life here but I don't want to spent the rest of my life here.”

“And what should we do, Santana? The moment one of us stands up against her can also kill himself because she'll do it,” Maurice said.

“Talk to her? We are so many here if we all stand up against her she has no chance,” Thomas said with so much conviction in his voice and a smile on his face: “If we all want the same thing, if we all fight we can only win.”

“You don't know her Thomas. Not as good as I do or all the other people around my age,” Claire sighed and I saw Julia and Philipp nodding: “You are young, you want to be free I understand that but we can't just go against her without a plan.”

Julia and Philipp jerked their heads to Claire, staring at the grinning woman with surprised and open mouths.

“So we'll do it?!”

“Well, what do you guys think?”

My heart was running fast as I saw them all nodding, Thomas jumped, cheered and ran to Claire kissing her on the cheek and it was like... like we all agreed on going on a war. It was like the burden on my shoulders became less and although they all agreed I saw how some of them still didn't believe that they were actually doing this.

“But not today. We'll wait until she is gone and then we all think about something together.”

Suddenly they all were talking loud and at the same time. I was frozen, staring at them and not really believing that this will happen. That we will all together go against my mother and not only waiting for me to make a move.

“Blaine, can we go to your room?” Kurt whispered in my ear and dragged me out of my thoughts.

“Of course,” I breathed, looking at his tired face and took his hand.

 

* * *

 

We left them in the kitchen, walked up the stairs and went into my room where it was just quiet and the sunset flooding the room with a warm light. Holding his hand I followed him to my bed, we both sitting down and I leaned over to him placing a kiss to his cheek and smiling as he blushed. Yes, he looked much more better with a bit color on his pale skin.

“What else happened? I see how exhausted you are.”

My love bit his lower lip and avoided my eyes for a while, breathing in and out and then looking at me with watery eyes. Oh... fuck.

“Kurt... you are scaring me.”

“I'm just happy that I have you. I... I dreamed for so long to leave this place but I never thought it would come true. I dreamed about flying away and live, you know.”

He still scared me because all this talking about going and being free was so far away from me because of all the stuff that happened with my mother and Henry.

“And...” he sobbed and tears began to fall down his cheeks: “..and I know with you I can be free.”

“Hey, don't cry Kurt,” I whispered, feeling a bit helpless and honored because he was opening up to me, showing his feelings but him crying made me so... I had no idea what to do. I wiped his tears away, kissed his damp cheek and held him close.

“Of course you'll be free. We all will be. I promise. I know... I promise a lot but I will keep all my promises.”

He chuckled and his watery chuckle warmed me up from the inside. Good god, this must be a good sign, right?

“It's not only that, Blaine,” he pulled away, looking into my eyes and running his fingers through my hair, caressing my face and kissing me sweetly, so sweet I had to hold back the moan which crawled up into my mouth. This was... different... better, more true, raw, honest like his heart just fell out of his chest into my hands and hoping I would hold it close and safe so no one could ever touch or harm it. He held my, simply held me and whispered into my ear, cheek to cheek.

“The night when we made love... our first night... you showed me how much you loved me. You showed me that love exists and how much it can heal my soul. How much hope it can give," he paused for some seconds: "I never thought it could feel like this... while sleeping with someone. I never thought I could have such a bond with someone... and I never thought someone could make me fall into happiness with just one touch, one kiss. The way... you touched me and... only cared about me... only me. I never knew I could feel like this... or feel so much for someone and someone for me."

I felt dizzy... so dizzy because he made me so happy that I didn't know if I should cry with him or kiss him senseless. Because yes! Yes, all I wanted to give him and show him was just this and knowing I was able to do it, I made it right made it hard to breath for me. I was happy, so happy and so in love with him that it could only be a sin.

“I love you for that and... I love you,” he whispered, sniffed and I squeezed him closer, nuzzling against his neck and breathing his scent in.

“I love you too.”

He moved back, kissing me again and holding my face. His lips were wet, his face was wet but I didn't mind at all. I would always kiss him no matter if he was crying, yelling, laughing or sleeping. I would always kiss him.

“You scared me... really. You looked so exhausted I thought something happened. Something that Santana didn't mention.”

“No. Not yet. But it doesn't matter. Whatever happens... as long as you love me and...”

And there was his old behavior again. The Kurt that had such troubles to open himself up but hoping I could understand him anyway. I smiled and he tried it again, not opening our eyes, just holding each other, foreheads touching.

“I love you I know we... we'll be free one day.”

Yes, we would be free. We would leave this place, go to America and live our dreams together. We would grow old together, maybe find people like us and become a family? God... how much I wished we could start to live like that tomorrow. Until now all I could do was humming in agreement and kissed him, whispering: “Come what may.”

And Kurt smiled against my lips.

“Come what may.”

 


	12. Mine. Yours. Ours.

 

Chapter 12. Mine. Yours. Ours.

 

I was swimming in love. I breathed it, tasted it and needed it like air. Kurt's words burned into my heart and never left me. Although nothing changed around us, although hell was around us it kept me sane and focused. There were only three days left. Three days and my mother and Henry would be gone for three weeks. Then we all could be who we really were, say what we wanted to say, do what we wanted to do without being afraid someone might caught us and punish us. Or worse, kill us. Kurt and I could walk around, hands holding, kissing whenever and wherever we wanted to, hug each other, say what we wanted to say and just be. I already planned so many things that I wanted to do with Kurt. Like going into the garden and enjoy the summer sun or watching the stars at night in his room. We could pull the curtains from the pavilion and lay there, close and counting the stars or just watch them. Whatever we planned to do I only cared about that he was with me.

But this didn't mean I shrugged everything from me.

I know it was not possible that Henry knew about and Kurt and me but what he did to Kurt made me so mad. He didn't agree on Kurt's deal but he insisted that Kurt should spent the last three days with him. Like all the damn time and I had to play for them on my violin. This was nothing new, but it was different.

He asked Kurt out, about what roles he dreamed to play, what it feels like to be with a man, if he was afraid of living such a life so the world could see it. He always answered with a polite yes or no and tried to avoid long answers not to give Henry any ideas or wrong impressions. Kurt was calm, acting perfectly although I knew he felt uncomfortable and annoyed. I wished I had a bit of his talent to show such a face because my blood was boiling. All these questions were too personal, none of his business and his pleased damn smile each time he got his answer made it hard for me to stay still and play on my violin. It was a torture for me but it got worse.

 

It was the day before Roxanne and Henry would leave us for three weeks. It was the last day of July and we were sitting in the garden, surrounded by the beauty of the nature. So many times I wished Kurt and I could have been there when the flowers began to blossom and the green leaves were filling the trees. We would just lay there, holding each other and talk about everything and nothing. I would be amazed by his eyes, how blue they became when he was looking into the sky while the sky was jealous. I would touch his beautiful skin and watch him blush and smile shyly. It would be only us and no one else. But we never did that. Of course not. Not with my mother around.

And watching this, my mother, Henry, Kurt and Santana sitting around a white table and drinking tea and talking made me almost lose myself.

“You have really beautiful skin and the sunlight makes it look even more beautiful,” said Henry while his hand was resting on Kurt's. My hands kept on playing while my eyes didn't know where to look. Staring at them made me furious and all I wanted was to shove his hand away and tell him that he had no right to touch Kurt. He didn't have the right to even say those things to him and try to whatever he wanted to achieve.

“I take a lot of care of my skin,” he smiled, like really and it was so hard for me to tell if he was acting or not. But I knew, I just knew that he was acting. I saw how good he was at it. Kurt didn't take his hand away, didn't show any wince, nothing like it was something he did everyday with Henry and it made me even more furious.

“I can see that. Like Roxanne and Santana. You two could be her kids,” he smiled at Kurt and Santana and finally took his hand away from him.

Yeah, I thought, and then she would just leave them alone in their misery and be the selfish woman she decided to be. But my mother smiled with proud? She smiled proudly and nodded: “I really do see them as my children. I'd do anything for them.”

A cold, hurting feeling snapped inside of me, running from my heart up to my eyes, head and making me feel numb. Yet, like nothing happened I kept on playing and my ears fell shut, my soul fell shut and I didn't look at them, or Kurt, or anything else. I stared into nothing and tried to keep this feeling inside of me, tried not to look like her words did something to me. My hands were just moving, playing and all this anger, all this disgust I felt for her burned inside me. She couldn't be there for her son, for her husband, for her family. She considered two people who were working for her, who she kept here and forbid them to love or be free while calling them her children? She decided to call two people she knew for some years, never saw them as babies, as children, never saw them growing up as her own while her son didn't understand why she left, why she stopped loving him and his father. Her son which she had inside her body for nine months, her own flesh and blood. This woman was cold, so cold and all I wanted to do was to tell Kurt about this. I had no idea if he knew about her family or if he felt the same way for her like she did for him and Santana. I just hoped it wasn't like that.

After an hour they finally decided to go back inside, pack their stuff because they had to stand up pretty early the next day. My mother stood up, smiling at Santana and holding her red dress up so it wouldn't touch the ground. Her black hair was smooth that day, making her neck longer, her shoulders thin and her pale skin looking even more pale. It wasn't as beautiful as Kurt's skin. No, Kurt had the most beautiful skin ever. The two women walked ahead and I stopped playing, watching Kurt stand up and Henry right after him, taking Kurt's hand in his and placing a kiss to his knuckles. There it was again, this strong, burning feeling that made me almost growl because he wasn't allowed to touch him or even press his lips at any part of Kurt's body. It was not his position, he was not allowed and he didn't even ask Kurt if he could do that. My boyfriend was calm, smiling and looking at him sheepishly. _He is acting, he is acting,_ I thought over and over trying to be calm, trying to ignore it. Trying everything so I wouldn't just run to Henry and punch him in his stupid face. He whispered something and smiled at Kurt, leaning over to his cheek and for a second I thought he wanted to kiss it but then he moved back and left, leaving Kurt and me alone. Still I couldn't talk to him or go to him and do what I was allowed to do. All we could do was exchanging looks and he mouthed a _sorry_ and followed them.

 

Walking back to my room I still felt this strange feeling inside me. Francis called it jealousy but I told myself it couldn't be. There was no reason for me to be jealous because I knew Kurt loved me and wanted to be with me. He told me that I made him feel like he could leave this place, I made him feel loved, safe and I gave him hope. No one else but me could give him this and only he could give me all I wanted and needed in return. But even when I knew our bond was strong, that we loved each other it didn't stop the feeling inside me. It was burning, it made it hard for me to think straight or at all. All I wanted to do was to punch Henry's stupid smile off his face and tell him that Kurt belonged to me and he wasn't allowed to touch him. Hell, he wasn't even allowed to look at him so much he pissed me off. This feeling was so strong, so hot and at some point it scared me, then it made me numb and then it almost drove me crazy.

I already broke one rule and could barely hide my love for Kurt. We wanted to break the other rule – get our freedom no matter what my mother would say or do. I knew I shouldn't love him here, I knew I shouldn't talk and dream and finally fight for our freedom but I couldn't help myself but break those rules. And they broke me, somewhere deep inside they broke a part of me and made me desperate, weak but I ignored it, never talked about it and never ever put them on display. I knew we would make it. I knew it deep down. But if Francis was right, if I was jealous... honestly... I didn't want to think about it what it could do to me, to us. They all said it was dangerous, they all said jealousy was the most dangerous thing a person could feel. Jealousy could ruin everything they said and I... I was scared that it could ruin everything.

For me.

For them.

For us.

 

Evening came quickly and I waited inside of my room for Kurt. I knew my mother already said her goodbye to Kurt and Santana and wouldn't visit them again, so I wondered what took him so long. I didn't want to go back and look after Kurt because if my mother saw me and asked me what I was doing there I wouldn't have a good explanation. Still I was worried because Kurt never came late and it drove me crazy. What if something happened? What if Henry was the reason? During the day he was so attentive towards Kurt. A bit too much and maybe this wasn't done yet. Maybe he wanted to see Kurt again? Maybe he wanted to talk more or... do something? Although I never had the impression that he was at any point interested in guys or anything like that today I noticed how wrong I was. Sure, maybe Kurt was right and this was just Henry's way to show his support for Kurt or something like that. But it didn't even matter why he liked or not. What mattered was that he came too close and I hated it. Actually it took me by surprise just how much it did something to me. How much it hurt, bothered and angered me. I knew Kurt slept with other men while we were together, or at least did things with them he only should be doing with me. It bothered me, of course it bothered me and made me feel sick but I was able to handle it, to deal with it because... because I never _saw_ it. I was completely aware of his job, what he was doing... but never felt anything close to this I felt when I saw it happening. Imagining things and actually seeing it were two different things and what they did to my mood, my heart was out of my expectations. 

I wished Kurt didn't have to do that. I wished he would just stop doing that and only be mine. Kisses, hugs, lovely words, true words, taking care of him, make him feel beautiful and loved, I could give him all of this and I wanted to be the only one able to do this. No one else, no Henry, no other guy that wanted a piece of Kurt. Only me and also this scared me. I loved him so much, I needed him so much that I was afraid my actions could turn into something that didn't happen because of my love for Kurt but because I wanted it, needed it. I feared that my actions could all turn into something... selfish while all I wanted to do was because I loved Kurt. Loving a person meant to do anything so that this person was happy no matter what it was the person needed to be happy. If it meant to leave him I would do it, if it meant to let him go because someone bought him free I would do it. If someone, something else made him happy and I wasn't part of it I had to let him go. This was love, doing everything for this one person so he or she could be happy.

Could I do that? Would my mind always be so clear that I would always decide what was the best for him no matter what it meant for me?

I ran my hand through my hair and stared at my feet, exhausted, feeling somehow defeated. My eyes moved back to my door, waiting for something, I sound, that someone would come in but nothing happened. It was silent, one candle was burning and suppressed a little bit of the darkness. My mind was such a mess I wanted to cry because of that. I was not jealous – I told myself – I only missed him even more than I used to. After Kurt told me all these things I made him feel I couldn't help myself but love him more and... it gave me certainty. Not that I really needed any certainty but with Kurt saying those things he gave me new strength. I promised him I would be strong and I promised to bring freedom and – I took a deep breath – Kurt knew exactly what he was doing as he told me all those things. He knew he was giving me strength, he knew and he wouldn't let me take this road alone. I smiled weakly, felt the burning behind my eyes and pressed my hand against them. Kurt knew that his silence made it hard for me, he knew so much more than I thought he did. This realization hit me so hard I began to cry because for the first time I truly understood what it felt like being loved. Not just love someone but being loved too. His walls fell just for me. He gave up his self protection just for me. He did so much without much words just to make sure I felt what he felt for me. How could I have been so blind and no see it when it happened?

I didn't hear how my door opened, I didn't hear his footsteps on the wooden floor. I cried silently, covering my eyes with my hands and as I felt how he sat down on my bed, how he placed his hand on my chest right over my heart he realized that I wasn't alone anymore. He took my hand away from my eyes, kneeling on the bed and being above me and I only saw him through a blurry view because there still were tears in my eyes. His thumbs wiped my tears away kissing my forehead and I blinked until my view was clear again and I could see his warm smile. Without saying a word Kurt laid down next to me and pulled me close, his arms around my body and just holding me while he kissed my hair, my temple and I pressed myself against his body until we both fell asleep.

 

 

* * *

 

The next day we both kept being close to each other for some strange reason. It was like this love we both understood made it almost impossible for us to be apart for a long time. We weren't even kissing much or doing anything that could disturb other people. We just... were. Shoulders touching, hearing the other one breath, hands holding, knees or legs touching, just to make sure from time to time – while we talked with others, while we laughed with all the other people – that the other one was here. We were allowed to do that and probably, because Henry and my mother were gone we needed and wanted to do that. We woke up together, showered together, helped Claire to make breakfast or lunch. But he was always right next to me like, if he or I would only take one more step further away it could hurt us.

I think it happened because we knew we only had three weeks of this freedom and because we both understood just... what love was. What this love between us was. We wanted to enjoy and use each second of it. After lunch I took Kurt to the garden where I always wanted to go with him. Only the two of us, laying in the grass between the flowers and watch the blue sky, the white clouds or just each other. Or we could lean against a tree and I would hold him or he me. It didn't matter what we were doing here as long as we just were here.

I was sitting on the grass and leaning against a tree, hiding ourselves from the hot sunlight. Kurt laid between my legs, his head on my belly while I stroke his hair with my fingers and with the other hand I held his, while he looked through the leaves to the sky. But my eyes were only watching him, watching his eyelashes flutter, watching him breath, feeling his soft hair and skin. Everything was so calm, so perfect I wished we could do this everyday.

“We could go to England, you know?” Kurt sighed and gave my hand a squeeze.

“I thought you wanted to go to America,” I smiled.

“I want to... but... I also want to see where you lived and what your life was like.”

Imagining I could show him where I lived and what my life was like before we met warmed my heart up. And I wanted to see the places where he grew up before he came here. I wanted to connect our lives as much as possible.

“Will you tell me about it?” he asked me and I looked down at him with raised eyebrows.

“Tell you about what?”

He moved his head back, looking up at me: “Remember how you told me about I was one of the reasons you are here?”

Oh... this. I totally ignored the fact that I still had to tell Kurt about this. About my mother and my father and why I came here at the first place and probably now was the only moment I could tell him about it. She was gone and so was Henry and they wouldn't come back in the next three weeks. We had time to talk about it, I had the time to explain everything and when he knew all of this he could maybe help me. But... this meant I would put him into more trouble then we already had.

“I remember and... I... I think it's really about time.”

I watched him move off my belly and sit down towards me still holding my hand and looking at me with a calm expression.

“I told you about how my mother left us and it was only me and my dad. She left us when I was... eight and we both didn't understand why. You know... we were happy, like really. My dad was a teacher, very smart, very kind and loved us more than anything. My mom was a wonderful mother and it was all just fine. But then she left us one day in October and never came back. We waited for days, weeks and eventually years but she never came back. I gave up on her and didn't expect her back through the years. But my father did.”

I smiled and held Kurt's hand with both of mine and ran my finger over his skin, his palm.

“He told me about her everyday. How much he loved her, how loving someone and be loved in return was the best thing on this world. He... believed in love with all his heart, with his whole being and he never stopped believing in it or loving her.”

I wondered how he did that. Of course I knew and saw how much it hurt him that she wasn't with us anymore but at the same time he was so much alive, so optimistic although he broke day by day. I believed in his words, in love and all this stuff but I just wished he had found another love and not... wait for someone who forgot us.

“We moved on and I focused on being a violinist. I played in theaters, on the streets, everywhere but mainly in theaters and had a good job. Then, last year my father died and left fourteen letters for my mother and asked me to fulfill his last wish. To find her and give her the letters.”

“Now I know from where you have all these thoughts about love,” Kurt smiled and I smiled back and watching him taking both of my hands into his. He moved closer, kissing my cheek and nuzzling against it to encourage me to speak on.

“I began to look for her, talked with people who knew her and where she might be. Many told me that she wanted to become an actress and left England. I followed all the hints and ended up here in the nightclub.”

“She is here?”

I nodded and looked down at our hands. This was it, this was the moment he would know who I was, who Roxanne was and why I was here in the first place. I tried desperately to imagine how Kurt would react but I couldn't pick out one thought that seems to be the most possible to happen. Inhaling deeply I caressed his fingers and said: “Her name is Rose Anderson.”

“Rose... we don't have someone here named Rose. And never had.”

Uh, yeah. Francis said she changed her name back then and almost everyone knew her under the name Roxanne. Ha, of course she made sure not everyone knew who she once was or what she did.

“No. Not anymore. She changed her name.”

I took one last deep breath, squeezed his hands and he held mine stronger and then I looked back into his eyes and said: “It's Roxanne.”

Kurt looked at me like I was kidding, eyes wide, head between his shoulders and not moving at all. I wasn't sure if he wanted to say anything or waited for me to explain more so I kept on talking because this silence made me even more insecure.

“She came here ten years ago. Actually she wanted to go to America and become an actress but you know... this place is full of sins and she found it here and never left. She was a courtesan, like you and after the owner died she owned the nightclub and changed...”

“Yeah...”, Kurt breathed, nodded slowly and stared at our hands: “I remember how people talked about how she changed.”

“That's why I couldn't find her. I found her because of Francis. We met each other by accident and it was Claire who told me the whole story.”

We were silent again and then Kurt began to talk.

“She... doesn't know who you are?”

“No,” was all I said. It hurt, sure. Somewhere deep inside me it hurt that my own mother didn't notice her own son.

“Then... why haven't you told her about you? You wanted to find her.”

A deep sigh fell from my lips and I kissed his knuckles, smiled at him and said: “I wanted that, yes. But it's not that easy. Francis and the others asked me to help them, to change her and the life here. I'm her weak point, you know.”

“You want to... help us? All of us?”

I gave him a weak nod as an answer and then he crawled closer to me, pulling me into a tight embrace and kissed my cheek before he whispered, right into my ear: “Why haven't you told me that Blaine? I can help you.”

“I... I already took you into enough trouble. I... I thought that... that this would be too much for you. Being worried about me and... you are so close to her and friends with her I don't want you to hate her or something.”

Well, some weeks ago I didn't worry about that at all. Some weeks ago I had no idea that he really loved me, how much he loved me and that he wasn't playing with me or acting. Of course I had my doubts, of course I was sometimes filled with doubts and careful. But now I had no single doubt about Kurt and what he felt for me. And... telling him all of this made me feel like I could breath again. There was nothing I had to hide anymore. There was nothing he didn't know. I told him everything and with Kurt, holding me so close and asking why I didn't tell him about it... good god, I was so happy to have him. He made all this burden, all this I was carrying with me easier.

“I'll always be worried about you.”

I wrapped my arms around him, held him close and kissed his shoulder. It felt easier, so much easier that I almost began to cry.

“And just so you know,” said Kurt and moved back so we were looking at each other: “I'm friends with her, yes. But this doesn't mean I agree on everything she says. What she did to you and your father was not right and what she is doing here isn't right either.”

“You know... what hurt the most was that... he loved her. He loved her so much he never stopped loving her although she gave us up and chose to be here. I'm so... so angry about that and...”

Something inside me broke. Something that I kept hidden crawled to the surface of my soul and made me feel this... sadness, this deep hurt I had hidden for so long. It crawled over my heart, made it feel so heavy and sad that I thought I would break into many little pieces. The burn behind my eyes, the tars I tried to hold back were too strong and Kurt felt it. He saw what happened to my face and came closer, giving me a gentle kiss and held me together so I wouldn't break. That was all, he just held me, his hands ran up and down my back, soothingly and warm, keeping me together.

“He died... Kurt. He died and because of his broken heart... he left me with this... this... his wish and I find a cold woman who doesn't even notice her own son.”

There was a sob, there were tears and I clung on Kurt. I held him with my trembling hands, with my cold fingers and cried against his shoulder, while he soothed me, kissed my cheek and whispered, _let it out, it's okay._

“I hate her for this. I... hate her so much for what she had done to us... what she is doing here and... to you.”

“I know, Blaine.”

“I miss him so much... I... sometimes I want to ask him if I'm... if I do the right thing. Sometimes I just wish he would be here and... and tell me things will be fine.”

I couldn't speak anymore. My throat was dry and thick and hurt so bad that all I could do was cry against Kurt, let him hold me and hold him and just let it all out. All the hate, frustration, all the pain I hid inside of me because I lost my father and because my mother didn't care about us. She didn't care about anything at all and always hurt the people I loved the most. Always showing a smile, always being the one who was optimistic about the future, the one with strength and with a plan distracted me from all the emotions I kept inside of me. But now I broke into many little pieces , let it all out before it drove me mad and Kurt held the pieces together.

 

After my little break down we went back to my room. Kurt said to me how sorry he was what my mother had done to me and also that she considered him and Santana as their children. Which was not his fault at all and I never blamed Kurt for that, of course not. Inside my room I felt so tired, so exhausted that I fell into my bed and snuggled close to Kurt like my life depended on it. He just held my, ran his fingers through my hair, caressed my arm and kissed my forehead while I tried to be awake but I just felt so sleepy, so tired and sleepy that I barely heard his words.

“I'll help you, Blaine. We'll find a way and then we can live. Just you and I.”

I smiled and dreamed about our future. We would have a little house, somewhere outside the big city and cook together, read together, enjoy all the seasons together and live our dreams. I would play for him on my violin and he would act all his roles for me and ask for my opinion. I would go to his plays, be the loudest and most supporting fan, sitting in the first row. And at evening we would see each other in our house, lay in our bed and hold each other because we had everything we needed. Oh, how I wished we could start this life when I woke up.

 

 

 


	13. The Deal

 

Chapter 13. The deal

 

This night I dreamed about my father. My father who smiled at me and was happy for me and Kurt. I never knew what my father thought about two men being in love but I knew he wanted me to be happy. Kurt made me happy, happier than I've ever been in my entire life. We lived close to my father, each evening we had dinner together and during the day Kurt went to the theater with me and played his roles while I played the music for the play. Right after that we would walk back home, stop in some shady impasse and exchange kisses, make out and when it got to hot we ran back home and made love. It was such a simple, beautiful life that I wished I could sleep forever and finally be together with the people I loved the most.

But my father wasn't alive anymore and we weren't free. When I opened my eyes I was still in my room, Kurt next to me and his blue eyes watching me.

“Mornin,” I mumbled and snuggled closer to him, pressing my lips against the skin of his neck and heard him laugh, feeling the vibration against my lips.

“Sleep some more. The sun isn't even shining fully.”

“Mmh?” I hummed, leaning my head back so I could look into his eyes, around the still dark room and see the sky wasn't dark anymore but it was dark blue, purple and on the horizon red. It must have been something around 5 at the morning and obviously way too soon to stand up.

My head fell back against the pillow and my eyes to Kurt, watching him smiling peacefully, his bed hair stuck to his forehead and making him look so adorable and gorgeous.

“Why aren't you sleeping?” I asked him still sleepy while my fingers ran through his soft hair.

He held himself up with his elbow, looking down at me and his other hand took mine away from his hair, kissing my knuckles: “You looked so peaceful and beautiful... I wanted to look at you for a while.”

“I'm not... beautiful compared to you.”

It wasn't like I had no self esteem or that I hated myself or thought I was ugly. Nothing of that, but compared to Kurt and his talent and just how beautiful he was and what he did to me with one simple smile I wondered, how did I get so lucky. I knew I was talented and I knew I looked good but compared to him I felt like I could never do him justice and never keep up with him. Not that I needed to because I knew he loved me for who I was, for everything I was. Yet, he was better than me, for me.

He looked at me like he didn't believe me, smiling and said: “I think something happened inside your head yesterday that you think that.”

He held himself up, both hands beside my head and I moved to the middle of the bed so he could lay on me.

“You are beautiful. Don't think you are not.”

He kissed my forehead, my nose, my lips and I smiled against his lips. If I was beautiful for him it was enough for me. Kurt kept kissing me, not even trying to stop and for some reason we both chuckled, smiled or giggled while we kissed each other. I felt drunk, drunk because of the kissing and the happiness I felt looming inside of me. Our eyes were closed, my hands on his back, his on mine shoulders and between kisses we nuzzled against the face of the other, gently, just because we could do that.

“I wish each morning could start like this,” I hummed, feeling his smile against my cheek.

“We have three weeks to enjoy this every morning.”

“Mmmh... three weeks aren't enough. But we should make the best of it,” I grinned and moved so that he was sitting on my lap and feeling what I meant. He gasped when my half hard cock touched his through the fabric of our pants.

“I thought you were tired?” he laughed and began to unbutton my shirt.

“I can sleep later,” I said and leaned forward, placing my hand on his back to keep him from falling and as I was sure he wouldn't fall I began to undress him. He looked deep into my eyes, giving me one last smile and then kissing me again. Not gently, not lazily but with passion and love, deep love. His tongue darted out, nipping at my lips and who was I not to let him in. Our shirts fell to the floor and we placed our hands on the skin of the other. Just touching, just running over the warm skin to feel it, to know that this was real because after our first time we never got the chance to do something even close to this again. I loved how he ran his slender fingers through my hair or just held my face and kissed me slowly on my lips, temple, nose, everywhere. Or when he just looked deep into my eyes, smiling so warm and happy. It were all those small things I loved to see him doing because then I knew things were fine. And now, being able to do even more wasn't just some act to get pleasure or relieve. I promised to myself that, whenever we could have sex with each other I wanted to make sure he felt my love for him even more.

I kissed his chest, right above his heart and opened his pants and he moved into my touch, his fingers running through my hair. Kurt was humming happily, his heart beating strong and fast against my lips and then he slowly stood up and took his pants off. I did the same, sitting naked on my bed and shoving the white blanket away as he came back with the lotion we both kept in our rooms. Back on my lap, completely naked he bowed down, kissing me, biting my lower lip gently until our tongues were dancing again. After our first time I was more confident with doing this and doing it right. While we kissed, while we panted and moaned into each other mouths I poured some of the lotion on my fingers and slipped my hand between Kurt's legs, pass his balls and stroked over his entrance. He moved down, moving his hips with my fingers and held my face, pressing his lips against mine and breathing through his nose. I teased him with the tip of my finger, slowly sliding inside, feeling the tightness, the heat and went further, slowly.

“Blaine..” he moaned.

“Lean back,” I whispered and kissed him when I saw his confused look. Eventually he just smiled, trusting me and leaned back, holding himself up with his hands and his knees beside me and his hard cock right in front of me. The sun was still only a small light on the horizon, making just a dim light in my room but I could still see his ribs, his chest moving up and down, his hard nipples and slowly I leaned down, licked the head of his cock before I swallowed him and worked my finger in deeper into his ass, feeling how he clenched around it. Kurt moaned, lustful, deep and moved his hips not sure if he wanted more of my finger inside him or more of my tongue which was circling around his cock. With my other hand I played with his balls, giving him more pleasure and judging by the sounds he made I did it just right. Thinking that he tasted so good, thinking how much I enjoyed sucking him, giving him all this pleasure, months ago I didn't even know this was possible but now I sat there and didn't want to stop.

“Oh god, Blaine!” he cried out when I used two fingers, then three and he was moving, faster, harder and still not sure what he wanted more. Eventually Kurt stopped moving, almost falling down because his arms were shaking and I took one last suck before I pulled him back on my lap, right into my arms. I ignored my throbbing cock, ignored how much I wanted to be finally inside him. Patiently I rubbed soothing circles over his back while Kurt trembled in my arms and held me like I was his lifeline, coming down although he didn't even come. After a while when he was breathing evenly his cheek left mine and his shining eyes, looked into mine. There was love, there was arousal, there was everything in his eyes and his smile. His hair stuck on his forehead, his fingers kneaded my neck gently and I kissed the corner of his mouth, nuzzling against his neck and just breathing everything in. Forgotten was my need to be inside him or how much it hurt to be this hard. What mattered the most was only this, this vulnerable and honest moment between us. He opened up and so did I taking the risk that he could break me and my whole being because he could stop loving me one day. Here I sat, holding him, feeling his fingers, his lips on my forehead and listening to his breathing, his heartbeat and knowing I could never be without him. My life wouldn't never ever be this wonderful like with Kurt. Closing my eyes I pressed my cheek against his chest and heard him humming: “I love you too.”

I smiled and he kissed me again, this time sweet, gentle and putting everything that words could never say into it. Straddling me he took my cock into his slick hand – I didn't even notice when he used the lotion – and lubricated it and that with a generous amount. We kept kissing, he stroked our cocks together for a while until he kissed my cheek, my forehead and raised his hips up and sank down, the head of my cock nudging his entrance and then, slowly, sinking inside the stretched yet tight ring of muscles. Kurt was back kissing me, my left hand held me up because I needed to lean back so that he had more space to sink down, deeper and deeper until his cheeks were flush against my lap. It was so hot, so tight, so perfect being inside of him, being one with him that I couldn't stop the long moan. Kurt began to roll his hips, his hard cock rubbing against my tummy, his hand on my shoulder and I moved with him, kissing his chest, licking his hard nipple and listening to the pretty sounds he made each time I thrust back inside him and hit the place that made him almost lose it. The bed was cracking, the sheets shifting and it didn't took long I felt his hot come in my skin. He came untouched, without any noise and I came too as his insides got tighter around me.

Shaking he held my shoulders while I pressed myself against his body, trying to catch my breath, trying to think straight and it felt like hours when he kissed my temple and brought me back to my senses.

“We're a mess,” he chuckled in a whisper.

“Mmmh, we can take a shower together. It would be a shame if your beautiful skin isn't clean for the world to see.”

“You mean for you to see.”

“Uh huh, that sounds better.”

 

We took the shower together and went back to my room not even thinking about to put some clothes on. It was still summer, it was still warm and we both were alone here so it wouldn't even bother anyone. With giggles and kisses we fell back on my bed and just did this, sharing our love with touches, with kisses and enjoying the little freedom we had for the next weeks. It was finally morning, the sun was shining and we heard the first people walking through the streets while we just lay on my bed, legs tangled and fingers running through the others hair or over the skin. It was so easy to look into his eyes, to smile at him without feeling any shame, without feeling any discomfort. Just love.

“Will you play for me? I mean the town is already awake so we won't bother those who still sleep.”

“Anything,” I said and kissed his nose.

“Mmmh, even naked?” he asked and tried not to smirk.

“Even naked,” I answered and rolled us over. He laughed when I pressed him down, pressed my lips on his and then jumped off the bed and took my violin into my hands. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IprPq6eGxAU>

As I began to play and watched Kurt, laying there on his stomach, completely naked and only the white sheets covering his ass I smirked at him and he began to smile as he heard the song.

“Blaine... oh my god.”

His hands covered his eyes playfully as I put on a serious face and danced around the room, knowing how ridiculous I must have look like. Naked, my dick swaying or jumping up and down while I kept on playing. Honestly, I didn't care. I was too happy to care about anything that was far in the future. All that mattered was us, Kurt laughing and enjoying this time we had together.

“Blaine, please...” he laughed and rolled around, still watching me. I shook my head and sat down, next to his head and didn't stop playing even as he looked at me, trying to convince me to stop. Yet Kurt gave in and sat down behind me, making sure not to hit my bow or my violin and kissed my shoulder, wrapping his arms around my body. Life was good. Life was beautiful.

 

* * *

 

“When do you want to do it?” he asked me when we walked down the stairs – fully dressed – to the basement to get some breakfast.

“What do you mean?”

“I'm talking about the letters. Well actually, when do you want to tell her who you are.”

“I'm... waiting for the perfect moment. I don't know much about her and she is... not really an open book.”

Of course I had no idea how this 'perfect moment' would look like or when it would happen. Right now though it didn't feel right.

“Blaine, wait,” he took my hand before I opened the door to the kitchen and I turned around, looking at him with raised eyebrows.

“Let me help you.”

“No way. I won't let that happen.”

“Why not?”

There was worry in his eyes and something else I couldn't really say what it was. Maybe he felt... helpless? Something like that.

“Kurt. I don't want you to get hurt or worse killed. And she can do it, you know she can. What if I tell her the truth and you are with me? What if she doesn't change and decides to kill one of us? I can't tell if she chooses her son or you.” No, I couldn't say that because I couldn't imagine what she would say and how she would feel about me. I was her son, I would always be her son and somewhere there must be my mother, right? I know she was cruel, I know she didn't give a single fuck about us but still... still I had this hope and it meant that maybe I got a chance to get out. And if she wasn't ready to change these rules, but had mercy with me it meant that Kurt could be in danger, hell we already were in danger. But by acting like we were not together, by not mentioning him or having him with me she would never know about us and Kurt was safe.

“I have to do this alone. If I'm able to reach out to her then nothing will happen to me. Maybe I can even change her. But... loosing you would kill me and I can't take that risk. I can't live without you.”

“What if she sends you away? What if we lose each other anyway? Blaine, I can't live without you neither.”

I pulled him into a tight embrace, holding him and kissing his cheek.

“I told you, I buy you free. I do anything to get you out of here, I do anything to help you and all the others.”

“Please, let me help you. I know her, I can help you.”

He squeezed me closer, he pleaded that I let him help me. Kurt hurt it as much as me to think he could lose me and on one side he was right. It actually didn't matter what I wanted to do or how I wanted it. We both got hurt, we both could lose something and maybe it was better to lose it together.

“I'll think about it, okay?”

But he wasn't convinced and it wouldn't stop him from helping me.

 

* * *

 

During our first week without my mother or Henry we did nothing else but being together. We went to the garden, to his room or my room. Reading together, sleeping together, talking about this and that and sometimes we dreamed about our future. Luckily Kurt never asked again if I was okay with him helping me and I was thankful that he didn't ask. Each evening we met with everyone from the nightclub and had dinner together inside of the theater. We laughed, we danced, we talked and enjoyed this little freedom we had. It was liberating not to see the red light burning and knowing Kurt had customers. Liberating to not see Henry or my mother. Liberating not to pretend anymore and act like Kurt and I were nothing but just friends.

One day we went to Kurt's room and counted the money he made during the past months and I was surprised about how much he made. He had exactly 100.000 francs and he told me that Henry left 25.000 in Roxanne's office – an advance because he wanted to support Kurt. I had something around 10.000 plus the 20.000 my father left for me. I never asked him how much he had to pay so his debts were paid but, that day he told me, that with his money and mine it would be more then enough.

“How much does she want for your freedom?” I asked him when I hid my money back under my bed, safe in my bag covered by several shirts and pants.

“I'm not quiet sure but... it must be something around fifty thousand. To buy you free she probably wants something around five thousand.”

Oh, wow, that was a pretty huge difference but it clearly showed what I thought about me and him. How precious and important he was and how simple I was.

“So, if it doesn't work out we can buy each other free next year,” I sighed and crawled back on the bed, resting my head on his lap and watched him as he said nothing. He only looked down at, running his fingers through my hair and I sighed. Well, I knew I would say it anyway so why waiting.

“Okay... I'll let you help me.”

“Really?”

“Really,” god he looked so adorable when he was excited: “But you don't do anything on your own and so won't I. We are in this together, like you said.”

“We are,” he smiled and kissed my lips. It was stupid to think I could reject anything he wanted from me and – I would never admit it – it felt good that he wanted to walk with me through whatever would happen.

 

The first week we all agreed on not opening the theater for our play which meant that Sunday was rehearsal day. I'd finished the song Maurice asked me to write and even had a text for it. Francis helped me a lot and it somehow turned into a song that let all our frustration out we felt for so long. Hopefully my mother would never hear this song because her name was in it and also some thoughts I carried with me, when I saw Henry and Kurt together. This song let it all out, everything we had to hide so we were sure she wouldn't kill us. Maurice was more than happy about that song and couldn't wait to see the reaction of the people during the break in our play. Around midday we were done with our rehearsal and the actors moved together, chatting, laughing and wearing their costumes.

“You have thirty minutes before we start!” Maurice shouted.

Putting my violin on my chair I went to the table with water and food and took a sip from my water, turning around and looking for Kurt. He wasn't between the other actors and Santana wasn't there neither. With the back of my hand I wiped the sweat away and kept on searching for them because it was unusual for both of them to be late. They were nowhere and I wasn't sure how to feel about that. They weren't between the other actors, or next to Francis or Julia. They weren't in the first floor and not on the stage and it made me nervous, almost scared. Where the hell was he? I left the hall, walking through the corridor – which leaded to the front door of the theater – and saw that the door was open. Thomas wasn't there or any other guardian which was also unusual and made me even more nervous. Slowly I walked to the front door and looked outside just to see something – someone – I doubted my own eyes. Thomas and another guardian took Henry's bags and walked back to the theater with him walking ahead.

No... no, no, no. Why was he back? Why the hell was he back and without my mother?

I swirled around and ran, I ran through the corridor back into the hall and warned them all before Henry was back inside. First they didn't believe me, stared at me like I was joking but I wasn't. Never would I joke about something like that. Francis shouted at them, dragging them out of their rigidity and all the calmness, the whole wonderful atmosphere turned into the tension we always felt when we couldn't be who we were or do what we wanted to do.

“Where is Kurt!? Did you see Kurt?” I asked Francis, tugging on his arm.

“He is in the basement, fixing his costume.”

Basement, Julia, he is under the the hall. I jumped on the stage, walked behind the curtains and opened the door to the basement. Almost falling I somehow made it to stand on my two feet and saw him sitting by the mirrors and sewing the brown pants he wore when he played Benjamin.

“Hey,” his face lit up when he saw me and it hurt even more: “I'll be up in... Blaine?”

Slowly he put the pants down, stood up and walked to me, framing my face with his hands.

“Honey? Talk to me.”

“He's back, Kurt. He is back.”

“Back? Who is back?”

“Henry.”

Kurt held his breath and I felt the jolt of shock which ran through his body. As I could move again and think I placed my hands on his waist, holding him too strong.

“Why is he back? He should be back in two weeks.”

Of course Kurt had no answer for this.

“I... I need to go to him.”

“No! You can't,” I shook my head and didn't let him go.

“Blaine, I have to. He will look for me anyway and we could get into trouble.”

I couldn't I didn't want to and he saw it in my eyes, in my face how much I didn't want this to happen. Two weeks, we were supposed to have two weeks more of our freedom, of our little bubble and be happy.

“We'll meet later. I promise I'll be with you tonight.”

And he left.

 

* * *

 

It was almost midnight and we still were sitting in the kitchen and not the way we used to be when my mother was gone. Usually we were laughing, drinking, singing, all these good things. But this time it was different and each one of us was upset. Thomas and Maurice were fighting with Claire about what they should do and what not. The two men obviously wanted Henry to leave while Claire told them how stupid it was because Roxanne would be furious if we did that. The whole nightclub would pay for it and we all could drink a glass with poison because she would kill us anyway. Philip tried to calm the three of them down but they only glared or snapped at him so he gave up after a while. Francis was watching the door and saying nothing while Julia ran soothing circles over my back because I was a mess. My head was spinning, my heart aching and my eyes burning. I felt the tears of anger and desperation trying to fall, trying to show them just how broken I felt although I had no idea what happened or why he was back. No, I felt like this because the time Kurt and I were happy about to have was gone. It was just gone, suddenly without any warning. We had two more weeks, two damn more weeks to be together, to love each other to just be free and no one could do anything against this. And now this asshole was back and ruined everything. And... for the first time I really wanted to kill someone. To kill him and it scared the hell out of me that I was ready to do such a thing.

We kept on waiting and waiting, but even after an hour they still weren't there. It was only me, Julia and Francis left while the other went either to sleep or back to the theater to make sure things were fine. All I could do was sitting there at the table and holding my head. Why wasn't he coming? What happened that he wasn't coming? Kurt promised me to be with me tonight. He said he would come back, come back to me and kiss me good night. The thought that this probably wouldn't happen broke me and the tears began to fall. I wasn't sobbing or whimpering, I was silent and let my tears fall while Julia still tried to calm me down.

Francis said something to her I didn't hear and left the kitchen.

“Blaine, you should go upstairs and wait for him in your bed. I'm sure he'll be there soon.”

Not trusting my voice I only shook my head and heard her sighing. All I could think about was him, only him and wishing he would just come back. Wishing he would be here next to me and not with this guys who was allowed to kiss his hand in public, to flirt with him to act like Kurt belonged to him. Because he didn't. Not one bit of Kurt belonged to him. He belonged to himself and he decided who could have him. That was me, only me and I would never share him. Never ever wanted I to share him with a guy like Henry. This rich guy who had no idea about life, who wanted to have Kurt because he was talented and beautiful. Support him? My ass, he probably was like any other guy, crazy about him, wanting him and couldn't stand it to stay three weeks away from Kurt.

At some point Julia stood up and left me alone in the kitchen, with one single candle burning. The door fell shut and then there was a different hand on my back, the hand I longed to feel. My head jerked back with so much force that my neck hurt but I couldn't care less.

“Oh, Blaine,” he whispered and wiped my tears away: “I'm sorry. I tried to be here sooner.”

It was Kurt, his eyes, his face, his pale skin and I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close so that the cold dark feeling inside me could go away. He was warm, he was my light and I was going crazy because he was just gone... so suddenly. It felt strange to not be with him although we should and were allowed to be. Perhaps it was because of this bond we both shared for a while now, that, whenever he was away from me, without us knowing it would happen that it made me feel like that. Lost, alone and with a hole in my heart.

“You are here now. You'll stay... right?”

“I told you I'll stay.”

Good, this was good. He would stay, he would sleep next to me and hold me.

“Wha... what happened? Why is he back?” Although I felt far too tired for this I needed him to tell me everything. I needed to know it now and not tomorrow. Because right now I was too exhausted and too happy to really understand anything but that Kurt was here.

His lips kissed mine, gently and his nose ran over my cheek, his lips close to my ear and I couldn't resist to kiss his cheek before he pressed it against mine.

“Promise me, you won't be jealous.”

“Kurt, I...”

“Please... tell me you won't be jealous.”

We both knew how impossible this was. Either someone was jealous or not. The only way to deal with it was if this person could control it or not, and, so far I never felt jealousy and never had a reason to be jealous and would never have. At least... I told this myself over and over again.

“I promise,” and I knew with this promise I had to accept anything. Anything he had to do. He took a deep breath, took my hands into his and squeezed them, trying to calm me down, to give me comfort. Showing me that he was here, that it was just as hard for him as it was for me to deal with all of this.

“I won't be, Kurt. I promise.”

“I have to sleep with him.”

 

 

 


	14. Tango Part 2

Chapter 14. Tango part 2

 

Being a courtesan meant to sleep with people, or at least give them some kind of pleasure when the customer paid for it. It meant that this person would never completely belong to you and only you. It meant that you had to be quiet when the courtesan was working. It meant to accept it, deal with it and wait until it was over. A courtesan wasn't allowed to love and not because it was a rule or a law between those people. It was just there to keep their sanity, to not ruin their job. They had their reasons why they were doing this. Yet, a courtesan, a prostitute, each person who followed this business would never really belong to someone. Some people could live with that, some people couldn't and I was one of them. At the beginning it was easy for me to accept it because my feelings weren't as strong as they were after being together with Kurt for months. Whenever he was working I told myself he never slept with other men, that he only let them touch him or something but never actually slept with them. But the more time passed, the more I couldn't stand the thought someone would actually touch him in a way only I was allowed to touch Kurt. Deep in my heart I wanted to run away with him and never ever let him do this again. Just run away, far away and never come back. I would have done that without a second thought but I'd made a promise and this one kept me here. And... I had agreed on this. I knew what he did. I knew his job and I told him I would deal with it. It was just hard... so hard to deal with it because my heart was crying, my whole being was burning and crying it felt like I would break down any second or do something really stupid.

And that it was Henry he had to sleep with made it even harder for me. I hated this guy, I really hated him.

“Remember the big news? Here it comes. Henry wants to open a second theater only for the special show. Nothing will really change but the fact that Kurt and I have to work at two places. Here as courtesans and there as teachers for the people Roxanne will buy for Henry. Teachers! Can you imagine that? Kurt showing a boy how to please a men and sucking cock and... ewww. No,” Santana complained. Kurt rolled his eyes, standing next to her while I and the others were sitting in the kitchen and listening to the reason why Henry came back.

“But this will only happen when Kurt sleeps with him, right?” asked Claire and I didn't even look up from my hands because I already knew everything. We went to my room and I asked him not to say anything else about Henry or a deal or something. All I wanted to do was sleep and feel him close. It was a restless night. I always woke up to make sure Kurt was still there and sometimes we both were awake and looking into each others eyes sharing a smile, a kiss and falling back to sleep. Then, when the morning came and the sun was rising we both stood up and he explained me everything while drinking a mug of coffee.

“Yes,” Kurt answered: “If I don't do it the deal won't happen and Roxanne wrote me a letter telling me I had to do this, otherwise he will ruin the club.”

I heard them all stop breathing, Maurice made an annoyed noise and Francis scoffed.

“I knew he was trouble the moment I saw him,” Thomas snarled: “We should just kill him and tell her it was an accident. That he fell down from the first floor and hit his head or something.”

“Don't be ridiculous. We can't just kill a person. Roxanne needs to make a contract with him. Sleeping with Kurt is no contract,” uttered Philipp.

“No. But if I don't sleep with him it'll be suspicious because it's my job.”

They agreed on that, not looking at me, not carrying about what I was thinking and I wasn't even mad or angry about that. In the past months I never made a big deal of Kurt's work or what he was doing inside his room. I didn't see it so I pretended that it wasn't bothering me or hurting me. However, now I couldn't pretend anymore and just accept it. Not when he had to sleep with Henry who could take Kurt away from me because he had the money, he had the power to ruin everything. I couldn't let that happen. He needed to go. Now.

While they all kept on talking I left the kitchen and walked back to the theater and sat down on one of the many chairs inside the huge, empty hall. It was all a mess. Everything was such a mess. I thought Kurt and I had three weeks for ourselves, just for us to be together, to do the things we couldn't do when my mother was here. I thought I didn't have to deal with Henry's stupid face for three weeks. I thought we could figure something out in those three weeks. Now everything was gone and a fucking mess. Kurt sleeping with Henry to safe us all? Sleeping with a guy who obviously felt something for Kurt, wanted something from Kurt, who – and I was pretty sure this was the case – wanted to have him, to call him his own and I should sit here and let that happen? For the sake of all of us, yes. But for my own sake? No.

Francis warned me not to be jealous. Kurt asked me not to be jealous. Jealousy... I thought I could control it, I thought my love for him would always be stronger than this dark, hot feeling which was running through my veins and made it hard to think. It was hard to control and before I would scream or anything I stood up and kicked my chair, then another, one more and ruffled my hair.

This was too much for me. Too much to handle and hell, I couldn't accept it. Letting him sleep with this jerk, with this filthy idiot. What kind of boyfriend was I?

I slumped down on a chair, sniffed and covered my eyes with my hands as I began to cry.

 

I don't know how long I just sat there and cried, but, at some point Kurt came and placed his arms around my shoulders and just held me. His presence calmed me down a bit yet not as much as I wished it would. Exhausted, powerless I rested my forehead on his shoulder and all my tears were gone. What was left were burning eyes and my aching head.

“I'm sorry. Please... don't cry.”

He could have said anything, like, he knew this would happen and I didn't believe him. He could blame me for being so optimistic and not even consider this to happen. But no, he said he was sorry and asked me to be strong.

“I don't want you to sleep with him... I can't... I don't want you to sleep with anyone but me,” my voice was rough from all the crying. Yeah, it was selfish from me to ask for something like this because it was his damn job to do this. Giving himself in for other men was Kurt's way to gain money.

“It's only one night. One night with him to get forever with you.”

Forever... how I wished forever would start right now. Kurt unwrapped his arms around my shoulders and took my hand, leading me to the stage, behind the curtains so that no one would see us if someone would come into the hall. Yes, of course, I almost forgot that we had to play our game again. Hiding, pretending, avoiding each other. His thumbs caressed my cheeks and it hurt a bit because my face was puffy and I knew I looked terrible. But he was smiling at me when I looked at him. He was always smiling at me because he loved me.

“You promised,” he kissed me and said: “Not to be jealous.”

“I know,” I whispered and kissed him again just to get a little bit more of this healing feeling: “But I can't stand the thought that you will sleep with him.”

“I don't want to. Blaine... I really don't want to. But if I don't do it we'll probably never be free. He is too close to Roxanne. So close it scares me. If I don't sleep with him he'll tell Roxanne about it and she'll know something is up. Once I got used to this job I never rejected a customer and if I do it now...”

“I understand,” I interrupted him, not able to hear more of this how he had to sleep with other men. Kurt sighed and kissed my cheek gently: “If I do this, he'll be pleased and maybe he'll leave again because he can't do anything without her and we have our play to perform so... we'll be busy anyway. And once she is back Santana and I will talk to her.”

I knew he had to do this. I knew we had to go back to our life we didn't want to live.

“When will you... with him?” I couldn't even say it.

“Tonight.”

“Okay...” my hands took his, squeezing them gently: “When... my mother comes back and you and Santana talked with her I'll... tell her who I am.”

“You are sure about that?”

“Yes. We... can't wait longer. We have to try everything and... if you and Santana don't succeed or I we still have all the others here. But, to be honest, I don't want our friends to turn into a group of rebels and who knows what will happen then.”

Kurt nodded and I looked down, scared, sad and unsure if this was the right thing to do. However, our choices were limited and letting Kurt go and do this... this was too much for me and I would do anything so he never ever had to sleep with other men.

“Blaine,” he whispered and I still wasn't looking at him: “You promised me you won't be jealous.” He whispered, right into my ear and I felt his lips against my cheek.

“Don't be jealous... don't let jealousy take over your heart.”

It was hard, so hard to ignore my jealousy, to not let it crawl over the surface. They all were right, Francis was right. I was jealous, so jealous and I was scared to show it... to even look at Kurt and show him how much it broke me and how hard it was to handle.

“I love you. Only you.”

Those words... they were important. This is was important and stronger. Love was always stronger than anything else. My father told me over and over again how beautiful and strong it was and that with love I could do anything and go through anything. The love I felt for Kurt was strong, it was everything for me and I trusted him, with all my heart.

“I love you too.”

He smiled, his forehead leaning against mine and I smiled back: “Don't forget that.”

“You know... it should be me telling you this.”

“Mmmhm. But... you changed me.”

I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that I changed him.

 

* * *

 

It was like a date, like a big deal that Kurt had to do this. They were cooking dinner, decorating the dinning room and it was almost like a king was here. Henry was anything but a king. He was an idiot, with a fake mask and making us believe he only had the best intention. Which were supporting Kurt and working with my mother so the nightclub grew even bigger. Luckily he didn't ask me to play for him and Kurt at dinner because I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself and probably kill him. Oh yes, I was sure I would do this when I couldn't control the burning jealousy. One thing that made me calm was that Thomas would be with them and keeping an eye on Kurt, although... he felt as much dislike for Henry than I did. Maybe it wasn't the wisest decision to chose him but Thomas knew he had to behave and control himself. After everything was done we were all together, sitting on the stage and chairs and waited. That was all we could do and I tried not to think about it, tried not to say anything... well, who was I fooling? My mind was always with Kurt.

“You know...” Santana said and I turned around, watching her walking up to me and sitting down beside me, wearing a nice, red dress: “I thought you would go crazy.”

“Tell me about it. I almost lost it,” I chuckled and looked down, watching my feet.

“You're doing good. Really. It's never easy to love a prostitute or courtesan. We've seen it over the years here and many people went totally insane. First there is this desire and you think you can deal with it, then you get suspicious, angry and you feel betrayed. Jealousy drove them mad and they forgot it's the job of a courtesan to sell their body. But you, my friend... you are doing good,” she bumped her shoulder against mine and gave me a warm smile.

“Thanks, Santana.”

“No need to. It's actually nice to see that... it doesn't end like I thought it would. Usually when you fall in love with a person like Kurt it always ends bad. And, honestly, I thought you would kill this idiot.”

I laughed tiredly and rubbed my eyes: “I was... really up to that. But I trust Kurt and I love him and I want us all to be safe.”

“Yeah, he told me about it and don't worry, I won't tell her who you are. Actually I think it's our way out of here. Well I'm not planning to leave this club but I'm tired of these rules.”

“You really think that?”

“I have no doubt,” she smiled at me and somehow there really was no doubt in her eyes.

“Do you think Henry and Roxanne will make such a contract?”

“I'm not sure. I hope he will leave us alone but you know, the moment Roxanne smells money she becomes totally insane.”

What was the point in all of this anyway? Kurt was with Henry and I really didn't want to think about what they were doing right now. But he went there to safe us all but it wouldn't really change anything. To please Henry didn't mean that the contract would never happen. It could all be... for nothing and Kurt slept with him for nothing but more pain, more lies. Sleeping with him meant pain for me and for Kurt and that Henry had the control over them all. Even over his mother.

I stood up, trying to calm the burning jealousy down and the deep, dark anger he felt.

“We have a dance!” I said loud and everyone in the room became quiet and watched me walking down the stage to take my violin.

“Dancing? Are you serious Blaine?” Maurice asked me as I took my violin, laying between the other instruments: “Your boyfriend is up there with this jerk and you want to dance?”

“You want a mad man, Maurice? A man who is jealous going up there?”

No, of course they wouldn't let me go there and ruin everything right now. We still had a plan, we still had a chance and I wanted to take this chance. I trusted them, I trusted them all and I trusted Kurt.

(watch?v=Te2MytD1Mlg)

“A dance about our life here,” I told them, loud enough so they all could here me and the pianist played deep tones and the guitarist with him: “A song about what many of us are going through.” He kept on playing low notes while the dancers stood up, walking to the dance floor and the musicians took their instruments around the stage. I gave Francis a look, jumped on the stage and heard the guitar and piano.

“A song about her, who made us live in a golden cage,” he said and took Santana's hand walking with her to the dancers. We needed to let everything. Everything we all were hiding. All the anger, all the sadness, everything. We began to play, the dancers presenting their performance, hard, fast steps, backwards, forwards. The way we practiced it, the way I wanted it to happen. The way we all were feeling.

“A song about how this life drives us mad,” Francis said with his deep, vibrating voice and dancing the tango with Santana. My fingers burning on the strings of my violin.

“A song for her to stop her madness.”

Silence and then he began to sing. The song that told everything.

 

 _Roxanne, you don’t have to put on that red light_  
Walk the streets for money   
You don’t care if it’s wrong or if it is right. 

_Roxanne, you don’t have to wear that dress tonight.  
Roxanne, you don’t have to sell your body to the night. _

 

I dropped my violin, walked down the stage, slowly through the dancers and sang. Everything that made my heart burn, that hurt me so bad, all the jealousy I wished would stop eating my soul and mind. They danced slowly.

 

 _His eyes upon your face_  
His hand upon your hand   
His lips caress your skin 

_It’s more than I can stand_

My voice louder, my hands running through my hair trying to keep my sanity although all I could think about was Kurt and what he had to go through. They sang with me and danced the tango of.

 

_(Roxanne)_

 

_Why does my heart cry?  
(Roxanne)_

_Feelings I can't fight._

_You’re free to leave me_  
But just don’t deceive me   
And please   
Believe me when I say 

I walked back to the stage, looking up to where I knew was the room Kurt was in and sang, hoping he would hear it.

_I love you._

I began to play again, feeling how my body was trembling, how everything went outside I was hiding so long, so hard. The dancers stopped, holding each other close and Francis spoke quietly:

 _And I who wants his life back; what am I going to do?_  
You rule over me...you treat me like a thing  
My soul has left me; my heart has left me   
I no longer wish to live because I cannot convince you   
To stop this madness you do, Roxanne. 

I played and played, quietly looking up and waiting for something. But no one came, nothing changed the hall was still without Kurt. No door opened, no one walked through the first floor. Nothing but our music, our breathing and I played louder, faster and stopped again to sing with Francis.

 

_(Roxanne – you don’t have to put on that red light)_

_  
Why does my heart cry?_

_Feelings I can’t fight_

 

_(You don’t have to wear that dress tonight)_

_  
(Roxanne – you don’t have to put on that red light)_

_  
Why does my heart cry?_

_  
(Roxanne – you don’t have to wear that dress tonight)_

_  
Feelings I can’t fight_

_Roxanne_

And we all sang, and we all danced and I played and played until my fingers hurt so bad I thought they would just fall off my hands.

 

* * *

 

After waiting for another hour we went back to our rooms – since Henry was back we didn't have to open the theater but follow the usual business as if Roxanne was back. I really didn't want to leave the theater or be too far away from Kurt but I had to go back to my room. Waiting for him was dangerous, stupid and he for sure didn't want that. We all were exhausted from the dance, the singing still my friends asked me if I needed some company. I only shook my head, smiled and said thank you but I wanted to be alone and wait. This song, this dance cleared my mind and I wasn't scared of myself anymore. The jealousy was quiet, my anger only a little flame because I knew, now it was done and I couldn't change it. Three hours ago Kurt went to meet him and it for sure already happened. However, I wasn't able to sleep or even think about sleep. All I did was sitting on my bed and starring out of the window, listening to the falling rain from the night sky. Thomas was with him and kept an eye on Kurt. There was no need to be worried that any harm could happen to him but it didn't change my need to see him. I had to see him and make sure he was alright, with my eyes, touching him with my hands and feel that he was alive and alright. All I just wished was that I could turn back time. Back before Kurt and I felt this much for each other. Then my mind was focused on two things and not only on one. Then, if I had talked to my mother and maybe changed her mind we would be free now, happy and able to be together whenever we wanted to. Right from the moment I saw him I knew we were meant to be and now I regretted that I didn't do anything months ago. My hands rubbed over my face as I sighed deeply and then I felt a shock as I heart fast steps running up the stairs, the door fell open and I stood up, seeing Kurt running inside, his hair a mess, his face tear-strained and running to me, throwing his arms around my neck.

“I couldn't”, he sobbed right into my ear, holding, clutching on my clothes and slowly I understood. He didn't sleep with him but he was crying. He was crying so bad, so hard it scared me although I felt relief. Kurt pulled back, looking into my eyes, touching my cheek and breathing too fast.

“It's okay... baby, you are here it's okay.”

“No,” he sobbed, aching for air and his voice: “I heard you guys. I heard you and I told him I couldn't do it. He heard you, he heard the song and he was furious. Blaine, he was so angry and without Thomas I –”

“It's alright. You are here, you are safe now.”

I pulled him back into my arms, pressed him flush against my body and let him cry and come down. I kissed his cheek, his neck, trying to do anything so he could feel me, realize that he was safe now. Thomas stood in the doorway, looking at us and I mouthed a thank you and he gave me a smile in return.

 


	15. Sacrifice

 

Chapter 15. Sacrifice

 

I tried to calm Kurt down, tried everything so he would stop crying and shaking and then I would go to Henry and... well I had no time to think about what I would do to him but it for sure wouldn't be nice. Right now the only important thing in my life was Kurt.

“Come, Kurt. Sit down.”

We walked to my bed, sitting down and he still cried, pressed himself against my body and I just held him, looking at Thomas like he had the answer what was going on or how I could help him. Kurt already cried right in front of me when he met with a disgusting guy but back then he didn't cry this hard.

“Henry knows it.”

Oh... now it made sense.

“I hit him with one of his silver candle stand as he grabbed Kurt and shook him, yelled at him how he could be with you and betray him. Like, he really believed Kurt was interested in him. And then he began to yell how he broke the rules and that Roxanne would kill him.”

“Yeah, well this won't happen because if she kills someone it will be me.”

Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said this because Kurt began to shake his head, holding me closer and whispering something that sounded like, _you can't die_ , and, _I need you_.

“I won't, Kurt. I'm sorry. Come, please, lay down and I'll be here, okay?”

Somehow he did just that. Still sobbing he let me push him down gently, right into the pillows and wrap the white blanket around his body. I held his hand, giving him a squeeze from time to time to show him I was here, that he wasn't dreaming and then I wiped his tears away, kissed him gently and he finally smiled at me, completely exhausted.

“Can you bring Francis and Claire here?” I asked Thomas, he nodded and went outside and I turned back to Kurt. God... he looked so exhausted, so tired and his eyes so red and his face must hurt from all the crying. Slowly and gently I caressed his forehead, put his hair back on his place and kissed him again, holding with my other hand his.

“I couldn't do it Blaine. I heard... heard you singing and it almost broke my heart.”

“Did he hurt you?”

Kurt shook his head and his thumb ran over my skin: “No. Thomas was there before he could do anything. But... he knows it Blaine. He knows about us, he knows that we are breaking the rules and he will tell her about it and she... she will-”

His lower lip began to tremble and new tears were filling his eyes.

“No, baby. No,” I moved closer, kissing his lips again and then leaning my forehead against his: “She won't. I won't let that happen and our friends are with us. Nothing will happen. You heard them, they will fight with us.”

“I'm scared, Blaine,” he whispered.

“Don't be. I'm here. I'll always be here,” I kissed his lips again: “I love you, Kurt. Remember that.”

“I love you too.”

As soon as he calmed down Kurt immediately fell asleep and got the rest he needed so bad. This bastard I thought when my mind went back to Henry but I didn't let the anger grow. Going there and punch him or something would be stupid because, right now, I needed to find a solution for this. He knew about us, knew that we were together and he knew the rules and that we broke two of them. We were in love, I was jealous and couldn't control myself and sang it all out so that he could hear me and I wanted to slap myself for this. Kurt should have been the only one hearing what I sang but I simply forgot that Henry could hear it too and now it was my fault that we were in this situation, that Kurt had to go through this. Everything felt like, and maybe was, my fault and it made me feel so weak because I couldn't protect the person I loved the most. Slowly I looked back at Kurt, leaned down and kissed his lips, whispering: “I'm sorry, love.”

 

Ten minutes later Francis, Claire and Thomas came to my room and gave me the same worried looked. Of course they wouldn't blame me, no, they would give me courage to move on and frankly, this was all I needed. Alone there was no way I would find the strength to go on.

“How is he?” Claire asked worried, walking to us and touching Kurt's forehead, sighing when she felt that he had no fever.

“I think he is doing better now that he is sleeping. He was so scared and exhausted.”

“Don't worry, boy,” she smiled and kissed my forehead: “He'll be fine soon.”

I hoped he would be. I never ever wanted to see him like this again.

“So... Henry knows it?” Francis asked and looked at Thomas and then at me and we nodded in response.

“Is someone with him? Taking care of him?” Francis asked Thomas and he mumbled something and nodded again: “Good. Okay, so... what now?”

“We should kill him and tell Roxanne it was an accident. There are enough creepy men walking around at night and would rob him without a second thought.”

Claire rolled her eyes, Francis narrowed his eyes and for me it was like... the only solution. He would tell her about us anyway, maybe even before she came back and then? I had no idea how she killed someone or if anyone would even see it. Was it a room somewhere in this nightclub? In some dark place of this town?

“Stop with your, we kill him stuff. We aren't like Roxanne.”

“Oh, so you will lean back and watch her kill Blaine? Because she obviously won't kill Kurt.”

“Of course not,” Francis hissed and looked at me: “We will wait now. It's not like he can do anything. He doesn't own this nightclub it still belongs completely to Roxanne. And hell knows where she is right now.”

Thomas was clearly dissatisfied. I knew how much he wished things would change and fast and I really felt him. I wished this nightmare would and as soon as possible.

“Kurt said he and Santana will talk to her when she comes back. If it doesn't work out I'll tell her who I am,” I said and Claire rubbed my back gently.

“For now I think... I mean... we can't change the fact that he knows about me and Kurt and, like you said Francis, he actually can't do anything against us but be a bigger jerk than he used to. So... we wait.”

I hated waiting. I hated it so much because this was all we did here. Waiting, waiting for the perfect moment to do something but it just never came and I told myself I wouldn't wait any longer. As soon as she was back I would do what I should have done months ago.

“We'll keep an eye on each other,” Claire said and I have her a tiny smile.

 

* * *

 

Of course no one was calm, no one acted the way we used to when my mother was gone. Everyone was cautions, everyone kept a close eye when Henry walked around – who recovered after a day from Thomas attack. It was all frustrating and I almost felt like we were back in our golden cage. Especially when Kurt woke up I felt just how frustrating this all was. I was laying next to him, watching him sleep, holding his hand and when he woke up, slowly he looked around until the memories hit him and he stared at our hands, then at me and calmed down.

“Got some rest, love?”

We never used those pet names, not much. Only in situations like this when we knew the other one was hurt or sad... or scared.

“A bit,” his sleepy voice said and then he turned to his side, facing me and pressing himself against my body.

“I'm sorry, Kurt,” I whispered, kissing his forehead and holding him close.

“Don't be. We both knew it wouldn't be easy and asking you to not be jealous wasn't fair,” I felt his breath against my neck and closed my eyes just inhaling his scent. The fresh wind, the sunshine, this purity. For me he was so pure like the first snow in winter.

“I'm afraid I'll break the last rule too.”

Oh, it took me by surprise that I said that out loud because I really tried to ignore that thought that kept bugging me for a while. Well now I couldn't take it back or say it's nothing. We promised to tell each other everything, no matter what it was. We promised we wouldn't lie to each other.

“You want to... run away?” Kurt asked quietly, moving his head back so he was looking into my eyes, caressing my cheek with his thumb.

“If we could... I would do that. Right now and never looking back. But I made a promise.”

Running away just to be with him forever was what I really wanted. Only us somewhere in America and do what we wanted to do. I dreamed about those days a lot but then I remembered my friends, my mother and although I loved Kurt more than anything on this world, although I only needed him to be happy I also was a man of my words. And he understood that. My precious, beautiful, talented boyfriend understood it without any words.

“Kurt, I was thinking and... I don't want us to hide our relationship. I mean when my mother is back of course we'll do that. But... Henry knows it anyway and like you I'm scared too.”

I moved closer, pressing my face against his shoulder and just holding him and he held me, only nodding, no words, nothing because we both knew maybe this moment could be our last together. Maybe tomorrow I wouldn't wake up and find myself somewhere else. Heaven, hell or whatever. I doubted it would happen soon, but it was possible.

“I'll never leave your side. I promise.”

“I won't leave yours,” I said and we stayed like that for a while, only holding each other, only wishing this would be over soon. That we all could be free soon.

 

* * *

 

We did what we say. During the next week we weren't hiding. Roxanne wasn't back and Henry didn't show up. Three of us always took care of him, gave him food and stuff he needed but he never left his room. Which was good but we still didn't open the theater again. It was better to focus on the future instead of playing something. And I didn't want to see that play because it scared me even more.

 

_Elisa, a beautiful woman married to the rich guy Louis and having a good life. He was able to give her everything she wanted and make sure their life was perfect. So far money could make life perfect. Until Elisa meets Peter, a simple guy, not rich but had enough money to buy food and pay his rent shows her what life is really about. And so they fell in love. The kind of love everyone wants. True, strong, making your heart run so fast you almost can't handle it. All your dreams are about this person, all you need to smile is imagining your love. Eventually she has an affair with him, addicted to the love she wished she could have and gets pregnant. Still they keep meeting each other while she stays with her husband together with her son Benjamin, pretending it is Louis' son._

_Sixteen years they are able to meet, to hide their love although they wished nothing more but to show the world how much they loved each other. Until Benjamin finds it out and his mother explains what happened in the past. She explains her son the beauty of love, the importance of love and Benjamin helps them to hide their relationship and steals money from his dad so they could leave him one day. Everything looked fine, so fine. Benjamin was earning some money, Peter found a better job and as Elisa decided to leave her husband Louis' sister, Amber, caught Elisa and Peter and ran to her brother to tell him about it. They planned to kill Peter but luckily Benjamin over hears their conversation and warns his mother and his true father._

_They packed all their stuff, all their money and wanted to escape to America. But they never made it. Amber and Louis' stop them, ready to kill Peter with a gun shot and as Louis shot it was Elisa who threw herself in front of the gun and took the bullet. Louis shocked let the gun fall and stared at a crying Peter who held the love of his life in his arms. Then the anger grew, he took the gun and shot Louis dead. Amber, furious, loosing it killed Peter and after that herself. The only one left was Benjamin who found them dead in Peters house. He buried the bodies and took all the money they had left and learned one thing from all of this. He saw his mother for sixteen years with Louis and thought this was love. But with Peter he truly understood what love looked like and how wrong it was that his mother decided to be with a rich man because she was pregnant, because it was better for the kid. But she never stopped loving him, never ever broke contact and Benjamin was happy that she had him, that she found the love of her life although the end was terrible and sad._

And suddenly I felt how true this story was. How close it was to the life I was living in. How Kurt and I were Peter and Elisa, hiding our love trying to do the best, trying to find a way out of this nightclub. We had our friends, our friends that were like Benjamin. Helping us, giving us all they had just so we all could be happy. It scared me... it scared me so much that our life could really turn into this story. That my mother or Henry could kill one of us, could hurt us more than they already did. I didn't want anyone to die. Not Francis, or Claire or Julia, no one.

The only thing that was really different from our play and my life was that I had a chance. I had something that could stop my mother, that could, maybe, change her. This was my last hope and I knew I had to try it. I had to because everything was going out of control.

But we kept on smiling, we kept on dancing and one evening, we just did that. There was no real reason to celebrate but we celebrated life. Life itself and all his beauty. Claire cooked so many things for us, Francis and Thomas bought the best wine they could get and we all were drinking, laughing, eating, singing and dancing. Nothing else mattered, nothing but just living for the moment. At some point some of us were drunk and sleeping, some still laughing and talking and the couples were dancing on the dance floor. Like Kurt and I did. Slowly, to the beautiful music of the piano. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UWfMe0utQc>

I forgot everything around us. Henry, my mother, even our friends. All I could focus on was the music and him close to my body. His arms around my shoulders, his forehead against mine, my hands on his back holding him as close as possible and slowly moving to the music. Sometimes I would lean in, place a gentle kiss on his lips, then Kurt would smile and give me a kiss back. It was just like I imagined heaven to be. Calm, feeling loved and happy and having him so close to me. If he wanted to I would dance every night with him, play for him, sing for him. If he wanted to I would read a book to him, let him have the blanket when he stole it from me, let him have my coffee and make another one for me when he stood up late. I would do anything just to have moments like this forever with him. Such a deep love, willing to give him anything just to make him happy and stay, I understood my father. I understood why he waited for her, why he never stopped loving her. And I also understood his pain. I was closer to loosing Kurt, so close that it drove crazy and scared me so much, I really wished we could just run away. And Kurt felt it, felt what my mind was going through and leaned his head on my shoulder, holding me tighter and I kissed his neck, swaying to the music for a while longer. I loved him, I truly loved him and I repeated this over and over again and at some point I said it because he answered quietly that he loved me too. This was everything we needed, everything that mattered. No matter what would happen tomorrow or next week no one could take this away from us. No one. Sighing I nuzzled my nose against his cheek, kissing the corner of his mouth with my eyes closed and he turned his head so that our lips met. There we were, just kissing and slow dancing until the song was over. But we just didn't stop kissing. Kurt held my face keeping me close and my hands moved down from his back to his waist just holding and kissing him with love, gentle and not caring if anyone didn't like what they saw. And then someone clapped his hands and we stopped, Kurt opened his eyes and looking behind me, not happy, not shocked, just cold eyes.

“I wonder what Roxanne would say about that. As far as I know it's not allowed to be in love here, right? Bad for business,” Henry said with a cold yet calm voice. I felt the tension building around us, I heard Francis stepping closer to us and Kurt's hands were on my shoulders, holding me as I turned my head to look at Henry who stood there, right on the stage and stared at us.

“Or maybe, he does pay for your service? You must be pretty rich when he is sucking your dick each evening.”

I almost ran up to him, I almost said something I would regret. I was on the verge to beat the crap out of him but Kurt held me back. His lips kissed my temple, his voice close to my ear telling me I have to ignore him, I have to stay with Kurt and so I did. He walked down the stage, walking closer to us and Francis placed himself protectively before me and Kurt. Henry gave him an unsurprised look and slowly looked back at us.

“Your acting skills are impressive. But you know Kurt, you can't fool everyone and think you get away with it.”

“I wasn't fooling you. You just saw things you wanted to see.”

“And there I thought you wanted to be free and dream your dreams. But you prefer to waste your talent for a simple violinist who has nothing. No house, no money just a violin and a bit talent.”

Kurt rolled his eyes and squeezed my shoulder, feeling my anger and turned us around to leave before I or he would lose it.

“You know I could tell her about it,” Henry said loud enough so everyone could hear us and with this he caught the attention of everyone. We stood still, I pulled Kurt closer to me and saw the fear in his face although he tried so hard to hide it.

“Or maybe not.”

We turned around and we all stared at him with surprise or distrust. Why wouldn't he want to do that? Telling my mother everything would be the easiest way and he could have Kurt for himself. But it wouldn't be the Kurt he wanted. If I ever got killed I knew Kurt would just break as much as I would and I never wanted to experience this or let Kurt go through something like that.

“Why would you do that? Do you suddenly noticed that you have a heart?” I said with a calm still warning voice.

“No” he breathed with a shaking voice and showed us his hand which he kept behind his back and there was a black gun, shimmering dangerously in the small light. I heard sharping breathes, a woman shrieked and fast steps leaving the hall. Without hesitation I dragged Kurt behind me, staying in front of him and making myself to a shield so nothing would happen to him. Francis didn't move but made sure to be there if he needed to.

“Blaine, no,” I heard his high voice, heard the fear and panic but I didn't move away. I kept him there right behind me not feeling any fear, any doubts. If he wanted to kill me right now, so be it.

“I could do it boy. I could do it and tell her why I did it and she would say it was the right thing to do.”

“Put the gun down, Henry. This is insane,” Francis said but Henry just snarled at him to shut up.

“Blaine, please,” Kurt sniffed and his shaking hands held my shoulders. I was sorry to do that and sorry to make him almost cry but I promised no harm would ever happen to Kurt again.

“But where is the fun if I kill you right now, huh?” Henry moved his hand down, hiding the gun inside his jacket and I heard Kurt breathing – thank god – and how his body became more relaxed.

“I want you both with me when she is back. Kurt will accompany me like he used to and you will play your damn violin and watch us. If not I'll tell her anything.”

What? He wanted to torture me and Kurt? He wanted to make our lives consciously harder? No.. I wouldn't let that happen. I rather died than watching him touching Kurt or whatever he wanted him to do or do to Kurt.

“Okay!” Kurt said before I could even open my mouth: “We'll do it. But now leave us alone.”

And Henry smiled, pleased and looked at me and my shocked expression. Kurt couldn't be serious. My mother already ruled over us and now he let this guy do this too?

“At least your are smarter than your little boyfriend.” And Henry left and with him the tension in the hall.

“Kurt I-”

“No, Blaine. I know you don't like that and so do I. But he said he'll kill you. He was about to kill you,” he said, eyes watery and hands shaking while he held my face.

Of course... of course he wouldn't let that happen. While my anger boiled through my body and told me to stand up and fight against Henry I forgot something. I forgot how we said we would talk to my mother the moment she was back. We would talk to her, try to convince her and not let her rule again. We had this chance and I almost took this chance away from us.

“You're right... forgive me.”

“You are stupid sometimes, you know that, right?” he sniffed and seeing him like this, close to crying made my eyes burn.

“I know. I'm sorry, Kurt.”

* * *

 

We tried to enjoy our last week but it was almost impossible. Everyone was just scared to enter the theater with a crazy guy inside it who had a gun with him and could just kill us. Thomas still wanted to do something, he always said how we should just kill Henry because he deserved it. And maybe yes, maybe he really deserved this but I was not the type of a guy who would just kill someone because I believed in the good of people. I believed that we all had our reasons why we were cruel and maybe Henry had his reasons why he was like that. Thomas only laughed and said that there were people who were simply cruel and heartless without any reason. Some people killed for fun, some needed it like a drug and I wondered how he knew that but I never asked. Somehow I was worried about Thomas because he really wanted to break free and help us all. He was just as tired as we were and wanted to live. And I feared he would do something stupid on his own. Of course I asked him and begged him not to do anything stupid. Don't worry, was all he said with a tiny smile.

 

Then the last day came and no one of us left his room but just to eat something or use the bathroom. Kurt and I stayed in my room, laying on my bed and just enjoyed being close to each other. Sometimes I wished we could go to his room and lay in his bed or his couch because it was more comfortable and we could look at the garden, we could watch the night sky through his pavilion. Eventually we didn't do that because of Henry. But laying there on my bed with him, naked, sometimes kissing, sometimes just touching safe under a white blanket it felt like the last day. Like the last day of our lives. Like the last day of us being together and it made me feel so empty inside. I didn't like it. It broke my heart because it felt so real that I kissed him desperately. He kissed me back just with as much desperation and took the lotion from the nightstand. This time though I didn't want to be the one on top. I wanted this to be equal, special and make it for us both unforgettable. Show him what he always showed me. Trust and love. Gently I took his hand and placed it on my ass and Kurt immediately got the hint and smiled against my lips.

“Turn around,” he whispered and so I did. Never ever had someone touched me there or even got inside me but I wasn't scared because he knew it would be the first time for me and Kurt would be gentle and making sure that it felt good. He was in control, I let him control me and just laid on my stomach, feeling his slick fingers between my cheeks and more lotion pouring between them. Then there was one finger and it burned, it felt so strange but so good at the same time because it was Kurt's finger. He moved his finger in and out, hearing me moan and arching up to his touch. A second finger followed opening me up and then a third. I grabbed the sheets, smiling when Kurt kissed my shoulder and kept on moving his fingers. So good, it felt just so good to have him there and filling the emptiness I felt. Filling it with his love, his warm presence, with what we both shared. After a while when he was sure I was open enough I angled my leg to give him a better access and Kurt aligned his cock, his head rubbing over my entrance and then slowly he slipped inside. Slowly, deeper and he felt so big, so hot I couldn't help but moan with so much pleasure it made my own cock twitch.

“You okay, honey?” he breathed into my ear and kissed my cheek.

“Mmmh,” I hummed in response, eyes closed and a happy smile on my face: “You feel good inside me.”

“And you feel good around me,” he breathed, kissing my cheek again and then he slowly moved out, making us both moan and tremble and slipped back inside: “So – ah – good. God, Blaine.”

It felt so good what he did to me, his cock long and hot rubbing my inner walls, making me moan and whimpers and giving me so much pleasure and love. It filled the emptiness inside of my heart and when Kurt leaned down, kissing the corner of my mouth I turned my head so we could kiss properly and it was just perfect. He hit the right places, he kissed me where I wanted him and touched me so that I even felt more pleasure and came without him touching me.

We did just that, making love as much as we could until we both were sated, happy and fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Kurt left my room early so my mother wouldn't see him walking around. He gave me a kiss, whispered that he loved me, that things would be fine and maybe today we would be free. Maybe today everything would be over. I said to him I loved him too, that he needed to be careful and nodded to his other words. Then he left and I went down to the basement having breakfast together with my friends.

Later we went back to our work. I was practicing with the musicians and my mother and the other people were on the dance floor talking about something and nodding silently. I didn't hear what she was saying because my violin filled my ears and my eyes were focused on Kurt who stood right next to Henry, doing what he promised to do. But of course Henry wouldn't be so nice to us. He kept on touching Kurt, making sure Roxanne didn't see it and sometimes his mouth was close to Kurt's neck or cheek that it took all my strength to remain calm and not just jump off the stage and strangle him to death. And the worse thing was that Kurt and Santana didn't get the chance to talk to my mother. She was too busy with Henry, with the new people she bought that I had to watch Kurt and Henry for a whole week and every evening he came back to me, taking a shower and furiously cleaning the places Henry touched or kissed. I never saw Kurt with so much disgust in his face, with so much pain. Each damn evening I took a shower with him, washed the places and kissed them gently so he would forget it although it was nearly impossible. His job turned back into his nightmare and I begged him to let me go to her and talk but he only shook his head, saying he loved me and needed me and that he would try it first. I gave him because I didn't want to hurt him too.

 

It was the middle of September, we still didn't talk to her, never got the chance to do it and I was slowly loosing all the hope I had. But no one said a word about it, we all acted like nothing happened and it was the only thing that kept us alive and gave us strength. Saying how miserable everything was would only make it worse. When I woke up I saw how the tress turned slowly golden and knew autumn was close. The yellow leaves and the weak sunlight made our life even harder. Like we all were slowly dying inside. We were all exhausted, all scared about the things my mother talked about with Henry we didn't know. They never said what would happen, they never did something that give us even a hint. No, they acted like they used to. Even Thomas was quiet, too quiet in the past days and it felt strange. Almost like a huge storm was coming. I shook my head and took my bag. For some reason I put all the letters my father left for his wife in a bag and carried it with me. Probably because I couldn't trust myself anymore and wanted to be prepared if I would just lose myself.

I left my room and walked straight to the theater. But the tension never left me and I was even more careful with the way I moved and what I saw and then I heard someone screaming, Claire screaming and ran through the people on the dance floor, jumped on the stage and saw Claire crying, her face pale and Francis held her with horror in his eyes. He stared behind the stage, stared at a small group of people – Julia and Maurice were there – and I moved closer, watching their shocked faces, seeing how pale even they were and when I turned around I saw a puddle of... blood? My body froze, my mind became blank and I felt like I would pass out when I saw who was there on the floor. His eyes were closed, his body too calm, too lifeless and there was blood on his chest and covering the floor.

“Thomas,” I breathed and walked to him, taking his heavy head into my hands but he didn't move, he made no sound he wasn't even breathing. He was dead. Someone shot him... someone killed him. “No, Thomas,” I whispered and expected tears, something but all I felt was anger, deep, dark anger and Francis placed a hand on my shoulder, shoving me gently aside and took Thomas dead body off the floor and walked away with him, followed by Maurice and Claire. No one said a word, no one screamed, it was so silent like... they weren't allowed to show anything. And we weren't. If one of us would start to complain, to cry, to do something that judged this action as wrong we put ourselves into danger. Julia stood there, trying not to cry, not to shout and I walked up to her, pulling her shaking body against mine and held her close.

“He went to Roxanne,” she whispered: “He went to her and... he told her that she can't rule over us, treat us like puppets. He told her he wanted to be free and then she just...”  
I tried to sooth her, tried to calm her but she was shaking, crying and I tried to calm myself down but I couldn't I just couldn't. I heard steps, saw from the corner of my eyes Santana and Kurt and gave Julia to Santana who placed her arm gently around Julia's shoulder and guided her to one of the countless chairs we kept backstage. Kurt though just looked at me with the same expression Francis had and then apologetic, almost begging me to remain calm. No, I wouldn't be calm anymore. She killed my friend, my friend who wanted to be free, to help us all and she just killed him because he stood up for us and himself. Kurt came closer, taking my hand and squeezing it, looking right into my eyes and showed me how much it hurt him, how much he hated what happened and also... that he was tired of this too. He was just as tired as I was and slowly I shook my head as if to say; no more. No more lies, no more rules, no more sacrifices. He kissed me with trembling lips and breathed: “Okay,” as he touched my cheek and leaned his forehead against mine.

“Why are you guys not practicing? Did I miss something?” I heard my mother saying loud enough so everyone could hear it as she entered the theater. There were noises, steps, moving chairs, voices and I heard her shoes on the wooden floor, heard how she came closer to the stage. Like nothing happened. Nothing at all.

“I love you, Kurt.” I said quietly and gave him one last kiss before I lost myself.

“I love you. I'll see you in your room, right?”

“Right,” I nodded and then he leaned back, left my hand and turned around to Santana, leaving with her and Julia. Claire, Maurice and Francis came back, both looking how the other three left and then they turned around to look at me and saw the anger, the confidence and that I wouldn't change my mind for what I was about to do.

“You'll be with me? Just in case I lose all the control?” I asked Francis and he nodded while Claire and Maurice left, walking back to the building where our rooms were. This was it, I would never go back or change my mind now. I was my fathers son, I was my mothers son and I had to do what a son had to do no matter if he liked his parents or not. But I wouldn't take another minutes watching her hurting and killing the people I cared about. Slowly I turned around, seeing her walking on the stage and wearing her red dress, bare shoulders and the black hair open, eyes cold.

“Where is Philipp? He was supposed to show you guys the new steps.”

“And where were you when we needed you?!” I said loud enough so she could hear me. Slowly my mother turned around as I entered the stage and held the bag too strong in my hands. She only eyed me, cold like she had no idea what I was talking about. No, of course not.

“I have a job to do-”

“I'm not talking about your freaking business!” I hissed and heard how everyone went silent. Yeah, sure, no one ever even tried to cut her off, no one, they were all too scared and today I knew why.

“You are crossing a line, kid.”

“Oh, do I? And how many lines did you cross in the past fourteen years? Like leaving your son and your husband alone?”

There! There it was. Shock and confusion in her face and it made her silent. She just stared at me, no words, nothing but staring and I thought I saw something like realization.

“Oh, do your remember it now? Your son? Your husband? How you left two people who loved you so much and waited for you? Oh, of course not. You had no idea that they were waiting for you.”

She took a step back and I saw her hands shaking.

“You don't even know what you are doing. Hurting people, killing people for fourteen years now. You killed my friend like you killed my father and act like it doesn't matter. Like it's part of your freaking business!”

I threw the bag to her, saw how it fell down next to her feet and took a deep breath. It shouldn't but it felt good, so good to let it all out and let her know just how cruel she was, how heartless.

“And he waited and wrote those fucking letters to you!. He never stopped loving you or believing that you come back to us! But you don't care, you never cared but about yourself! You are so fucking focused on yourself on the damn money that you didn't even recognize your own son! In fact you keep on hurting me, hurting me all the damn time and you just don't care!”

Francis held me back as I took a step forward, not sure what I wanted to do.

“Blaine, it's enough.” He whispered while my mother stared at the bag and didn't move.

“You are nothing but a cold monster! Treating people like puppets, like things! And my father loved you! He loved you each damn day until he died because he couldn't handle it anymore!”

Francis dragged me away but I tried to get free, tried to walk to her, shake her, do something to her so she would feel how much it hurt.

“I hate you! I hate you for hurting and killing the people I love!”

Francis threw me over his shoulder and left the theater while I began to cry so hard, all the strength left my body.


	16. Love

 

Chapter 16. Love

 

Thomas did this for us and for himself. He put himself into this danger and paid for it. A price we all feared to pay too soon. And for Thomas it was too soon. He was only what? 21 years old and never got the chance to enjoy his life. I wondered if it had never happened when I never came to this place, when I never met Francis or gave my father this promise. I wondered if I never fell in love with Kurt if he would still be with us. Well, I would never find that out. Back in our building I fell into Kurt's arms and just cried silently, whispered that I did it, that I told her who I was and this was the only thing that let me breath. I could breath, I was able to let my father go and able to look forward. She knew it, she had the letters and now all we needed to do was wait. Wait for her to say something, do something and hoping it would change her mind.

 

That day, when Thomas died we all came together and hugged each other in the theater when it was already dark outside. People I only saw but never talked to hugged me, people I didn't like much and of course the people I cared about. We all were one, hugging, crying and going together to the garden. There was no reason to hide, no reason to pretend because with my confession about who I was and what I thought about my mother no one really felt the need to work, to do what she said. In fact, my mother didn't say anything. She went to her room and never came out again after I'd called her out. The theater was closed and we had no intention of opening it until my mother said something. Francis walked ahead, carrying Thomas on his arms to the pyre the others build up after they knew he was dead. This was something they were used to do because Thomas was not the first one who got killed here. It became kind of a... tradition. A cruel and mean tradition. No one should be used to this... to bury a person. I knew about two people who died here and I really didn't want to know how many my mother killed. It didn't matter because killing one person was already too much. Thomas body was wrapped in white fabric and Francis put his body down, gently and careful on the wood. We all watched them, standing close to each other and I heard Santana sobbing, saw her hand over her mouth while Claire tried to sooth her. Julia stood next to Philipp, eyes glistening but not crying and Maurice held the torch, burning bright and eager. No one said a word, there were only sobs, hiccups and the sound of the crackle of the fire. Kurt stood next to me, close, our hands holding, fingers entwined and just standing there and watching how Francis placed the torch on the pyre and it began to burn, bright, hot and swallowing the body of our beloved friend. I just stared at his body, at the fire and felt the tears running down my cheeks. He was too young, too young to leave this place but I hoped, I wished, that, wherever he was it was a better place.

 

* * *

 

Two days later still nothing changed and some of us began to pack their stuff just in case they decided to run away. No one could say what would happen in the next hour or tomorrow, what my mother would do but they wanted all to be sure to leave this place if they had to. No one of us wanted to get killed and I understood that. On the third day my mother began to call people inside her office one after another and while she did that we all were waiting inside of the theater, hoping nothing bad would happen, hoping no one would get killed. It was only 11am and we all were going crazy because we had no idea what she wanted. All the people she called in and came back didn't say anything because she said they weren't allowed to say a word to anyone else. Some of them where longer inside her office, some just for some minutes and it confused me so much. Why was she calling my friends? I told her who I was, what happened to my father but she just didn't call me in or Kurt or the other people I was pretty close to.

“Don't worry, Blaine,” Kurt said who was sitting next to me on the stage and holding my arm, kissing my cheek when he saw my strain face.

“I don't understand what she is doing. She calls all of us in and they come back and can't say anything? I just want to know what is going on.”

“Listen to Kurt, Blaine,” Francis said and for the first time after Thomas death I saw him smiling.

O... okay? My eyebrows shoot up and I stared at him, then to Philipp, to Julia and even they were smiling. Santana was even smirking and I didn't understand anything. What was happening that they were so calm? Even the other people in the theater were smiling and I turned my head to the right, staring at Kurt and checking if even he was smiling. He was. Suddenly I felt this huge excitement in my veins, felt how it pumped right into my heart.

“Did I miss something?”

“I don't want to jinx it,” he kissed me: “You'll see what I mean.”

 

Two hours later we still were sitting in the theater and all the people she already called in left to their rooms to eat something or whatever. When I saw how Santana got called in I became really nervous and still didn't understand why it was only me who felt this nervous. Kurt tried to calm me down with his hand on my back, with running his fingers through my hair or placing gentle kisses on my face or lips. But I just couldn't relax. Not for one second. I was so nervous and literally stressed that Kurt insisted I should take a short nap and I agreed on that because otherwise I would go crazy. I laid my head on his lap, wrapped my arms around his middle and pressed my face against his stomach to feel him and making sure he wouldn't go.

In my dream – which was pretty real so I didn't get it that I was dreaming – I was in my old house. The house where my father and I used to live. It was the same warm house, the same kitchen, the same living room with one bookshelf next to the other. The same scent, everything. Even the same noises like our old door to the garden, the same low noise when the wind swung it open or how the water was boiling and I smelled the familiar scent of coffee. The coffee my father used to drink each morning. I followed the smell right into the kitchen and when I saw my father there, standing at the counter and filling his mug with coffee I wasn't surprised to see him. He turned around, looking older, his hair lost a bit of it's color but his smile was warm, gentle, like it always was. With a sigh I leaned against the door frame, watching him walking to the table where his books were waiting and smiled when he told me by a gesture with his hand to sit down. Slowly I did that, my hands on the table and smiling at him while he stirred his coffee with a spoon.

“I guess you found it, hm?” He asked me and looked up.

“You mean love?” Oh I knew him, I knew him too well and his bride smile showed me that I was right. “Yeah, I found it. I also found mother.”

“I know. You truly found her while she lost herself.”

I had no idea why, but I nodded and kept on smiling. He was right, I knew he was right because my father was always right but I didn't understand how.

“Still planning to go to America?”

“If it works out then yes,” I said and my father chuckled, taking a sip of his coffee and opened his book while he put his glasses on.

“You always talked about America. About being a violinist in those theaters.”

“I still want to. But I only do that when Kurt will be going with me. I actually don't care where I can play as long as he is with me.”

“I never expected anything else, son.” We both laughed for quietly and then I deep sigh fell from my lips.

“I wish you could see him, father. He is truly amazing and he makes me so happy.”

My dad flipped the a side and nodded slowly, taking another sip and said: “I know. I see how happy you make each other and love each other. Never let it go, Blaine. You see what it did to me and your mother.”

I stopped smiling and stared at my fingers. I never thought about that... that maybe because my mother didn't have us it changed her. Maybe she was just as sad as we were, maybe she was just as hurt as we were but it was she who left us. She left, hunting her dream and never looked back. We didn't push her into this life. Sure, I understood my father, I understood everything better but it wouldn't change how I felt about her.

“I think I understand but... it won't change how I feel about her and what she did to me and the people I care about.”

“I know, Blaine. I know and I don't want you to. All I wish is that you never stop holding those people close you love and make you happy. Don't do what I did, okay?”

“I won't. I promise.”

And he smiled at me, a smile full of good bye and proud and then everything turned black.

 

* * *

 

When I woke up I was still resting my head on Kurt's lap, feeling his fingers in my hair, the other hand on my arm and then he whispered: “Hey, sleepy head.”

“Is it over?” I asked and took his hand into mine, kissing his fingers.

“She is waiting for you.”

“For... me?” I stared into his eyes and he just freaking smiled back. Like there was no reason to be scared, like it was something we did everyday. As I moved up and sat next to Kurt I saw that even more people left the theater and saw how my friends were smiling at me. Like... what the hell was happening?

“Go Blaine, it will be fine,” Kurt stood up and squeezed my hand as I stood up with him: “I'll be waiting here, okay?”

“Okay,” was all I could say and then he kissed me, encouraging and I slowly left the stage and walked to the door to the corridor. I didn't really think about anything when I walked up the stairs because I was still thinking about that dream. About how my father smiled at me and just knew something. Like my friends knew something, like Kurt. They knew something and it made them smile and calm and I just couldn't figure it out. Actually I thought I would be angry or scared meeting my mother after I called her out but even I was calm and this drove me crazy because I didn't want to be calm, I didn't want to feel safe when I was just about to walk into the cage with the lion inside. As I reached her door I didn't think twice. I knocked against the wood and heard her calling me in and I just did that. My eyes immediately went to her, watching her sitting on her desk, her hair a mess and all fourteen letters were open. To my surprise she wasn't wearing her fancy dresses. She wore a nice white dress and a jacket to cover her bare shoulders and actually looked like a normal woman. But I didn't let her fool me. I stood close to the door, watching her and then her eyes looked up, right into mine and she said: “Fear not.”

Fear not... I scoffed and waited while she folded the letters back together and put them back into my bag, handing it to me. Carefully I walked to her, taking the bag out of her hands and waited for her to say something.

“I won't say I'm sorry because it won't change anything.”

“No, it for sure won't change anything,” I mumbled and heard her sighing as she sat down on the chair and ran her fingers through her hair. She looked exhausted, almost like she cried for hours but it didn't touch me, it just didn't touch me at all.

“Do you want to hear why I left?”

I shrugged, crossed my arms and was ready to listen but knew it would never change anything. It wouldn't change how felt about her or that I never wanted her back in my life. But I wasn't cold, I wasn't heartless so I listened because my father would do the same.

“I was... wasn't ready to be a mother and a wife. I loved you both, I still do but it was just too much for me. Your father and I fell in love, too fast and then I was pregnant and married and I thought I would get used to it. But whenever I saw those plays in the theaters, read books I really wanted to try it out.”

Oh great, so she left us because she wasn't ready to take any responsibilities.

“I know it was wrong but I was young, Blaine. Young and dreaming. And I was close, really close I was about to come back to you guys but I lost myself somewhere on the way.”

“And you think this will excuse everything you did? Like buying Kurt and forcing him to become a prostitute?”

My mother was quiet for a while, just watching me and playing with a ring she had on her finger. A ring I never saw her wearing here. Well, of course not because when she left us she left her ring on the table in the kitchen. My father probably put that ring into on of those letters and she had the courage to put it back on? Wow, yeah, I felt even more disgust.

“You and Kurt together. Who knew that this would happen.”

“Right, huh? Who knew I would be able to fall in love and do anything for him after what I your love did to father. And look, I'm not running away. I'm here, dealing with all these damn rules, knowing that each day could be my last day here. I'm here because I love him and I can't be without him. I knew what I agreed on, I knew it and I took the responsibility.”

She still looked at me, not wincing, nothing, just looked at me without really showing an expression. Fine, I thought, I didn't want to talk to her anyway.

“Like I said, I lost myself on the way here and I'm sorry for what happened.”

“I doubt it will change anything. You left us and never came back and I was alone with the man you married. Then you just came here and opened this nightclub and bought so many people and stole their freedom. Their life.”

No it didn't make the things undo that she did.

“Well, then I tell you what I said to everyone else who was here. The rules do no longer exist and you are free to do whatever you want.”

Huh? My mouth dropped open, my eyes wide and I still waited for the catch, I still waited for the thing she wanted so her words were true. But she just looked at me, exhausted, almost annoyed and shrugged: “That's what you all want, or am I wrong?”

“No!” I said quickly; “That's what we want but... I don't understand why now... why not..”

“Read the letters and maybe you'll understand.”

I looked at the bag in my hand, curious what was written there that changed her mind within days and... I couldn't really believe it. It sounded so easy, so impossible that I could just take Kurt's hand, my stuff and leave this place. We didn't have to pay for our freedom or his debts. We could just... Kurt.

“What about Kurt?”

“He can leave too. Like everyone else if they want to.”

Something inside of me explode. Something that ran so fast through my body, my soul and made my head spin. Maybe it was happiness, maybe it was relief, but damn it felt good, so good I wanted to cry. And for the first time, and probably for the last time she gave me this smile. This smile I haven't seen for years. This smile only my mother was able to give me and I smiled back. Just for a second, just one moment it was like so many years ago and then I left not carrying why she changed her mind, not carrying about anything at all but that we were free, that we could go. I ran the stairs down, I ran so fast like never before in my entire life and smiled, I truly smiled and my cheeks hurt so bad but I couldn't care less. Now I understood why they were smiling, why Kurt was smiling. They knew what was about to happen without hearing it. They knew it because they felt how everything changed here, they felt how this nightclub changed in which they were living for so many years. I jumped over the last stairs, opening the door to the theater not fast enough and saw my friends sitting there, still smiling and I ran to Kurt who stood up, walked down the stage and stretched his arms out so I could catch him. The bag fell down, while I threw my arms around Kurt's body and lifted him up, spinning and just grinning at him while he smirked back, wrapping his arms around my head. I let him back down, crashing my lips on his for a deep, breathless kiss and he was just as eager as I was.

“We can leave, Kurt. We can leave this place.”

“I know, I know we can.”

I held his face placing a kiss: “I love you,” another kiss: “So much.” He laughed breathless and I turned around, seeing our friends and we all began to cheer and jump and hug each other. It was so unreal but so, oh so good to feel like this.

 

We were celebrating the whole night, we basically owned the whole nightclub and even invited people from the outside. We celebrated louder, heavier and completely alive. Dancing, laughing, singing, we were doing all of this while my mother was around and we couldn't care less. I never saw them all so happy, so in piece and moreover so alive. We stopped our party right before the sunrise and I never was so happy for my bed. Kurt and I were a mess, sweating, swollen lips from all the kissing, burning feet from all the dancing and dizzy from the alcohol. This was what we wanted, how our life should be. Us all being happy and free. For the first time in months I could really breath, really sigh and enjoy what I had. My freedom, my love and a future I had the control over.

 

* * *

 

“Is everyone leaving?” I asked Claire during lunch with my friends and Kurt.

“No, some of us don't have a place to go and enjoy what they are doing here. I'll stay too. I'm old, you know and Roxanne is still my friend.”

Nodding I reached out for the the last sausage while Kurt stole half of it from my plate. Yeah, usually I would go with this but this time I was just glad he was so in piece and never had to do his job again. This time I simply ignored it.

“We, Julia, Maurice and I that is, actually thought about to make this nightclub into a full time theater,” Philipp said: “We just need to talk about that with Roxanne.”

I really didn't care what would happen to this nightclub, but I knew it would never be the same and my friends would take care of it. Kurt and I had our own plans. Before we began to celebrate our freedom we left to his room and talked about what we wanted to do and since he didn't have to pay for his debts anymore we agreed on using the money to go to America, like we planned to do and start there. We had enough money, really enough to make it at least for four months without a job. And he said he even knew someone in New York who was once here and invited him to come to America. It was truly so unreal that we both finally got what we both wanted. Freedom, America and a life together forever.

“What about you Francis?”

He just smirked at us and looked pretty excited and when I heard what he was saying my mouth basically hung open.

“I want to become a vintner. I really want to do that.”

Not in a million years I had imagined Francis as a vintner. He was tall and strong and he could be an acrobat or something but he wanted to become a vintner.

“What are you looking at, Blaine?”

“Nothing. I'm just surprised. Imaging a big bear making wine.”

Then he stood up, grabbed my head and began to playfully rub his fist on my head.

“Please, stop! I just banned my curls!”

They laughed at us, they laughed each minute because we all still felt like this was just a dream. But it was real, so real.

 

Kurt and I went to the town, for the first time ever. Of course I couldn't take his hand or act like inside the nightclub because we never knew what kind of people were around us. However, just being able to finally do that felt like heaven. We sold some of his stuff he didn't needed, like jewelry or scarfs. We had enough money for the train and for the ship and all that was left was packing our stuff as fast as possible and leave. Santana was already out of the nightclub, saying she had some business in Paris to do and slowly, more and more people left. That evening I walked to the first floor, sat down where I sat for the first time when I came here and looked down to the stage. Here it all began. From here I saw Kurt for the first time and fell in love with him. Here I found what I was looking for and somewhere it made me sad to leave this place because our play was really awesome and we enjoyed it so much. We had really and many good times here but I couldn't stay here. Not with my mother around and who knew, maybe she would change her mind. I walked down, on the stage and stared at the empty dance floor. Not thinking about anything in particular but just remembering he dances, the laughs, the crowd watching our play. Yeah, between all these dark and sad memories we had enough that would make us smile.

“You and Kurt are still here?” Francis asked me as he walked into the theater and accompanied me on the stage.

“So are you?”

“Yeah, well... just getting a bit melancholic and taking one last look at everything.”

“Huh, strange, right?”

It was strange to leave this place. It really was and I knew for Francis and for all the others who were hear for years – not like me for just some months – it must be really a challenge. They wanted to be free but this place was still their home. Here they had something to eat, a bed to sleep and who knew if they would get that immediately after they'd left.

“A bit, that's true. But it's time, you know. Also to let Jean go.”

Yeah, of course. He and Jean fell in love here, like Kurt and I did. But they never got the chance to be free and I placed my hand on his shoulder squeezing it and saying: “Thank you, Francis. You... took me here and helped me a lot... and without you I probably had never met Kurt.”

“Are you going to cry now?”

“No!” I laughed and we hugged. I really owned him so much, so much he probably had no idea.

“Who knows what kind of sweet guys are walking around in other towns. Maybe I find someone else.”

“Of course you will,” I said: “And you will write me about it and we'll come back one day to visit you and I want the best wine you have.”

“Deal,” he smirked and looked behind me, watching how Kurt came to us and smiled, also hugging Francis and saying his good bye.

“Okay boys, I really should go or I'll-”

Suddenly there was the sound of a gunshot, fast steps and the door fell open and I saw Julia running to us, followed by other people.

“Julia! What-” Francis exclaimed and held her close as she tried to speak. I turned around, looking at Kurt who stared at Julia and Francis and then I heard fast steps, saw a figure at the curtains and walking out of the shadows. I saw his furious face, his wide eyes, his mouth, gritted teeth. Henry was burning with anger, holding his gun and staring at us and then at me. On instinct I stretched my arm out, trying to keep Kurt safe and saw another figure behind Henry, running through the darkness and then I recognized it was my mother. There was fear, desperation and she grabbed his arm begging: “Stop it! He did nothing!”

But he pushed her away, too strong and pointed the gun on her and – Bang!

Julia covered her ears, pushing herself against Francis and screamed in shock. It happened so slow, for me it was so slow how he pointed the gun on my mother, how her arms and legs stretched out and then she fell and didn't move. My breath left my lungs too fast, my head was spinning and I couldn't understand what actually happened. I didn't understand that she got killed, right in front of my eyes and would never stand up again.

“It's all your fault!” I heard Henry yelling, saw how he pointed the gun at me and I expected to hear another bang, expected to feel something that would hit me, would burn inside my chest and gave me endless pain. But it didn't happen. Something else happened that hurt even more without really knowing it. Kurt shouted my name, pressed his hand against my chest and pushed me out of the sight. I turned my head to him, saw his eyes staring at Henry and – Bang!

He fell back, his arms stretched out, his feet loosing the ground and Kurt slumped to the floor. Not moving, not breathing, Being completely lifeless and then my mind came back and I yelled: “NO!”

I fell down on my knees, my hands over Kurt's body not sure where to touch him, what to do. I just saw blood, there was blood on his body and it scared the hell out of me.

“No! Nonono, Kurt! Please don't,” I began to cry taking his head carefully in my hands and kissing his, lips, kissing his forehead, running his hair back, caressing his cheek but he just didn't react. His eyes were closed, his mouth slightly open and he looked like he was sleeping. But he wasn't! He wasn't fucking sleeping.

“Kurt!? Baby, please don't do this to me! I love you, Kurt. open your eyes, please,” I sobbed, I cried it hurt so deep, so bad like someone just ripped my heart out and wanted to watch me bleed. My shaking hands pressed his head to my chest, kissing his forehead, his hair while my tears dropped down on his face and even then he didn't wake up. He wouldn't wake up.

“Blaine, let him go.”

Philipp was suddenly kneeling in front of me and taking Kurt on his arms, standing up and walking away with him like... no!

“No! Please!” I almost screamed tried to stand up but my body was too heavy, my heart hurt too much I just couldn't walk. Julia came to me, wrapping her arms around me and holding me, just holding me and making soothing noises.

“Where is he going? Where is he going with Kurt?” I cried so hard I didn't even notice what happened to Henry, or to Francis. I couldn't care about anything but the deep pain I felt. It was breaking me, it was cutting into my heart... it felt like someone was eating my soul and wanted to kill me. Something I had no control over. Something people called death.


	17. Theater

 

Chapter 17. Theater

 

It was cold. Just cold and empty within my soul and heart. And it hurt, it hurt so bad I didn't know what to do or where to go. Each step, each breath hurt and I cried and cried. I cried so much I wondered if I would ever stop crying because it didn't feel like I could. And I wasn't silently crying. I made loud noises, my voice screamed until I sobbed and then I screamed again like a wounded animal. But I tried to muffle my voice in my pillow, tried to stay calm but I couldn't. I just couldn't control myself. Kurt was dead, he was gone, he was in my arms but he didn't move. He didn't answer my pleading, he didn't kiss me back when I kissed him. Nothing, just nothing and it broke me, my heart and my soul. We had our freedom, we had everything we needed and just one freaking night and we had left this place forever and be together forever, living our dreams. Now all those dreams were destroyed, all those dreams had no meaning... nothing had a meaning, nothing at all.

It was Julia and Claire who took me to my room because I couldn't walk, I had no strength to do anything. Claire held me under my arms and Julia took my legs and at the moment when I felt my bed under me I curled up into a fetal position, sobbing, clutching my pillow. I had no idea how long I laid on my bed but at some point Julia came back together with Francis and I couldn't look at them.

“The police took Henry and arrested him for murder.”

Henry... Henry killed Kurt and my mother. He killed the person I loved more than anything and with that he killed me, my soul, my whole being. And now he lived? Arrested my ass I wished he was dead, I wished he would just feel as much pain as I did.   
“If you need something, call me, I'll be in my room.”

I needed Kurt. I only needed Kurt and nothing else: “I want to see him.”

But Francis shook his head and stood up from my bed: “You need to calm down and sleep, Blaine.”

“I want to see him!” I almost yelled and held my pillow closer, stronger but Francis closed the door.

I never left my bed for almost three days. They brought me something to drink, to eat but I just couldn't keep anything inside me. I ate a bit or puked it all out and fell back on my bed, inhaling the the scent, Kurt's scent and it faded away, each damn day and made everything even more painful.

The third day I stopped crying, stood up and took a shower and changed into some fresh clothes. My eyes were small and red, my face looked abused and it didn't matter to me. Maybe I would look like this forever. With shaking legs I walked down to the kitchen to find Francis and Claire talking about something. I wasn't listening. Frankly I didn't care if they talked about something important or not because I wanted to see Kurt.

“Where is he? Don't tell me you already burned his body.”

“Blaine, calm down.”

“I won't calm the fuck down! I want to see him!”

They couldn't do this to me. They couldn't keep me away from him. I needed to see him, I... I needed to see him and say good bye. A real good bye and not just... I started to cry again and dropped to my knees because how could I say good bye to him? How could I just let him go? I couldn't, I didn't want to. He was my everything, my heart, my soul and my life. He was my future and I just lost everything. Claire came to me, wrapping her arms around my shaking body and hissed: “Don't be so rude to him, Francis.”

“I need to see him, Claire. Please... just let me see him.” I begged as I looked into her eyes and saw how sorry she was. With a tiny smile she helped me up and guided me to the bench to sit down.

“Eat something, okay? You are too weak to do anything.”

And I gave in because I really had no strength to do anything. Francis left the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

When Kurt and I began to be a couple I always asked myself, what if I would lose him? What if we had to break up just to keep each other safe? I thought that maybe it would have been easier at the beginning to just break up but the more we were together, the more we fell in love the harder it became to imagine this and then he became a part of me. We had this bond, this special something that sometimes there were no words needed but he understood me perfectly. Whenever he wasn't around me I could basically feel what he felt and whenever I felt some kind of pain I knew, something happened. It was a bond that scared me but also gave me enough strength and courage to live here, to be with him and fight for our freedom. He truly was a part of me I needed to live. Like air, like food and water. He was the part of my life that made me happy, that made me alive, the lifeline. But imagining that he was just gone was unreal. It couldn't be true, it didn't feel like it was the truth. Never hearing him laugh again? Never hear him sing? Or saying my name? God, I loved it when he said my name no matter if he mocked me or moaned it. Whenever he said my name it felt like my name belonged to him. Oh and his eyes, his blue eyes making the sky so jealous and his flawless skin and just he. His heart, his everything. How was it possible I could never see him again? When my father died it hurt me, I broke down in front of Kurt but I also knew I could move on and live. I loved my father, I spent over 20 years with my father and I still was able to move on although he was one of the most important people in my life. But losing Kurt felt so different. Like it changed me into someone I didn't want to be. A heartbroken, angry man with so much hate for one person. I truly didn't want to become such a person.

 

On the fourth day I found the strength to go back to the nightclub but I wasn't ready to walk into the theater and see the place where everything happened. No, I wanted to go to my mothers office and just... distract myself. On my way to her office I met Philipp who hugged me and smiled and as I asked him where Kurt was he said nothing and moved on. I also met Maurice, a hug, same question and same respond, nothing. No one wanted to tell me where he was, what they did to him and somewhere, deep inside me I kept on telling myself they already burned his body but couldn't take it to hurt me more because I wanted to see him. I rather heard the truth then stepping in the dark. As I walked into her office I looked through her shelves not sure what I wanted to find but just... I needed the distraction and my mother was the best one. Thinking that she wasn't alive, that Henry killed her too didn't hurt me. Maybe I wondered if this made me look like a bad person because my mothers death didn't do anything to me. Honestly? She wasn't a part of my life for 14 freaking years, of course it didn't matter to me. There was nothing but some books and jewelry in her shelf so I turned around and searched through her desk. Letters, papers, pens and stuff and then two envelopment caught my attention. One had my name and the other one had Kurt's name and didn't look like they were old. No, they could only be some days old because she didn't know who I was before I told her about me. Sighing I sat down on the chair and opened the envelopment, unfolded the letter and began to read it.

 

_Blaine,_

 

_I'm probably dead when you are reading this and I know you don't care about me. I understand that, I really do. I would do the same. But I want you to know something. Sometimes we make mistakes although we don't want to and once we made those mistakes we feel shame, because we knew it was wrong. I felt that way, Blaine. I really felt so much shame that I left you and your father and acted like a selfish little girl although I was a mother and a wife. Someone who with responsibilities, someone with people who needed me but I was selfish, so selfish and I knew your father would make it even without me._

 

_But what I never understood was love. I thought I knew what it meant but now I see I had no idea. You and your father, you both know it. You live it and find the right way to move on. I lost it somewhere along the way. Love is not easy, it's hard and I wasn't strong enough so I chose another way, an easier way and found myself here. Somehow this became my life, Blaine. Somewhere I lost myself and accepted this as my life. I didn't see my mistakes, I didn't see anything and thought I was doing the right thing. Money, the nightclub, this all made me happy, filled the hole inside my soul and it became my life, it made me forget everything else. Rose became Roxanne._

_I have to say the first time I saw you I had no idea who you were. But hearing your name did something to me. Yet it was just impossible that you were my son. See? I was wrong again and after you told me who you were, after I read those letters from your father I saw what I've missed and what you found, what your father found. I hope you'll never let him go and never stop believing in love because you see what it did to me. I wasn't strong enough for love, for loving someone and be loved in return._

 

_Rose Anderson_

 

I hope you'll never let him go. How could I hold something when it wasn't there? He was dead, he was gone and all that was left are memories. I read the other letter which was inside the envelopment and found a... contract? I read over it, quickly and I couldn't really be happy about it. My mother gave the nightclub to me and full permission to do with it whatever I wanted to. Yeah, if Kurt would be still alive we could do something here or not. Whatever. It didn't matter because I wouldn't stay here. I almost felt like a fool to believe that we could get out of here alive. It felt like everything ended with Kurt not being with me. It felt like dreaming was something that shouldn't be allowed because it could break. It broke so easily.

 

* * *

 

The filth day came and as I walked down to the basement I heard Francis talking to someone at the front door. I stood at stairs, watching him talking to the police but I couldn't hear anything. They nodded, said something and then they left and Francis let out a deep sigh and then he smiled. He freaking smiled like all his burden just fell off his shoulders.

“What happened?” I asked him when he saw me.

“Nothing. Everything is fine. Henry gets what he deserves and they'll leave us alone now.”

“Does that mean I can see him now?”

Francis made a strange face and then walked pass me, down to the basement.

“Francis! I need to see him!” I followed him and after all those days of crying, of denying I felt anger. Why didn't they let me see him? I knew how he looked like, I saw the blood I freaking knew he wasn't disfigured and even if I didn't matter because it was still Kurt.

“They said they won't come back. Everything is fine now and we can move on,” I heard him saying to Philipp, Julia and Claire who were sitting in the kitchen and smiling at him. Why were they smiling? What the fuck was going on? They all acted like nothing happened, like Henry's penalty was all that mattered. They began to talk, to laugh and I lost it. I just lost it because it felt like I was in a room with strangers while all I could feel was pain, loss and it felt like I was alone. Just alone with everything.

“Could you all just stop ignoring me!?”

And it worked, they were silent, turning their heads so they could look at me.

“I want... to see Kurt. Okay? I need to see him! You can all smile and laugh as much as you like but I _need_ to see him. I lost the love of my life, okay? I need to see him and say...” I couldn't say it out loud. I just wanted to see him, nothing else... just this and end this endless pain. I saw them exchanging looks, saw how Philipp stood up and squeezed my shoulder.

“Follow me,” was all he said and I just did that without hesitation.

 

We walked back to the nightclub, to the theater and the moment I entered the room it hit me so hard, I needed to stay still. The stage, the stage were everything happened and where it ended. Although the floor was clean, although it looked like nothing happened, I knew what happened there and what I lost there. As my feet could move again I followed him on the stage, behind the stage and he opened the door to the basement. He opened the door and I saw the light was burning down there but Julia wasn't there she was together with Claire and Francis and I looked at Philipp who smiled at me and then left. Okay... this was really strange but I couldn't care less. What I needed was down there and I told myself no matter how he looked like, I would always remember him the way he was around me. When he was alive, when he was smiling, all those beautiful moments. With shaking legs I walked down the stairs, saw the mirrors, the long table, the costumes and – I almost fell down. My hands grasped the handrail and kept me from falling on my ass because... he was sitting there. He was sitting there and being... alive? And then he began to move, he stood up! Kurt was moving and smiling, sadly smiling. What? My eyes were wide, so wide it hurt to keep them open and before I really understood that this was real, that he was alive, that he was walking to me I fell on my knees and just tried not to pass out.

“Kurt...” I breathed and my pain just left my soul, my body and I felt just how tired I was, how much all this was a torture for my body. He fell on his knees, sliding his arms around me and I began to cry. Not because of the pain, not because I felt alone. Because he was alive and holding me and I could smell him, touch him. I could feel how warm his body was and I held him, digging my fingers into his shirt and not carrying if it hurt him or not.

“I'm sorry, honey.”

“Kurt,” I sobbed and touched his hair, his face and pulled him gently back to see his eyes and yes, there it was the blue I loved so much: “Oh my god...” my voice broke, I broke and just wanted to curl myself up and lay in his lap forever.

“I'm sorry, Blaine. I'm so sorry,” he whispered and framed my face: “Hey, look at me.”

I looked up, into his eyes and I feared this was just a dream. I was scared the he would tell me I was dreaming and that I had to let him go. But he said something else and I cried even harder.

“I'm alive, Blaine. I'm fine and I love you.”

“I love you too,” my voice was too high, too broken but it didn't matter.

 

After a while I somehow calmed down and he helped me up and we left the basement, walking to his room and I never let his hand go. I never left his side. Of course I had questions, of course I didn't understand anything but he was alive, he was with me, he was smiling and nothing else really could reach my mind but Kurt. He closed the door and turned around and withing my desperation I walked to him, took his face into my hands and pressed a kiss on his lips and he kissed me back, just as hard and desperate as I was.

“You are alive,” I breathed against his lips and I felt this tiny smile on my lips. I haven't smiled in the past days, not once and it really felt strange but good. Good because he was the reason that made me smile.

“I am. I just needed to hide myself for a while.”

Hide? I pulled back and stared at his face, at his eyes which were filled with sorry and hurt. Oh, he didn't want to do that and put me into that situation. Making me believe that he was dead. Gently I touched his cheek, rand my finger over his forehead, his eyebrow, nose and lips and understood it. He lived, he was alive and this was no dream.

“What happened? I saw the blood, I saw how... how it hit you.”

He took my hand, smiling and we sat down on his bed, holding hands, being close while he spoke and I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. God, I almost didn't care what happened because he was alive. But I needed to know.

“After you told Roxanne who you were I went to her and told her about Henry and what he did when she wasn't here. She warned me that he was insane and probably would kill you. Of course I couldn't let that happen and Julia created a vest for me that would safe me from a shoot.”

“What?” I jerked my head and stared into his eyes: “But... how did you know this...”

“I didn't. We had no idea if it would happen or when. I just... had it with me and the day when we were about leave I just knew it...”

“But... the blood?”

Kurt smiled, still showing me how sorry he was: “It was just some red liquid I had with me to make it look more... real. We had... luck that it worked. But that Roxanne would get killed wasn't planned.”

I stared down at his chest, moving my hand to the buttons of his shirt and opened it carefully to check it. And yes, as I saw his bare skin there was no scar, no wound, nothing.

“We only wanted to act like he killed me so the police would take him away and arrest him. After that we would have left anyway and no one would scream that I was alive and Henry would get out of jail, you know? You did so much for us, Blaine, I wanted to do something too. I know it was crazy but-”

“This plan was insane, Kurt.”

He wanted to fake his own death just so they could arrest Henry and then sentence him to death penalty? Because we didn't want to kill him? This was crazy, so crazy.

“I'm sorry. Really... well it didn't work out the way we planned it. He killed Roxanne and we had the real case. But I needed to hide myself. Henry thought I was dead and we needed to wait until the police told us what would happen to him. Now he gets what he deserves and I don't have to hide myself anymore.”

I shook my head because this was just crazy, insane and crazy and I was unsure if I should call him out for this and not telling me about it or if I should ignore it and just be happy that he was here and not somewhere burned or buried. Those past days were the living hell for me. All this pain, all the tears, how my heart and my soul broke. I never wanted to go through something like this again.

“She came to safe you, you know,” Kurt whispered and kissed my temple.

“I know. But... I'm sorry I just... I don't care, Kurt. I care about you, about us and those past days were...”  
“I know, honey. I know. I heard you and the others told me about it. I'm sorry, Blaine, I'm so sorry that I let you think I was dead,” whispered Kurt, kissing my lips, my cheek and pulling me close to his body. Slowly I stood up and shoved him on the bed, pressed him down and covered his body with mine, needing to feel him, to hold him and breath him in. Sleep, I needed to sleep and hold him while I slept.

“You are here, that's all what matters,” I mumbled against his neck.

“I won't leave. I'll never leave you.”

He kissed my hair, held me safe and close and I fell into a peaceful sleep for the first time in days.

 

* * *

 

Two months later.

 

“Blaine, stop it,” Kurt giggled when I dragged him back behind the curtains and kissed him hungrily. Well, of course he couldn't resist and kissed me back. They could wait, the crowd could wait because we still had ten minutes of our break before Kurt would go out again and present them all his talent.

“Blaine, your are ruining my costume,” I heard him sighing as I pressed my palm against his crotch and sighed heavily when he gave me his bossy look.

“You know you aren't ruling this theater alone. I'm the boss here too.”

“Actually you are responsible for the musicians and I'm for the actors and costumes. Any other responsibilities we share or am I wrong?”

I pouted at him because yes, he was right but I still wanted some fun time when we had our break between each act of our plays. Especially today I was super horny and couldn't get enough of him to Julia's and Claire's displeasure.

“Fine. Let's finish this play and then I have you all for myself, okay?” I groaned and took my hands away from him and he kissed my cheek before he went back to the other actors and talking about something while I walked back to the musicians.

A months had passed and our life was finally good. We were free, we could be together whenever we wanted to and we owned the nightclub. I showed Kurt the letter my mother left me and the one she left for him and we both got a contract so that the nightclub would be ours. First I was against it because I really didn't want to stay here and face the same memories day by day. My mother left something for me and I wasn't sure if this was a present to say how sorry she was, or if she really wanted that someone owned this nightclub and would know what was the best for it. Eventually Kurt convinced me to stay here and turn this club into a full time theater. He said we could paint the walls, change the floor and create our own place and he got me when he said 'our place'. The first weeks we were busy with renovating the club and change it into a real theater. Then we began to look for new actors and musicians because many of us left the nightclub when we got our ticket to our freedom. After almost two months we had our theater, actors and musicians and four shows each week. Life was good, it was wonderful and the best part was that each evening I would go to sleep with Kurt, in the same bed, the same room and no one could do something against it. If I only could marry him I would have done that but sadly it was impossible for us but we didn't complain. Not for one second.

After the last play of the week was done and we ate dinner together with everyone I helped Maurice to clean up the dishes and then walked quickly back to our room, where Kurt was already waiting for me, naked and still having his bossy look which became like the biggest turn on for me. I quickly undressed myself jumped into the bed and covered his body with mine, kissing him deeply and then humming happily when he ran his hand through my curls.

“For one second I thought you would play a melody for me and present me the jumping skills of your dick.”

“Maybe, when I have a good day I'll give you the pleasure.”

“Oh god, no,” he laughed, kissing me sweetly and we both calmed down, looking at each other.

“You are happy, right? That we stayed here?” he asked after a while, still running his fingers through my hair.

“I'm always happy with you by my side and that I don't have to share you anymore.” No more men who wanted Kurt, no more money making by selling his body. Nothing like that. He was what he always wanted to be, an actor with his own successful theater.

“I don't even have the strength to satisfy anyone but you. You are just insatiable.”

“You make it sound like it's a bad thing. Because judging by the sounds you make you are just as insatiable as I am.”

We breathed a laugh and I moved further up his body so I could place a proper kiss on his mouth.

“That's because I love you so much,” he whispered against my lips and closed his eyes.

“Good,” another kiss and then I was sliding my arms around him, holding him and answering in a whisper: “I love you too.”


End file.
